"she just cares about details because she’s a details person"

It's only been in the last year or so of actually working that I've come to identify as a detail-oriented person. When it comes up at work there are usually some laughs that's half 'wow is that ever true' and half 'do you know how many times you've been on the verge of driving me insane with your attention to detail.'

The funny thing is that growing up, my mom actually always characterized me as not being a particularly careful person (the word in Chinese is 粗, I think), not thinking things through enough, etc. but now when I tell people that one of my extracurriculars in college was copyediting for a research journal, the response is always 'I'm not surprised.'

The way this is specifically relevant to planning this wedding is that the bulk of the research and decision-making falls to me sort of by default as a result. Dan can't see/doesn't care about the difference between the various aesthetic options, he'd be fine with holding a catered reception in an undecorated community hall kind of room, but I'm not (if you and your partner both are, more power to you, and I envy your being in sync!). I want things to be pretty, and I do notice certain kinds of visual details.

Dan is more focused on making sure all the logistics are detailed out though, to make things smoother on the day of. Sometimes a little bit too much so, in my opinion, in that he'll throw things out just because it seems like it'll require too much planning or can't think of alternatives to make something easier. On these occasions when I'm frustrated that he's not trying a bit harder, I try to focus on how it is in general a good balance to my more impractical aspirations, and when that doesn't work, which is most of the time, I just remind myself that he just hates fun and people (we say this partially jokingly, but it's true that 'it'll be fun!' on its own is insufficient reason to convince him of something).

From Meg at APW, 'The Details That Mattered'
But I still rail against wedding details, or really Wedding Details. When you are getting married you end up hearing over and over and over again from the WIC (or the BIC) that, “It’s all about the details.” Or “details are what make your wedding memorable and special.” And not only is that patently untrue (what will make your wedding special is that you got MARRIED, and what will make your wedding memorable is all that shared love), but the details the wedding industry sells you are b*llshit. Piles of perfectly matching plastic flip flops for your guests, crazy expensive calligraphy for escort cards, just-so bridesmaid dresses? I mean, did you care about calligraphy before you got married? If yes, then go for it. If no, then stop STRESSING about it already.

So here is my very best wedding graduate advice:

Focus on making your wedding feel aesthetically honest (because there is a lot of aesthetic bullshit out there, and a lot of people trying to tell you that Classic Wedding Aesthetic is the only way it can be done). Focus on making in *feel* like you and your partner. And once you get to that place, realize that everything else is extra.

Because on your wedding day, you are emotionally in another place. Did it matter to me that the huppah I walked up to was beautiful? Hell yes. We were, as the Jewish teaching goes, beautifying the commandment. But did it matter to me that my bouquet didn’t turn out perfectly? No. Did I even notice the mimosa bar that we so carefully planned? No. I didn’t know it existed until I saw one half developed polaroid of it. Did my guests notice the mimosa bar or the imperfect bouquets? I seriously doubt it (and we know a lot of artists). They, and we, noticed how the day felt, and the aesthetics were only important in the way they played into that whole.

So remember the big picture. And focus on the small things with love.


Angie said...

That post by Meg is always helpful! I hope this post means you're in a good planning place. It sure sounds like it!

It's a struggle sometimes- choosing what we want to pay attention to and trying to decipher what details matter and what don't.

When I worked at a college my staff had to make tough choices, we were always allowed one "Over My Dead Body" and one "I would lay myself on the train tracks for this." The OMDB was something we were completely against and the train track idea was to describe something we'd pretty much do anything for. So I ask myself those things a lot when it comes to planning. Haha... kinda weird, but hopefully that helps!

KWu said...

I really like that! We've had a few instances of OMDBs already so it'll be good to think of balancing them out with train track ones.

Post a Comment