Decision-making

I've been keeping track of the various wedding/marriage related books I've read in the right sidebar, but I wanted to recommend a not specifically related to weddings book that I think would be helpful in the wedding planning process: How We Decide by Jonah Lehrer. Here's what I wrote in my Goodreads review:

This was an excellent, accessible popular science book where the author actually knows what he's talking about (Tara Parker-Pope's For Better, I'm looking at you). The progression of the book made sense, examining the strengths and weaknesses of emotional and rational decision-making each in turn. The different points were illustrated with several real-world examples and tied to research studies, and the conclusions at the end were presented in a useful manner.

It's basically this kind of stuff that made me interested in psychology and neuroscience in the first place in school, in terms of trying to figure out why other people do what they do, since that often mystifies me from the outside. Of course, I eventually realized that I was utterly bored by actually having do the research that is summarized in a sentence or two here, and instead, I just liked learning about the conclusions and trying to apply them to real life.

If you enjoy thinking about thinking, you should read this book.

This is related to wedding planning in that I'm discovering lately that wedding planning could be characterized as a seemingly endless list of decisions to be made. I've gotten to the point where sometimes I'll just say, "eh, I don't have an opinion on this currently."

Anyway, what the book says about how you weigh different pieces of information to come to a logical conclusion, versus sleeping on something for a few days and letting it work itself out in the back of your mind, I think that thinking about those different ways of making decisions could help people planning big life events like weddings.

Also, somewhat related is this post from the world's tallest female econo-blogger, Megan McArdle, on the phenomenon of cold feet:

People's memories change--as Lori Gottlieb points out in Marry Him, scientists who interviewed couples in their first year of marriage, and then again seven years later, found that the happy couples had retroactively rewritten their meeting story to be more positive (love at first sight!) while the people who were having trouble, or divorced, now spoke about their meeting in much less positive terms.  This isn't necessarily fabrication; it's just that we pick and choose what we recall, and those who are happy will selectively recall the best parts, while those who are unhappy will accentuate the negative.

I've been at various weddings where bride or groom freaked out beforehand, and the degree of the freak out was not necessarily related to the happiness of the relationship.  You should be thinking hard about the decision to love someone and care for them no matter what happens...But of course if things go wrong, you'll naturally look back and think, "I wish I'd taken counsel of my fears!"

Robin wrote a similar post about getting cold feet but not thinking that that really has all that strong a connection to wanting to get married. I agree with both these smart ladies and will add in that just even though cold feet is a common deus ex machina in romantic comedies, that doesn't mean it's actually true in real life.

"she just cares about details because she’s a details person"

It's only been in the last year or so of actually working that I've come to identify as a detail-oriented person. When it comes up at work there are usually some laughs that's half 'wow is that ever true' and half 'do you know how many times you've been on the verge of driving me insane with your attention to detail.'

The funny thing is that growing up, my mom actually always characterized me as not being a particularly careful person (the word in Chinese is 粗, I think), not thinking things through enough, etc. but now when I tell people that one of my extracurriculars in college was copyediting for a research journal, the response is always 'I'm not surprised.'

The way this is specifically relevant to planning this wedding is that the bulk of the research and decision-making falls to me sort of by default as a result. Dan can't see/doesn't care about the difference between the various aesthetic options, he'd be fine with holding a catered reception in an undecorated community hall kind of room, but I'm not (if you and your partner both are, more power to you, and I envy your being in sync!). I want things to be pretty, and I do notice certain kinds of visual details.

Dan is more focused on making sure all the logistics are detailed out though, to make things smoother on the day of. Sometimes a little bit too much so, in my opinion, in that he'll throw things out just because it seems like it'll require too much planning or can't think of alternatives to make something easier. On these occasions when I'm frustrated that he's not trying a bit harder, I try to focus on how it is in general a good balance to my more impractical aspirations, and when that doesn't work, which is most of the time, I just remind myself that he just hates fun and people (we say this partially jokingly, but it's true that 'it'll be fun!' on its own is insufficient reason to convince him of something).

From Meg at APW, 'The Details That Mattered'

But I still rail against wedding details, or really Wedding Details. When you are getting married you end up hearing over and over and over again from the WIC (or the BIC) that, “It’s all about the details.” Or “details are what make your wedding memorable and special.” And not only is that patently untrue (what will make your wedding special is that you got MARRIED, and what will make your wedding memorable is all that shared love), but the details the wedding industry sells you are b*llshit. Piles of perfectly matching plastic flip flops for your guests, crazy expensive calligraphy for escort cards, just-so bridesmaid dresses? I mean, did you care about calligraphy before you got married? If yes, then go for it. If no, then stop STRESSING about it already.

So here is my very best wedding graduate advice:

Focus on making your wedding feel aesthetically honest (because there is a lot of aesthetic bullshit out there, and a lot of people trying to tell you that Classic Wedding Aesthetic is the only way it can be done). Focus on making in *feel* like you and your partner. And once you get to that place, realize that everything else is extra.

Because on your wedding day, you are emotionally in another place. Did it matter to me that the huppah I walked up to was beautiful? Hell yes. We were, as the Jewish teaching goes, beautifying the commandment. But did it matter to me that my bouquet didn’t turn out perfectly? No. Did I even notice the mimosa bar that we so carefully planned? No. I didn’t know it existed until I saw one half developed polaroid of it. Did my guests notice the mimosa bar or the imperfect bouquets? I seriously doubt it (and we know a lot of artists). They, and we, noticed how the day felt, and the aesthetics were only important in the way they played into that whole.

So remember the big picture. And focus on the small things with love.

Some recommended reading

[edited to clarify] Links from my friend Amy.

Holly of Nothing but Bonfires on 'Things I Remember About My Wedding':

The number one thing I heard in the weeks leading up to my wedding was how fast the day would fly by. Because I like to be prepared and know what I'm getting into, I made a mental note of this. The day will fly by, I told myself. And then I thought: but wait, how can I stop it from flying by? Which leads me to the number two thing I heard in the weeks leading up to my wedding, which was that I should try---should really, really try---to be present in the moment. Okay, I thought, got it. The day will fly by, but I should try to be present in the moment. I am prepared. I have done my homework. As god is my witness, I will stop this day from flying by!

Internet, you cannot stop your wedding day from flying by. You cannot even really be present in the moment, actually, because the moment just goes too damn fast. Honestly, it's like someone just presses fast forward on the day: the first half goes at a normal pace and then all of a sudden, it's one o'clock, and you're getting your hair done, and people are milling around you getting excited and then BOOM!, it's like someone slipped you a roofie and you wake up ten hours later and the wedding's over and you can hardly remember a thing.

On how it feels different after being married:

Before the wedding, I wondered if I would feel different after the wedding. I couldn't imagine feeling different. I mean, I could imagine feeling the SWEET SWEET RELIEF of not having a to-do list a mile long, don't get me wrong, but I couldn't imagine feeling.....well, married. How would that feel? Would it be weird? Would anything change?

I asked and you answered. I read through those answers the way you might read through an account of walking on the moon: fascinated but incapable of fully comprehending. The consensus was this: it just feels different. But different how, I wanted to know. Can't put my finger on it, you said. Cemented. Content. Calm. Permanent. Partnered.

Six months in, I want to tell you that it is different. How? Can't put my finger on it. I introduce Sean to someone as "my husband" and I think holy crap, I have a husband. It was a smooth transition---no new home, no new name, thirteen years of knowing each other behind us already---and yet somehow everything changed. Only in the faintest, most imperceptible way, though, like one of those tiny earthquakes that nobody ever feels, the ones that shift the landmass just everso slightly. On the surface everything looks the same. But somewhere, under layers and layers and layers of earth, the world has been altered.

And some more ceremony scripts to peruse, from 2000 Dollar Budget Wedding.