Merging finances

When Dan and I moved in together, we decided on a system where we would have one joint account which we each contributed the same amount to every month, even though we don't have the same salaries, out of which we would pay for rent, utilities, groceries, and gas, pretty much. Fairly minimal spending on "extras" in common and separate savings and retirement/investment accounts.

We talked over what we wanted to do after getting married and decided that we would give merging our finances some more a go but if it didn't work and caused conflict, we could just go back to the way we had it before. I had some concerns around maintaining financial independence since I like to spend more money than Dan does but I do also make a bit more. I just didn't want to feel any additional burdens of guilt or pressure on top of what I already have for internal gauges of frugality.

Post-wedding, it turns out I don't really care as much as I thought I would about keeping things separate, plus Dan followed through on his promise to worry less about money without having the wedding to pay for. We set it up so that we each kept our own emergency funds, pooled together the cash gifts from the wedding into joint savings, and re-arranged our direct deposits to put the bulk of our paychecks in the joint accounts. Dan also paid off his car loan with the additional liquidity now available to him.

I get a small allowance into my own account still, basically so I can buy clothes and shoes without feeling like I have to consult with Dan (fall boots yay!). Everything else comes out of the joint account, including Dan's student loan payments, and we decided to just set a rule of needing to check with the other before making purchases that are over $50. That was implemented after a month or two of feeling confused about what would be ok to go on the joint (individual nights out with friends?) to make it all simpler.

We're tracking everything on Mint. I tried it once before but preferred the greater control I had over splitting up and categorizing purchases with the spreadsheet that I made for myself in college. Mint has improved since then and the convenience of being able to log a transaction online mostly outweighs my annoyance with its occasional miscategorizations and its limitations around keeping track of how much petty cash you should have around.

Some other perspectives on merging finances after marriage:

• Megan McArdle thinks joint accounts make a lot more sense in most cases: "Money Talks: Yours, Mine, and Ours"
• Get Rich Slowly interview on keeping separate finances

I also did a little bit of research on what's the deal with filing taxes now that we're married:

• Filing your first tax return as newlyweds
• When sharing taxes might not be a good idea
• Marriage's financial pros and cons
• About.com's articles on filing jointly versus filing separately

In summary, if you were married on December 31st, 2011, you would be considered married for all of 2011 from a tax perspective, which seems a bit weird but I guess makes things simpler. Filing jointly is generally better for couples where one partner makes a lot more than the other, but if you both work and make about the same (our situation), you should at least consider filing separately. Most people seem to advise preparing tax returns in both ways and see whether you are in fact affected by the "marriage penalty."

The other consideration is contributions to a Roth IRA. I've had a Roth IRA account for awhile, contributing the max to it when I have enough extra from the year. I already put in the max for me for 2011, so I was thinking that we should open one up for Dan and put some bonus money I've gotten into that account. Unless one of us goes back to school full-time or we have kids and one of us stays home full-time (both unlikely at this point), our incomes should increase over time, potentially to the point of not being eligible for contributing to a Roth IRA anymore, so I figure we should get more in there while we still can.

Dan thinks we should consider larger joint investment/savings account and such, like for buying a house or something, but we don't have any plans to buy property in the next few years since I'd like to live on the west coast for a few years still but we'd most likely settle back on the east coast afterwards. You can withdraw contributions (though not earnings) to a Roth IRA at any point so we could tap into it for a down payment without incurring penalties. However, you can't contribute the full amount to a Roth IRA if you're married filing separately, so we'll wait until we get our W2s for 2011 and do some calculations then since I think we'd still be able to put in Roth IRA money for 2011 until April 2012.

A couple articles on Roth IRAs:

• Wikipedia's article on the Roth IRA
• Get Rich Slowly article: "Eight little-known facts about the Roth IRA"

If you're new to personal finance, the Get Rich Slowly blog is not bad. For books, I'd recommend On My Own Two Feet: A Modern Girl's Guide to Personal Finance to start with and then The Bogleheads' Guide to Investing once you want to get more in-depth into investing.

Apparently, yes!

Today's XKCD comic:

alt text: "I'm as surprised as you!"

Also, I went to the Yay New York party last night by myself, and even got interviewed for a documentary being made about the event, which was a bit scary and awkward. However as always the APW community comes through and I got adopted by a group of three couples (one of which lives in Hoboken too!), all really cool and nice people that were easy to talk to and find things in common with, so that worked out pretty well. We even exchanged contact info on our various smartphones and I hope we hang out more, perhaps at the next APW book club.

I met Mark of Leah and Mark, who was really warm and fun and actually remembered me and was so gracious about how we didn't end up booking them. The photobooth he ran included a prop from the photobooth at our own wedding, this yellow picture frame that I'd given to Kari of The Handmade Event, which thrilled me quite a bit inside.

I am so close to getting all the thank you cards done, so with Hurricane Irena urging everyone to evacuate Hoboken this weekend, I think I'm going to go to my parents' and hopefully just finish them once and for all so that I can then also write up the reviews I owe to my awesome vendors and then for real resume wedding blogging so I can finish it off and start another blog on style & crafts. Oh and figure out a wedding album to order from Kelly, along with framing the wedding tree poster and deciding what prints we might want to hang up, and then finishing off the guestbook/scrapbook with more photos from wedding guests and honeymoon photos. Whew.

I am now no longer planning a wedding.

DONE and DONE.

It went by so quickly.

There were so many people there.

So many things went so well and so many people really stepped up to help such that overall, really, I didn't have to stress or worry about anything. Thank you, family, friends, vendors, world.

We're having brunch today with the people who are still around and then going over to my parents' to try to start carting back all the Stuff before going home to pack (and do some research...one of the tasks that got shafted last week) for our honeymoon. I have a huge backlog of blog posts to put together before I retire this here wedding blog, so it should be live for a good while through the summer, but for now, I'll just close with this tweet from @jphiii (high school friend) during the reception:

@kwugirl i can't tweet a wedding photo because you picked a venue with terrible 3G reception!

Weather Forecast: 1 Day Out

So this is the last of these posts, and the end of my foray into meteorology. Weather.com's forecast really was pretty stable after the tease of June 9. It looks like we'll get a pretty standard early summer day.

Date of Forecast	High	Low	Chance of Rain	Wind Speed	Description
9-Jun	79	63	0%	7 mph	"Abundant sunshine."
10-Jun	83	66	30%	6 mph	"Scattered thunderstorms possible."
11-Jun	84	67	30%	6 mph	"A few thunderstorms possible."
12-Jun	83	64	30%	8 mph	"Isolated thunderstorms."
13-Jun	78	63	20%	6 mph	"Mix of sun and clouds."
14-Jun	83	63	20%	8 mph	"More sun than clouds."
15-Jun	85	63	20%	6 mph	"Partly cloudy."
16-Jun	86	67	20%	8 mph	"Generally sunny despite a few afternoon clouds."
17-Jun	86	66	20%	9 mph	"Generally sunny despite a few afternoon clouds."

Here's Weather Underground's:

Date of Forecast	High	Low	Chance of Rain	Wind Speed	Description
12-Jun	81	61	20%	5 mph	"Partly sunny. Chance of thunderstorms."
13-Jun	81	61	20%	3 mph	"Partly sunny. A chance of showers and thunderstorms in the morning."
14-Jun	83	61	10%	4 mph	"Partly sunny. A chance of showers in the morning."
15-Jun	85	63	20%	6 mph	"Partly sunny."
16-Jun	85	68	10%	5 mph	"Mostly sunny."
17-Jun	85	65	20%	5 mph	"Partly sunny. A slight chance of showers and thunderstorms in the afternoon."

Finally, our hour-by-hour for tomorrow, courtesy of Weather.com:

11 AM - 79 degrees, 0% chance of rain
12 PM - 81 degrees, 0% chance of rain
1 PM - 82 degrees, 20% chance of rain
2 PM - 83 degrees, 20% chance of rain
3 PM - 84 degrees, 20% chance of rain
4 PM - 84 degrees, 20% chance of rain
5 PM - 84 degrees, 20% chance of rain
6 PM - 83 degrees, 20% chance of rain
7 PM - 81 degrees, 20% chance of rain

Weather Forecast: 2 Days Out

Weather.com's map shows rain all over the Eastern half of the US, but New Jersey is safe and secure. We are clearly God's chosen state.

Otherwise, forecast remains pretty stable.

Date of Forecast	High	Low	Chance of Rain	Wind Speed	Description
9-Jun	79	63	0%	7 mph	"Abundant sunshine."
10-Jun	83	66	30%	6 mph	"Scattered thunderstorms possible."
11-Jun	84	67	30%	6 mph	"A few thunderstorms possible."
12-Jun	83	64	30%	8 mph	"Isolated thunderstorms."
13-Jun	78	63	20%	6 mph	"Mix of sun and clouds."
14-Jun	83	63	20%	8 mph	"More sun than clouds."
15-Jun	85	63	20%	6 mph	"Partly cloudy."
16-Jun	86	67	20%	8 mph	"Generally sunny despite a few afternoon clouds."
17-Jun

The hourly forecast says that there is a 0% chance of rain at 2 PM at 83 degrees. That's a little hot for my tastes, but it's hard to complain; we did, after all, pick a late summer date.

Here's Weather Underground:

Date of Forecast	High	Low	Chance of Rain	Wind Speed	Description
12-Jun	81	61	20%	5 mph	"Partly sunny. Chance of thunderstorms."
13-Jun	81	61	20%	3 mph	"Partly sunny. A chance of showers and thunderstorms in the morning."
14-Jun	83	61	10%	4 mph	"Partly sunny. A chance of showers in the morning."
15-Jun	85	63	20%	6 mph	"Partly sunny."
16-Jun	85	68	10%	5 mph	"Mostly sunny."
17-Jun

We've been extremely lucky with the weather, so far. Here's hoping it stays put.

Weather Forecast: 3 Days Out

We're now firmly ensconced in the mid-80s as the Weather.com forecast temperature ticks up a couple in today's forecast. Just about everything else remains stable.

Date of Forecast	High	Low	Chance of Rain	Wind Speed	Description
9-Jun	79	63	0%	7 mph	"Abundant sunshine."
10-Jun	83	66	30%	6 mph	"Scattered thunderstorms possible."
11-Jun	84	67	30%	6 mph	"A few thunderstorms possible."
12-Jun	83	64	30%	8 mph	"Isolated thunderstorms."
13-Jun	78	63	20%	6 mph	"Mix of sun and clouds."
14-Jun	83	63	20%	8 mph	"More sun than clouds."
15-Jun	85	63	20%	6 mph	"Partly cloudy."
16-Jun
17-Jun

Weather Underground's forecast essentially duplicates Weather.com's for now, except that Weather Underground offers the optimistic "partly sunny" and Weather.com offers the pessimistic "partly cloudy." Strange. Is there a difference?

Date of Forecast	High	Low	Chance of Rain	Wind Speed	Description
12-Jun	81	61	20%	5 mph	"Partly sunny. Chance of thunderstorms."
13-Jun	81	61	20%	3 mph	"Partly sunny. A chance of showers and thunderstorms in the morning."
14-Jun	83	61	10%	4 mph	"Partly sunny. A chance of showers in the morning."
15-Jun	85	63	20%	6 mph	"Partly sunny."
16-Jun
17-Jun

Weather Forecast: 4 Days Out

The forecast did quite a bit of fluctuating today. When I first checked, it said 86 degrees as the high, which constituted a pretty significant change. I view that as going from "Pleasant, if a little too warm for my tastes" to "The best part of the day will be the part where I take off my suit jacket." The evening forecast looks more in line with what we've been seeing all week.

Date of Forecast	High	Low	Chance of Rain	Wind Speed	Description
9-Jun	79	63	0%	7 mph	"Abundant sunshine."
10-Jun	83	66	30%	6 mph	"Scattered thunderstorms possible."
11-Jun	84	67	30%	6 mph	"A few thunderstorms possible."
12-Jun	83	64	30%	8 mph	"Isolated thunderstorms."
13-Jun	78	63	20%	6 mph	"Mix of sun and clouds."
14-Jun	83	63	20%	8 mph	"More sun than clouds."
15-Jun
16-Jun
17-Jun

Weather Underground's computer had been stubborn, with the day's high and low holding steady all week, but we finally have some change there.

Date of Forecast	High	Low	Chance of Rain	Wind Speed	Description
12-Jun	81	61	20%	5 mph	"Partly sunny. Chance of thunderstorms."
13-Jun	81	61	20%	3 mph	"Partly sunny. A chance of showers and thunderstorms in the morning."
14-Jun	83	61	10%	4 mph	"Partly sunny. A chance of showers in the morning."
15-Jun
16-Jun
17-Jun

Also worth looking forward to: Weather.com's hourly forecast goes out as far as 40 hours. Thursday's post (2 Days Out) will go up at night, and it will include the hourly forecast for the wedding times.

Weather Forecast: 5 Days Out

We see some significant improvement in the forecast here at 5 days out: temperature dropped a tad, chance of rain dropped a bit. Weather.com has become frighteningly optimistic:

Date of Forecast	High	Low	Chance of Rain	Wind Speed	Description
9-Jun	79	63	0%	7 mph	"Abundant sunshine."
10-Jun	83	66	30%	6 mph	"Scattered thunderstorms possible."
11-Jun	84	67	30%	6 mph	"A few thunderstorms possible."
12-Jun	83	64	30%	8 mph	"Isolated thunderstorms."
13-Jun	78	63	20%	6 mph	"Mix of sun and clouds."
14-Jun
15-Jun
16-Jun
17-Jun

Weather Underground, not so much, particularly in the text forecast. Their model holds steady with the temperature predictions.

Date of Forecast	High	Low	Chance of Rain	Wind Speed	Description
12-Jun	81	61	20%	5 mph	"Partly sunny. Chance of thunderstorms."
13-Jun	81	61	20%	3 mph	"Partly sunny. A chance of showers and thunderstorms in the morning."
14-Jun
15-Jun
16-Jun
17-Jun

Weather Forecast: 6 Days Out

W-Day is fast approaching--we're now 6 days out. First off, weather.com:

Date of Forecast	High	Low	Chance of Rain	Wind Speed	Description
9-Jun	79	63	0%	7 mph	"Abundant sunshine."
10-Jun	83	66	30%	6 mph	"Scattered thunderstorms possible."
11-Jun	84	67	30%	6 mph	"A few thunderstorms possible."
12-Jun	83	64	30%	8 mph	"Isolated thunderstorms."
13-Jun
14-Jun
15-Jun
16-Jun
17-Jun

We'll also add in another forecast. Here's the forecast from Weather Underground, which pulls its data from the National Weather Service:

Date of Forecast	High	Low	Chance of Rain	Wind Speed	Description
12-Jun	81	61	20%	5 mph	"Partly sunny. Chance of thunderstorms."
13-Jun
14-Jun
15-Jun
16-Jun
17-Jun

We'll start using AccuWeather.com as our third and final forecast once we get close enough to the date that the chance of precipitation isn't considered "premium content."

Weather Forecast: 7 Days Out

So last night I had a dream that I was checking weather.com and the forecast had increased to a 90% chance of rain. Needless to say, somnolent Dan was pissed off.

Anyway, we're in something of a holding pattern on the weather, according to weather.com. The language has changed a bit, but the percentages remain steady.

Date of Forecast	High	Low	Chance of Rain	Wind Speed	Description
9-Jun	79	63	0%	7 mph	"Abundant sunshine."
10-Jun	83	66	30%	6 mph	"Scattered thunderstorms possible."
11-Jun	84	67	30%	6 mph	"A few thunderstorms possible."
12-Jun
13-Jun
14-Jun
15-Jun
16-Jun
17-Jun

Weather Forecast: 8 Days Out

I'm going to put the forecasts going forward in a table, so we can track the fluctuations of the various forecasters. (For now, we're still flying solo with weather.com.) As could have been expected, the beautiful forecast that came in yesterday did not hold up.

Date of Forecast	High	Low	Chance of Rain	Wind Speed	Description
9-Jun	79	63	0%	7 mph	"Abundant sunshine."
10-Jun	83	66	30%	6 mph	"Scattered thunderstorms possible."
11-Jun
12-Jun
13-Jun
14-Jun
15-Jun
16-Jun
17-Jun

A note to forecasters: if you say there is a 0% chance of something happening, be damn sure. Putting 0% yesterday was a forecasting nightmare; there was no way you could give a number like that with any sort of confidence at all. And if your computer model spits that out, something is wrong with your formulas or underlying assumptions.

Weather Forecast: 9 Days Out

Today was the first day that any weather forecasting sites had a forecast for our wedding day. I figured it would be a fun exercise to track the forecast day-by-day, half to see how much it changes, and half just because I am going to be checking it every day to begin with. As we get closer I'll start adding in additional forecasts, but for now, only weather.com is looking that far out. As of now, the forecast is about as pleasant as could be imagined. I can only hope it holds...

Via Weather.com, as of June 9, 2011 at 9:30 PM:

High - 79 degrees
Low - 62 degrees
Chance of rain - 0%
Humidity - 65%
Wind - W 7 mph

"Abundant sunshine. Highs in the upper 70s and lows in the low 60s."

Cake vs. Pie: a hyperbolic approach

Link sent by my friend Maggie, in support of our wedding pie:

I love cake. Cake is wonderful. But it is too easy to get caught up in the idea of cake. When you compare the data, it is clear that pie is a better choice.




1. Ability of enjoyment to be sustained over time



The first few mouthfuls of cake are almost magical, but as eating continues, enjoyment drops off precipitously. The enjoyment curve for pie appears to be much more stable over time.

lol.

More from Hyperbole and a Half.

Modern marriage culture in China

This NY Times article "For Many Chinese Men, No Deed Means No Dates" was published a few weeks ago and I found it to be a pretty interesting read.

Han Han, one of China’s most widely read bloggers, frequently assails the government policies that he and many economists say have contributed to rapidly rising prices.

In an interview, he said one consequence of the single-minded focus on real estate, or on earning the money to make mortgage payments and repay family loans, is that young people have little time for anything else. “We’ve created a generation of young people whose sole ambition is to have a piece of property under their name,” he said.

I disagree with the people that intimate this is some new trend that has the culture turning against love-based marriages. I think the Chinese are above all a practical people, and this is just an extension of that. Yes, there is plenty of art and literature in Chinese culture about true love, but they engaged in arranged marriages just as much as anyone else, back in the day.

Also, quotes like "'A lot of girls, encouraged by their parents, see marriage as a way of instantly changing their status without the hard work,' he said bitterly." Um, can anyone say, every rags-to-riches fairy tale princess story ever, pretty much? Where girls move up in life and have princes fall in love with them just by being beautiful and kind and forgiving and meek and all that?

So basically, yes, it's sad for the men who do actually feel stuck with no dating prospects because they either can't or don't want to buy property, and it is a bit weirdly single-minded of women who use this as a barrier to dating someone, but honestly, I just can't get too worked up about given the history of patriarchal culture. Even if it's not entirely right, I do sort of rejoice in women getting some more power here.

Decision-making

I've been keeping track of the various wedding/marriage related books I've read in the right sidebar, but I wanted to recommend a not specifically related to weddings book that I think would be helpful in the wedding planning process: How We Decide by Jonah Lehrer. Here's what I wrote in my Goodreads review:

This was an excellent, accessible popular science book where the author actually knows what he's talking about (Tara Parker-Pope's For Better, I'm looking at you). The progression of the book made sense, examining the strengths and weaknesses of emotional and rational decision-making each in turn. The different points were illustrated with several real-world examples and tied to research studies, and the conclusions at the end were presented in a useful manner.

It's basically this kind of stuff that made me interested in psychology and neuroscience in the first place in school, in terms of trying to figure out why other people do what they do, since that often mystifies me from the outside. Of course, I eventually realized that I was utterly bored by actually having do the research that is summarized in a sentence or two here, and instead, I just liked learning about the conclusions and trying to apply them to real life.

If you enjoy thinking about thinking, you should read this book.

This is related to wedding planning in that I'm discovering lately that wedding planning could be characterized as a seemingly endless list of decisions to be made. I've gotten to the point where sometimes I'll just say, "eh, I don't have an opinion on this currently."

Anyway, what the book says about how you weigh different pieces of information to come to a logical conclusion, versus sleeping on something for a few days and letting it work itself out in the back of your mind, I think that thinking about those different ways of making decisions could help people planning big life events like weddings.

Also, somewhat related is this post from the world's tallest female econo-blogger, Megan McArdle, on the phenomenon of cold feet:

People's memories change--as Lori Gottlieb points out in Marry Him, scientists who interviewed couples in their first year of marriage, and then again seven years later, found that the happy couples had retroactively rewritten their meeting story to be more positive (love at first sight!) while the people who were having trouble, or divorced, now spoke about their meeting in much less positive terms.  This isn't necessarily fabrication; it's just that we pick and choose what we recall, and those who are happy will selectively recall the best parts, while those who are unhappy will accentuate the negative.

I've been at various weddings where bride or groom freaked out beforehand, and the degree of the freak out was not necessarily related to the happiness of the relationship.  You should be thinking hard about the decision to love someone and care for them no matter what happens...But of course if things go wrong, you'll naturally look back and think, "I wish I'd taken counsel of my fears!"

Robin wrote a similar post about getting cold feet but not thinking that that really has all that strong a connection to wanting to get married. I agree with both these smart ladies and will add in that just even though cold feet is a common deus ex machina in romantic comedies, that doesn't mean it's actually true in real life.

Attendants' accessories

Dan's in the middle of trying to find a tie that he and I both like. I tried to talk him into a gold tie made out of matching gold fabric that I'm using as the waist ties on my dress, but he wasn't into the idea at all. He may end up wearing a gold pocket square...we'll see. He's also not much into the idea of boutonnieres, so we may just skip that entirely as well, unless his groomsmen decide they want something. Nevertheless, here are some ideas that I collected:

A Pomp & Plumage boutonniere, via Creature Comforts

Emersonmade boutonnieres, via Little Dwell, who put together a little tutorial for a boutenniere inspired by these

And not so much for the guys, but a fabric flower tutorial from Colette Patterns.

Photobooth info & chalkboards

Amy has come to my rescue and will be taking over the whole photobooth project, hurrah! It's going to be placed in a corner of the middle terrace outside, where people will see it pretty easily, there's natural light, but it isn't really in the way. There's a door in that corner too that we could try to open up and hang some fabric over if the photobooth backdrop thing doesn't work out.

Overall advice

• APW Photobooth How-to, which used a digital SLR, a sturdy rented tripod, a remote shutter device ($15), and saved the photos to the flash card in the camera
• Lyn of Another Damn Wedding's post on her photo guestbook: I think this is basically I want! Getting physical photos is more fun than saving files to a card, plus I'm rubbish at getting around to making scrapbooks. Key lessons: she used the Fujifilm INSTAX 210 Instant Photo Camera ($65 on Amazon), with film being ~$2/exposure, and pens for people to write messages on the photos themselves. She also had an instructions sheet, which I think is a really good idea.

Backdrop

• Merrilee did a photobooth at a Halloween party that mentioned using an actual photo backdrop stand from a photographer friend of hers, which she has a photo of. Not sure if this is something that can be rented?
• While searching on Etsy, I found this shop Fun on a Stick that has a whole section on photobooth setups that seems pretty neat, actually. $83.95 for a freestanding photobooth backdrop with fabric, plus $22 to ship in the U.S.

Hopefully this isn't too unethical, but I have recruited my handy friend Joe to build us one like this out of PVC pipes based on what we can see of the structure in the photos. He thinks it should be pretty easy and quick. I'll take care of sewing up the fabric backdrop, but I can't decide if it should be a solid color (and if so, what color), or a pattern, or...something that's a hodgepodge.

Our photographer Kelly posted this photo of a wedding at the Fuller Craft Museum. I think that background here might be part of the museum? But at first I thought it was some kind of patchwork quilt of fabrics and I kind of like the effect.

Equipment

• I have a friend at work who has a Polaroid camera he said I could borrow, but film is apparently pretty expensive? Not sure how that works out on a per exposure cost when compared to including the cost of the Fujifilm Instax camera, hopefully Amy will do the math on that one!
• Another option would be to use the point-and-shoot digital camera that we already own and then set up a printer like this Polaroid PoGo Instant Mobile Printer ($35). Amy says she thinks it's a pretty good price for pretty decent printed photos, not the best, but does the job. Also apparently sometimes there are streaks in the photos, but you can calibrate it to avoid those. This printer uses Polaroid ZINK Photo Paper which is pretty inexpensive, about $0.20 per sheet. Photo paper needs to be kept in a cool spot, as heat will damage it and affect how it prints. There's also an adhesive on the back of this paper that you can peel off to glue it to something.

Props

• I've posted some other potential props, but Amy also sent me the idea of creating a Polaroid frame out of white cardboard as a prop, kind of like how other people have used an empty picture frame. Set up your digital camera on a tripod and create fake polaroids. By that I mean, cut out a white cardboard frame for people to physically hold and frame themselves in. Like so: 

• Wedding for Two posted about a really simple DIY chalkboard sign that she made for $7. 

While I'm on the topic of chalkboards, I wanted to include this chalkboard program from that same Fuller Craft Museum wedding that Kelly shot:

Pros: a way to display program information without having to make programs, which could be helpful in giving guests a sense of what to expect in the ceremony since it's non-traditional/religious.

Cons: probably only the people sitting in the front would really see them, right? Or is it safe to assume that people would see them when they're milling around before the ceremony starts?

Another chalkboard item are the signs that Lyn also made:

I've been thinking of a way to make signs for things, especially the pies that people will bring, without needing to print things up beforehand. This could be an easy way to do that.

The Music: Closing the Book

We're reaching the point in the process where the wedding stuff starts to overwhelm real life, unfortunately, which is either exhilarating (we're getting closer to the day!) or frustrating (not another uncomfortable phone call/e-mail!). Katherine is pretty much in non-stop wedding mode when she's not at work, whether it's sewing, or various crafts, or prepping for the ceremony. Our tacit division of labor--which became more explicit about a week ago--is that I handle most of the home maintenance stuff (cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping), while Katherine handles most of the wedding stuff.

The music, however, remains my domain, and there appears to be a bright spot amid the lateness of the hour. A few months ago, I ran a handful of songs for use at the ceremony past Katherine, and she was noncommittal about all of them. Last night, I culled that list into the two I wanted most, and now, she was quite happy with the options. Perhaps being forced to make decisions, in some respects, is a good thing--there's less of a chance to hem and haw and temporize and waste time.

We got two requests for the ceremony itself. BD Lenz generously offered us ceremony music that consisted of himself on an acoustic guitar, along with his saxophonist on the sax. I had mulled over a few options for a while, but I'm pretty happy with the final choices for the ceremony. I went with a bit more of a Beatles' thing for that one:

- Processional: Till There Was You - I really like the Beatles' version of the song, but it has other slower, romantic versions out there as well. The song was originally from The Music Man, but it has also made its way into other contexts, including The Wedding Singer. It works quite well on an acoustic guitar.


- Recessional: When I'm 64 - I had this one in mind from the start, and I'm glad that Katherine acceded. I think it's a PERFECT wedding song, if the core idea of a wedding is that two people have decided to announce that they are guessing that they've found a person that they'll be able to grow old with. The fact that Sir Paul penned something so poignant at such a young age continues to astound me.


The only other song that was seriously considered was "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing," which was our prom song a hundred years ago. There's a great saxophone version of the song on YouTube:


My apologies for the home photos in that one; they're not mine. I listened to this a few times, but I decided that the background orchestration (with the subtle strings) is what gives that its texture. I think just having the solo sax blare out some late-90s Aerosmith would be uncomfortable. Plus, Ben Affleck.

So, why do I say the book is closed? I e-mailed BD Lenz our song choices, including our two requests for the reception from much earlier in this process, "Ever the Same" and "Give the Girl a Kiss." I started having terrible second thoughts on "Give the Girl a Kiss," mostly because "4th of July, Asbury Park (Sandy)" has become the Matilda Edwards to the Mary Todd that is "Give the Girl a Kiss." But, like Lincoln, I ultimately "kept my resolves" and decided to stick with the original choice. (For an excellent treatment of this issue, see Douglas Wilson's Honor's Voice: The Transformation of Abraham Lincoln, which is the best biography I have ever read. For the shorter version, go here.)

That's enough of that. The main reason why I didn't take "4th of July, Asbury Park," a truly great song that has become one of my favorite songs over the last few months, was because of the size of the necessary arrangement. It has a very prominent accordion part, and the piano really does keep the time. I can't imagine the song without those components, and we won't be having either instrument at the wedding. But because I brought it up, enjoy:

Ceremony ideas linkfest

One of my wedding tasks this weekend is to finally fill out the questionnaire for our officiant to be able to start putting together the first draft for our ceremony. I've gone through the archives on stuff related to the ceremony, but here are some more links that I've been saving up.

Logistics

• Getting there: Angie and Josh planned to walk in together, hand-in-hand, just following their celebrant to the designated open area near the pavilion where their reception was hosted. Originally they weren't going to have an aisle, either, but then they decided to have an aisle and have their parents walk them down it instead.
• Afterwards: 2000 Dollar Wedding had a post on post-ceremony transition instructions they had their officiants announce, to explain to people what would happen next. This makes so much sense to me, in order to set everyone's expectations, since I don't think we'll be having programs but I think people like to know what's next.

Guides to writing ceremonies

• Meg of A Practical Wedding's post on how she and David wrote their modern Jewish ceremony, with always helpful self-reflection. She says, "I think that the fundamental question to ask yourselves when you tackle your ceremony (and to continually ask yourself at various points during the process) is, 'what is the relationship we want to have with tradition?' What push/pull do we want to create with what is traditional for us and/or our families?"
• APW post on writing a secular ceremony
• More resources at APW on writing a secular ceremony: "First, figure out what you believe about marriage fundamentally. This has to be your foundation, and then when you wade through the insane amount of books/suggestions/google results, you will at least know what to use when/if you see it."
• I think I've seen recommendations for Judith Johnsons' The Wedding Ceremony Planner: The Essential Guide to the Most Important Part of Your Wedding Day in a few different places, but the first place was probably this wedding graduate post by Wendy and Darin

Rituals

I need to talk to Dan about this because I think he's probably pretty skeptical on the general idea of rituals that involve audience participation, like a ring warming or a group declaration of support (officiant asks the audience to respond with "we do!" in response to a question about having the community support the marriage), but I think I would really like to have some of that. We'd have to hammer out what wouldn't feel too New Age-y or intrusive to him, but still give me the sense of community involvement that I'd like.

• Wedding for Two posted about a friend of hers that had a moment in the ceremony where people were encouraged to introduce themselves to people around them. I've only been to a few church services, so I can't remember if this happens at every one, but I remember some where you shake hands with people around you that you don't know, which I always thought was a really nice thing to have especially for an introvert like me that doesn't generally go around introducing myself to people I don't know. However, she mentions it made the attendants feel awkward and they just did group hugs all around instead. Also, with ~100 at our wedding, with most people attending as part of a larger group of friends or family, people probably will mostly be sitting with people that they know and this would only happen at the fringes where different groups are touching.
• I feel pretty strongly that I want to have an acknowledgement of our gratitude and respect for our parents in the ceremony itself, beyond the having them walk us down an aisle possibility. Sharon's inclusion of bowing to their parents in the ceremony feels to me like something we could do that wouldn't feel silly or too awkward like I think a flower ceremony might. Actually, just looking at the photos of this moment in their ceremonies makes me tear up a bit.
• An Ask Team Practical post on having bilingual weddings. I think the Chinese contingent will be fine without bilingual signs, but I feel like it might be nice to have a Chinese poem or something read by...someone? Maybe my dad? 

People have asked me about what Chinese traditions I'd like to incorporate, but actually, somewhat like Chinese swear words, this was not a part of my Chinese cultural education at all. My parents don't have much to offer here either, as they got married in the U.S. It's a bit strange, as with the long history of Chinese culture, you'd think they would have developed a tradition or two related to marriage, but I've only really seen "traditional" Chinese weddings as portrayed on TV dramas set in the days of the emperors. Probably not too authentic. I'll ask our officiant to do some research here, I suppose.

Readings

• Not having been to any weddings as an adult, I'm finding it helpful to read through other people's ceremony texts, like Lyn of Another Damn Wedding's beautiful ceremony.
• Posts on APW with suggestions for readings: "Olives, Leaves" and "Water, Wine"
• Jessie of Eclectic Unions' blog post on her wedding readings repository, my favorites of which I've grabbed and posted below.

From "Union" by Robert Fulghum, which is apparently out of his book, From Beginning to to End - The Rituals of Our Live. He's also the author of All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.

You have known each other from the first glance of acquaintance to this point of commitment. At some point, you decided to marry. From that moment of yes, to this moment of yes, indeed, you have been making commitments in an informal way. All of those conversations that were held in a car, or over a meal, or during long walks – all those conversations that began with, “When we’re married”, and continued with “I will” and “you will” and “we will” – all those late night talks that included “someday” and “somehow” and “maybe” – and all those promises that are unspoken matters of the heart. All these common things, and more, are the real process of a wedding. The symbolic vows that you are about to make are a way of saying to one another, “You know all those things that we’ve promised, and hoped, and dreamed – well, I meant it all, every word.”

Look at one another and remember this moment in time. Before this moment you have been many things to one another – acquaintance, friend, companion, lover, dancing partner, even teacher, for you have learned much from one another these past few years. Shortly you shall say a few words that will take you across a threshold of life, and things between you will never quite be the same.

For after today you shall say to the world –
This is my husband. This is my wife.

From The Irrational Season by Madeleine L’Engle [edit: I checked out a copy of this book from the library, as Dan wanted to learn the context, but then we found out that this isn't actually one straight passage in the book, so I'm correcting this to show the parts that were taken out. It's from pages 46-48]

But ultimately there comes a moment when a decision must be made. Ultimately two people who love each other must ask themselves how much they hope for as their love grows and deepens, and how much risk they are willing to take. . . . It is indeed a fearful gamble. . . . Because it is the nature of love to create, a marriage itself is something which has to be created, so that, together we become a new creature. . . . To marry is the biggest risk in human relations that a person can take. . . . If we commit ourselves to one person for life this is not, as many people think, a rejection of freedom; rather it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent; into that love which is not possession, but participation. . . . It takes a lifetime to learn another person. . . . When love is not possession, but participation, then it is part of that co-creation which is our human calling, and which implies such risk that it is often rejected.

A few paper goods projects

From Maia, I learned about this concept of a "wedding tree."

Basically it's a poster with an image of a tree on it that you set up at the reception with an ink pad, a test notepad of paper, and perhaps some wipes for people to clean their hands, and they put their thumbprint along the tree branches as the "leaves" and sign their names around it. Etsy has a good number of different printable designs. I think this is a pretty neat idea, because you then end up with basically a poster that you can hang in your home.

I will not be doing this as I don't think there will be that many kids at the reception, but if you were having many younger guests and wanted to set up activities for them, this DIY coloring book using photos project would be pretty fun, I think.

And also, we got our first wedding present the other day (thank you again to the Lius, many-generational family friends on my mom's side)! Which got me to thinking about getting some nice thank you cards. Dan doesn't really get why I want non-everyday thank you cards, but I'm pushing for them anyway. I came up with a photo-based idea to be printed at Overnight Prints that's waiting on the wedding bands arriving, but I also found these letterpressed thank you cards on Etsy with that double happiness character in the background:

$3.50 per individual card, plus shipping

It's quite an elegant design, I think. I contacted the seller about making up an order of 50 cards with design but the Chinese character for thanks in the background instead of the double happiness, and she was really open to the idea, offered to customize the border colors, and also threw in a bulk order discount.