A Jersey Hootenanny Wedding

Merging finances

2011-10-09T16:33:00.000-04:00

When Dan and I moved in together, we decided on a system where we would have one joint account which we each contributed the same amount to every month, even though we don't have the same salaries, out of which we would pay for rent, utilities, groceries, and gas, pretty much. Fairly minimal spending on "extras" in common and separate savings and retirement/investment accounts.

We talked over what we wanted to do after getting married and decided that we would give merging our finances some more a go but if it didn't work and caused conflict, we could just go back to the way we had it before. I had some concerns around maintaining financial independence since I like to spend more money than Dan does but I do also make a bit more. I just didn't want to feel any additional burdens of guilt or pressure on top of what I already have for internal gauges of frugality.

Post-wedding, it turns out I don't really care as much as I thought I would about keeping things separate, plus Dan followed through on his promise to worry less about money without having the wedding to pay for. We set it up so that we each kept our own emergency funds, pooled together the cash gifts from the wedding into joint savings, and re-arranged our direct deposits to put the bulk of our paychecks in the joint accounts. Dan also paid off his car loan with the additional liquidity now available to him.

I get a small allowance into my own account still, basically so I can buy clothes and shoes without feeling like I have to consult with Dan (fall boots yay!). Everything else comes out of the joint account, including Dan's student loan payments, and we decided to just set a rule of needing to check with the other before making purchases that are over $50. That was implemented after a month or two of feeling confused about what would be ok to go on the joint (individual nights out with friends?) to make it all simpler.

We're tracking everything on Mint. I tried it once before but preferred the greater control I had over splitting up and categorizing purchases with the spreadsheet that I made for myself in college. Mint has improved since then and the convenience of being able to log a transaction online mostly outweighs my annoyance with its occasional miscategorizations and its limitations around keeping track of how much petty cash you should have around.

Some other perspectives on merging finances after marriage:

Megan McArdle thinks joint accounts make a lot more sense in most cases: "Money Talks: Yours, Mine, and Ours"
Get Rich Slowly interview on keeping separate finances

I also did a little bit of research on what's the deal with filing taxes now that we're married:

Filing your first tax return as newlyweds
When sharing taxes might not be a good idea
Marriage's financial pros and cons
About.com's articles on filing jointly versus filing separately

In summary, if you were married on December 31st, 2011, you would be considered married for all of 2011 from a tax perspective, which seems a bit weird but I guess makes things simpler. Filing jointly is generally better for couples where one partner makes a lot more than the other, but if you both work and make about the same (our situation), you should at least consider filing separately. Most people seem to advise preparing tax returns in both ways and see whether you are in fact affected by the "marriage penalty."

The other consideration is contributions to a Roth IRA. I've had a Roth IRA account for awhile, contributing the max to it when I have enough extra from the year. I already put in the max for me for 2011, so I was thinking that we should open one up for Dan and put some bonus money I've gotten into that account. Unless one of us goes back to school full-time or we have kids and one of us stays home full-time (both unlikely at this point), our incomes should increase over time, potentially to the point of not being eligible for contributing to a Roth IRA anymore, so I figure we should get more in there while we still can.

Dan thinks we should consider larger joint investment/savings account and such, like for buying a house or something, but we don't have any plans to buy property in the next few years since I'd like to live on the west coast for a few years still but we'd most likely settle back on the east coast afterwards. You can withdraw contributions (though not earnings) to a Roth IRA at any point so we could tap into it for a down payment without incurring penalties. However, you can't contribute the full amount to a Roth IRA if you're married filing separately, so we'll wait until we get our W2s for 2011 and do some calculations then since I think we'd still be able to put in Roth IRA money for 2011 until April 2012.

A couple articles on Roth IRAs:

Wikipedia's article on the Roth IRA
Get Rich Slowly article: "Eight little-known facts about the Roth IRA"

If you're new to personal finance, the Get Rich Slowly blog is not bad. For books, I'd recommend On My Own Two Feet: A Modern Girl's Guide to Personal Finance to start with and then The Bogleheads' Guide to Investing once you want to get more in-depth into investing.

Apparently, yes!

2011-08-26T11:45:00.001-04:00

Today's XKCD comic:

alt text: "I'm as surprised as you!"

Also, I went to the Yay New York party last night by myself, and even got interviewed for a documentary being made about the event, which was a bit scary and awkward. However as always the APW community comes through and I got adopted by a group of three couples (one of which lives in Hoboken too!), all really cool and nice people that were easy to talk to and find things in common with, so that worked out pretty well. We even exchanged contact info on our various smartphones and I hope we hang out more, perhaps at the next APW book club.

I met Mark of Leah and Mark, who was really warm and fun and actually remembered me and was so gracious about how we didn't end up booking them. The photobooth he ran included a prop from the photobooth at our own wedding, this yellow picture frame that I'd given to Kari of The Handmade Event, which thrilled me quite a bit inside.

I am so close to getting all the thank you cards done, so with Hurricane Irena urging everyone to evacuate Hoboken this weekend, I think I'm going to go to my parents' and hopefully just finish them once and for all so that I can then also write up the reviews I owe to my awesome vendors and then for real resume wedding blogging so I can finish it off and start another blog on style & crafts. Oh and figure out a wedding album to order from Kelly, along with framing the wedding tree poster and deciding what prints we might want to hang up, and then finishing off the guestbook/scrapbook with more photos from wedding guests and honeymoon photos. Whew.

I am now no longer planning a wedding.

2011-06-19T08:37:00.000-04:00

DONE and DONE.

It went by so quickly.

There were so many people there.

So many things went so well and so many people really stepped up to help such that overall, really, I didn't have to stress or worry about anything. Thank you, family, friends, vendors, world.

We're having brunch today with the people who are still around and then going over to my parents' to try to start carting back all the Stuff before going home to pack (and do some research...one of the tasks that got shafted last week) for our honeymoon. I have a huge backlog of blog posts to put together before I retire this here wedding blog, so it should be live for a good while through the summer, but for now, I'll just close with this tweet from @jphiii (high school friend) during the reception:

@kwugirl i can't tweet a wedding photo because you picked a venue with terrible 3G reception!

Weather Forecast: 1 Day Out

2011-06-17T21:59:00.004-04:00

So this is the last of these posts, and the end of my foray into meteorology. Weather.com's forecast really was pretty stable after the tease of June 9. It looks like we'll get a pretty standard early summer day.

Date of Forecast	High	Low	Chance of Rain	Wind Speed	Description
9-Jun	79	63	0%	7 mph	"Abundant sunshine."
10-Jun	83	66	30%	6 mph	"Scattered thunderstorms possible."
11-Jun	84	67	30%	6 mph	"A few thunderstorms possible."
12-Jun	83	64	30%	8 mph	"Isolated thunderstorms."
13-Jun	78	63	20%	6 mph	"Mix of sun and clouds."
14-Jun	83	63	20%	8 mph	"More sun than clouds."
15-Jun	85	63	20%	6 mph	"Partly cloudy."
16-Jun	86	67	20%	8 mph	"Generally sunny despite a few afternoon clouds."
17-Jun	86	66	20%	9 mph	"Generally sunny despite a few afternoon clouds."

Here's Weather Underground's:

Date of Forecast	High	Low	Chance of Rain	Wind Speed	Description
12-Jun	81	61	20%	5 mph	"Partly sunny. Chance of thunderstorms."
13-Jun	81	61	20%	3 mph	"Partly sunny. A chance of showers and thunderstorms in the morning."
14-Jun	83	61	10%	4 mph	"Partly sunny. A chance of showers in the morning."
15-Jun	85	63	20%	6 mph	"Partly sunny."
16-Jun	85	68	10%	5 mph	"Mostly sunny."
17-Jun	85	65	20%	5 mph	"Partly sunny. A slight chance of showers and thunderstorms in the afternoon."

Finally, our hour-by-hour for tomorrow, courtesy of Weather.com:

11 AM - 79 degrees, 0% chance of rain
12 PM - 81 degrees, 0% chance of rain
1 PM - 82 degrees, 20% chance of rain
2 PM - 83 degrees, 20% chance of rain
3 PM - 84 degrees, 20% chance of rain
4 PM - 84 degrees, 20% chance of rain
5 PM - 84 degrees, 20% chance of rain
6 PM - 83 degrees, 20% chance of rain
7 PM - 81 degrees, 20% chance of rain

Weather Forecast: 2 Days Out

2011-06-16T21:42:00.002-04:00

Weather.com's map shows rain all over the Eastern half of the US, but New Jersey is safe and secure. We are clearly God's chosen state.

Otherwise, forecast remains pretty stable.

Date of Forecast	High	Low	Chance of Rain	Wind Speed	Description
9-Jun	79	63	0%	7 mph	"Abundant sunshine."
10-Jun	83	66	30%	6 mph	"Scattered thunderstorms possible."
11-Jun	84	67	30%	6 mph	"A few thunderstorms possible."
12-Jun	83	64	30%	8 mph	"Isolated thunderstorms."
13-Jun	78	63	20%	6 mph	"Mix of sun and clouds."
14-Jun	83	63	20%	8 mph	"More sun than clouds."
15-Jun	85	63	20%	6 mph	"Partly cloudy."
16-Jun	86	67	20%	8 mph	"Generally sunny despite a few afternoon clouds."
17-Jun

The hourly forecast says that there is a 0% chance of rain at 2 PM at 83 degrees. That's a little hot for my tastes, but it's hard to complain; we did, after all, pick a late summer date.

Here's Weather Underground:

Date of Forecast	High	Low	Chance of Rain	Wind Speed	Description
12-Jun	81	61	20%	5 mph	"Partly sunny. Chance of thunderstorms."
13-Jun	81	61	20%	3 mph	"Partly sunny. A chance of showers and thunderstorms in the morning."
14-Jun	83	61	10%	4 mph	"Partly sunny. A chance of showers in the morning."
15-Jun	85	63	20%	6 mph	"Partly sunny."
16-Jun	85	68	10%	5 mph	"Mostly sunny."
17-Jun

We've been extremely lucky with the weather, so far. Here's hoping it stays put.

Weather Forecast: 3 Days Out

2011-06-15T23:07:00.004-04:00

We're now firmly ensconced in the mid-80s as the Weather.com forecast temperature ticks up a couple in today's forecast. Just about everything else remains stable.

Date of Forecast	High	Low	Chance of Rain	Wind Speed	Description
9-Jun	79	63	0%	7 mph	"Abundant sunshine."
10-Jun	83	66	30%	6 mph	"Scattered thunderstorms possible."
11-Jun	84	67	30%	6 mph	"A few thunderstorms possible."
12-Jun	83	64	30%	8 mph	"Isolated thunderstorms."
13-Jun	78	63	20%	6 mph	"Mix of sun and clouds."
14-Jun	83	63	20%	8 mph	"More sun than clouds."
15-Jun	85	63	20%	6 mph	"Partly cloudy."
16-Jun
17-Jun

Weather Underground's forecast essentially duplicates Weather.com's for now, except that Weather Underground offers the optimistic "partly sunny" and Weather.com offers the pessimistic "partly cloudy." Strange. Is there a difference?

Date of Forecast	High	Low	Chance of Rain	Wind Speed	Description
12-Jun	81	61	20%	5 mph	"Partly sunny. Chance of thunderstorms."
13-Jun	81	61	20%	3 mph	"Partly sunny. A chance of showers and thunderstorms in the morning."
14-Jun	83	61	10%	4 mph	"Partly sunny. A chance of showers in the morning."
15-Jun	85	63	20%	6 mph	"Partly sunny."
16-Jun
17-Jun

Weather Forecast: 4 Days Out

2011-06-14T22:47:00.003-04:00

The forecast did quite a bit of fluctuating today. When I first checked, it said 86 degrees as the high, which constituted a pretty significant change. I view that as going from "Pleasant, if a little too warm for my tastes" to "The best part of the day will be the part where I take off my suit jacket." The evening forecast looks more in line with what we've been seeing all week.

Date of Forecast	High	Low	Chance of Rain	Wind Speed	Description
9-Jun	79	63	0%	7 mph	"Abundant sunshine."
10-Jun	83	66	30%	6 mph	"Scattered thunderstorms possible."
11-Jun	84	67	30%	6 mph	"A few thunderstorms possible."
12-Jun	83	64	30%	8 mph	"Isolated thunderstorms."
13-Jun	78	63	20%	6 mph	"Mix of sun and clouds."
14-Jun	83	63	20%	8 mph	"More sun than clouds."
15-Jun
16-Jun
17-Jun

Weather Underground's computer had been stubborn, with the day's high and low holding steady all week, but we finally have some change there.

Date of Forecast	High	Low	Chance of Rain	Wind Speed	Description
12-Jun	81	61	20%	5 mph	"Partly sunny. Chance of thunderstorms."
13-Jun	81	61	20%	3 mph	"Partly sunny. A chance of showers and thunderstorms in the morning."
14-Jun	83	61	10%	4 mph	"Partly sunny. A chance of showers in the morning."
15-Jun
16-Jun
17-Jun

Also worth looking forward to: Weather.com's hourly forecast goes out as far as 40 hours. Thursday's post (2 Days Out) will go up at night, and it will include the hourly forecast for the wedding times.

Weather Forecast: 5 Days Out

2011-06-13T18:12:00.005-04:00

We see some significant improvement in the forecast here at 5 days out: temperature dropped a tad, chance of rain dropped a bit. Weather.com has become frighteningly optimistic:

Date of Forecast	High	Low	Chance of Rain	Wind Speed	Description
9-Jun	79	63	0%	7 mph	"Abundant sunshine."
10-Jun	83	66	30%	6 mph	"Scattered thunderstorms possible."
11-Jun	84	67	30%	6 mph	"A few thunderstorms possible."
12-Jun	83	64	30%	8 mph	"Isolated thunderstorms."
13-Jun	78	63	20%	6 mph	"Mix of sun and clouds."
14-Jun
15-Jun
16-Jun
17-Jun

Weather Underground, not so much, particularly in the text forecast. Their model holds steady with the temperature predictions.

Date of Forecast	High	Low	Chance of Rain	Wind Speed	Description
12-Jun	81	61	20%	5 mph	"Partly sunny. Chance of thunderstorms."
13-Jun	81	61	20%	3 mph	"Partly sunny. A chance of showers and thunderstorms in the morning."
14-Jun
15-Jun
16-Jun
17-Jun

Weather Forecast: 6 Days Out

2011-06-12T09:55:00.004-04:00

W-Day is fast approaching--we're now 6 days out. First off, weather.com:

Date of Forecast	High	Low	Chance of Rain	Wind Speed	Description
9-Jun	79	63	0%	7 mph	"Abundant sunshine."
10-Jun	83	66	30%	6 mph	"Scattered thunderstorms possible."
11-Jun	84	67	30%	6 mph	"A few thunderstorms possible."
12-Jun	83	64	30%	8 mph	"Isolated thunderstorms."
13-Jun
14-Jun
15-Jun
16-Jun
17-Jun

We'll also add in another forecast. Here's the forecast from Weather Underground, which pulls its data from the National Weather Service:

Date of Forecast	High	Low	Chance of Rain	Wind Speed	Description
12-Jun	81	61	20%	5 mph	"Partly sunny. Chance of thunderstorms."
13-Jun
14-Jun
15-Jun
16-Jun
17-Jun

We'll start using AccuWeather.com as our third and final forecast once we get close enough to the date that the chance of precipitation isn't considered "premium content."

Weather Forecast: 7 Days Out

2011-06-11T12:00:00.002-04:00

So last night I had a dream that I was checking weather.com and the forecast had increased to a 90% chance of rain. Needless to say, somnolent Dan was pissed off.

Anyway, we're in something of a holding pattern on the weather, according to weather.com. The language has changed a bit, but the percentages remain steady.

Date of Forecast	High	Low	Chance of Rain	Wind Speed	Description
9-Jun	79	63	0%	7 mph	"Abundant sunshine."
10-Jun	83	66	30%	6 mph	"Scattered thunderstorms possible."
11-Jun	84	67	30%	6 mph	"A few thunderstorms possible."
12-Jun
13-Jun
14-Jun
15-Jun
16-Jun
17-Jun

Weather Forecast: 8 Days Out

2011-06-10T18:12:00.011-04:00

I'm going to put the forecasts going forward in a table, so we can track the fluctuations of the various forecasters. (For now, we're still flying solo with weather.com.) As could have been expected, the beautiful forecast that came in yesterday did not hold up.

Date of Forecast	High	Low	Chance of Rain	Wind Speed	Description
9-Jun	79	63	0%	7 mph	"Abundant sunshine."
10-Jun	83	66	30%	6 mph	"Scattered thunderstorms possible."
11-Jun
12-Jun
13-Jun
14-Jun
15-Jun
16-Jun
17-Jun

A note to forecasters: if you say there is a 0% chance of something happening, be damn sure. Putting 0% yesterday was a forecasting nightmare; there was no way you could give a number like that with any sort of confidence at all. And if your computer model spits that out, something is wrong with your formulas or underlying assumptions.

Weather Forecast: 9 Days Out

2011-06-09T21:38:00.004-04:00

Today was the first day that any weather forecasting sites had a forecast for our wedding day. I figured it would be a fun exercise to track the forecast day-by-day, half to see how much it changes, and half just because I am going to be checking it every day to begin with. As we get closer I'll start adding in additional forecasts, but for now, only weather.com is looking that far out. As of now, the forecast is about as pleasant as could be imagined. I can only hope it holds...

Via Weather.com, as of June 9, 2011 at 9:30 PM:

High - 79 degrees
Low - 62 degrees
Chance of rain - 0%
Humidity - 65%
Wind - W 7 mph

"Abundant sunshine. Highs in the upper 70s and lows in the low 60s."

Cake vs. Pie: a hyperbolic approach

2011-06-05T16:27:00.000-04:00

Link sent by my friend Maggie, in support of our wedding pie:

I love cake. Cake is wonderful. But it is too easy to get caught up in the idea of cake. When you compare the data, it is clear that pie is a better choice.

1. Ability of enjoyment to be sustained over time

The first few mouthfuls of cake are almost magical, but as eating continues, enjoyment drops off precipitously. The enjoyment curve for pie appears to be much more stable over time.

lol.

More from Hyperbole and a Half.

Modern marriage culture in China

2011-05-20T09:00:00.001-04:00

This NY Times article "For Many Chinese Men, No Deed Means No Dates" was published a few weeks ago and I found it to be a pretty interesting read.

Han Han, one of China’s most widely read bloggers, frequently assails the government policies that he and many economists say have contributed to rapidly rising prices.

In an interview, he said one consequence of the single-minded focus on real estate, or on earning the money to make mortgage payments and repay family loans, is that young people have little time for anything else. “We’ve created a generation of young people whose sole ambition is to have a piece of property under their name,” he said.

I disagree with the people that intimate this is some new trend that has the culture turning against love-based marriages. I think the Chinese are above all a practical people, and this is just an extension of that. Yes, there is plenty of art and literature in Chinese culture about true love, but they engaged in arranged marriages just as much as anyone else, back in the day.

Also, quotes like "'A lot of girls, encouraged by their parents, see marriage as a way of instantly changing their status without the hard work,' he said bitterly." Um, can anyone say, every rags-to-riches fairy tale princess story ever, pretty much? Where girls move up in life and have princes fall in love with them just by being beautiful and kind and forgiving and meek and all that?

So basically, yes, it's sad for the men who do actually feel stuck with no dating prospects because they either can't or don't want to buy property, and it is a bit weirdly single-minded of women who use this as a barrier to dating someone, but honestly, I just can't get too worked up about given the history of patriarchal culture. Even if it's not entirely right, I do sort of rejoice in women getting some more power here.

Decision-making

2011-05-15T09:00:00.001-04:00

I've been keeping track of the various wedding/marriage related books I've read in the right sidebar, but I wanted to recommend a not specifically related to weddings book that I think would be helpful in the wedding planning process: How We Decide by Jonah Lehrer. Here's what I wrote in my Goodreads review:

This was an excellent, accessible popular science book where the author actually knows what he's talking about (Tara Parker-Pope's For Better, I'm looking at you). The progression of the book made sense, examining the strengths and weaknesses of emotional and rational decision-making each in turn. The different points were illustrated with several real-world examples and tied to research studies, and the conclusions at the end were presented in a useful manner.

It's basically this kind of stuff that made me interested in psychology and neuroscience in the first place in school, in terms of trying to figure out why other people do what they do, since that often mystifies me from the outside. Of course, I eventually realized that I was utterly bored by actually having do the research that is summarized in a sentence or two here, and instead, I just liked learning about the conclusions and trying to apply them to real life.

If you enjoy thinking about thinking, you should read this book.

This is related to wedding planning in that I'm discovering lately that wedding planning could be characterized as a seemingly endless list of decisions to be made. I've gotten to the point where sometimes I'll just say, "eh, I don't have an opinion on this currently."

Anyway, what the book says about how you weigh different pieces of information to come to a logical conclusion, versus sleeping on something for a few days and letting it work itself out in the back of your mind, I think that thinking about those different ways of making decisions could help people planning big life events like weddings.

Also, somewhat related is this post from the world's tallest female econo-blogger, Megan McArdle, on the phenomenon of cold feet:

People's memories change--as Lori Gottlieb points out in Marry Him, scientists who interviewed couples in their first year of marriage, and then again seven years later, found that the happy couples had retroactively rewritten their meeting story to be more positive (love at first sight!) while the people who were having trouble, or divorced, now spoke about their meeting in much less positive terms. This isn't necessarily fabrication; it's just that we pick and choose what we recall, and those who are happy will selectively recall the best parts, while those who are unhappy will accentuate the negative.

I've been at various weddings where bride or groom freaked out beforehand, and the degree of the freak out was not necessarily related to the happiness of the relationship. You should be thinking hard about the decision to love someone and care for them no matter what happens...But of course if things go wrong, you'll naturally look back and think, "I wish I'd taken counsel of my fears!"

Robin wrote a similar post about getting cold feet but not thinking that that really has all that strong a connection to wanting to get married. I agree with both these smart ladies and will add in that just even though cold feet is a common deus ex machina in romantic comedies, that doesn't mean it's actually true in real life.

Attendants' accessories

2011-05-10T21:55:00.000-04:00

Dan's in the middle of trying to find a tie that he and I both like. I tried to talk him into a gold tie made out of matching gold fabric that I'm using as the waist ties on my dress, but he wasn't into the idea at all. He may end up wearing a gold pocket square...we'll see. He's also not much into the idea of boutonnieres, so we may just skip that entirely as well, unless his groomsmen decide they want something. Nevertheless, here are some ideas that I collected:

A Pomp & Plumage boutonniere, via Creature Comforts

Emersonmade boutonnieres, via Little Dwell, who put together a little tutorial for a boutenniere inspired by these

And not so much for the guys, but a fabric flower tutorial from Colette Patterns.

Photobooth info & chalkboards

2011-05-09T22:50:00.000-04:00

Amy has come to my rescue and will be taking over the whole photobooth project, hurrah! It's going to be placed in a corner of the middle terrace outside, where people will see it pretty easily, there's natural light, but it isn't really in the way. There's a door in that corner too that we could try to open up and hang some fabric over if the photobooth backdrop thing doesn't work out.

Overall advice

APW Photobooth How-to, which used a digital SLR, a sturdy rented tripod, a remote shutter device ($15), and saved the photos to the flash card in the camera
Lyn of Another Damn Wedding's post on her photo guestbook: I think this is basically I want! Getting physical photos is more fun than saving files to a card, plus I'm rubbish at getting around to making scrapbooks. Key lessons: she used the Fujifilm INSTAX 210 Instant Photo Camera ($65 on Amazon), with film being ~$2/exposure, and pens for people to write messages on the photos themselves. She also had an instructions sheet, which I think is a really good idea.

Backdrop

Merrilee did a photobooth at a Halloween party that mentioned using an actual photo backdrop stand from a photographer friend of hers, which she has a photo of. Not sure if this is something that can be rented?
While searching on Etsy, I found this shop Fun on a Stick that has a whole section on photobooth setups that seems pretty neat, actually. $83.95 for a freestanding photobooth backdrop with fabric, plus $22 to ship in the U.S.

Hopefully this isn't too unethical, but I have recruited my handy friend Joe to build us one like this out of PVC pipes based on what we can see of the structure in the photos. He thinks it should be pretty easy and quick. I'll take care of sewing up the fabric backdrop, but I can't decide if it should be a solid color (and if so, what color), or a pattern, or...something that's a hodgepodge.

Our photographer Kelly posted this photo of a wedding at the Fuller Craft Museum. I think that background here might be part of the museum? But at first I thought it was some kind of patchwork quilt of fabrics and I kind of like the effect.

Equipment

I have a friend at work who has a Polaroid camera he said I could borrow, but film is apparently pretty expensive? Not sure how that works out on a per exposure cost when compared to including the cost of the Fujifilm Instax camera, hopefully Amy will do the math on that one!
Another option would be to use the point-and-shoot digital camera that we already own and then set up a printer like this Polaroid PoGo Instant Mobile Printer ($35). Amy says she thinks it's a pretty good price for pretty decent printed photos, not the best, but does the job. Also apparently sometimes there are streaks in the photos, but you can calibrate it to avoid those. This printer uses Polaroid ZINK Photo Paper which is pretty inexpensive, about $0.20 per sheet. Photo paper needs to be kept in a cool spot, as heat will damage it and affect how it prints. There's also an adhesive on the back of this paper that you can peel off to glue it to something.

Props

I've posted some other potential props, but Amy also sent me the idea of creating a Polaroid frame out of white cardboard as a prop, kind of like how other people have used an empty picture frame. Set up your digital camera on a tripod and create fake polaroids. By that I mean, cut out a white cardboard frame for people to physically hold and frame themselves in. Like so:

Wedding for Two posted about a really simple DIY chalkboard sign that she made for $7.

While I'm on the topic of chalkboards, I wanted to include this chalkboard program from that same Fuller Craft Museum wedding that Kelly shot:

Pros: a way to display program information without having to make programs, which could be helpful in giving guests a sense of what to expect in the ceremony since it's non-traditional/religious.

Cons: probably only the people sitting in the front would really see them, right? Or is it safe to assume that people would see them when they're milling around before the ceremony starts?

Another chalkboard item are the signs that Lyn also made:

I've been thinking of a way to make signs for things, especially the pies that people will bring, without needing to print things up beforehand. This could be an easy way to do that.

The Music: Closing the Book

2011-05-09T22:00:00.005-04:00

We're reaching the point in the process where the wedding stuff starts to overwhelm real life, unfortunately, which is either exhilarating (we're getting closer to the day!) or frustrating (not another uncomfortable phone call/e-mail!). Katherine is pretty much in non-stop wedding mode when she's not at work, whether it's sewing, or various crafts, or prepping for the ceremony. Our tacit division of labor--which became more explicit about a week ago--is that I handle most of the home maintenance stuff (cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping), while Katherine handles most of the wedding stuff.

The music, however, remains my domain, and there appears to be a bright spot amid the lateness of the hour. A few months ago, I ran a handful of songs for use at the ceremony past Katherine, and she was noncommittal about all of them. Last night, I culled that list into the two I wanted most, and now, she was quite happy with the options. Perhaps being forced to make decisions, in some respects, is a good thing--there's less of a chance to hem and haw and temporize and waste time.

We got two requests for the ceremony itself. BD Lenz generously offered us ceremony music that consisted of himself on an acoustic guitar, along with his saxophonist on the sax. I had mulled over a few options for a while, but I'm pretty happy with the final choices for the ceremony. I went with a bit more of a Beatles' thing for that one:

- Processional: Till There Was You - I really like the Beatles' version of the song, but it has other slower, romantic versions out there as well. The song was originally from The Music Man, but it has also made its way into other contexts, including The Wedding Singer. It works quite well on an acoustic guitar.

- Recessional: When I'm 64 - I had this one in mind from the start, and I'm glad that Katherine acceded. I think it's a PERFECT wedding song, if the core idea of a wedding is that two people have decided to announce that they are guessing that they've found a person that they'll be able to grow old with. The fact that Sir Paul penned something so poignant at such a young age continues to astound me.

The only other song that was seriously considered was "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing," which was our prom song a hundred years ago. There's a great saxophone version of the song on YouTube:

My apologies for the home photos in that one; they're not mine. I listened to this a few times, but I decided that the background orchestration (with the subtle strings) is what gives that its texture. I think just having the solo sax blare out some late-90s Aerosmith would be uncomfortable. Plus, Ben Affleck.

So, why do I say the book is closed? I e-mailed BD Lenz our song choices, including our two requests for the reception from much earlier in this process, "Ever the Same" and "Give the Girl a Kiss." I started having terrible second thoughts on "Give the Girl a Kiss," mostly because "4th of July, Asbury Park (Sandy)" has become the Matilda Edwards to the Mary Todd that is "Give the Girl a Kiss." But, like Lincoln, I ultimately "kept my resolves" and decided to stick with the original choice. (For an excellent treatment of this issue, see Douglas Wilson's Honor's Voice: The Transformation of Abraham Lincoln, which is the best biography I have ever read. For the shorter version, go here.)

That's enough of that. The main reason why I didn't take "4th of July, Asbury Park," a truly great song that has become one of my favorite songs over the last few months, was because of the size of the necessary arrangement. It has a very prominent accordion part, and the piano really does keep the time. I can't imagine the song without those components, and we won't be having either instrument at the wedding. But because I brought it up, enjoy:

Ceremony ideas linkfest

2011-05-08T16:35:00.001-04:00

One of my wedding tasks this weekend is to finally fill out the questionnaire for our officiant to be able to start putting together the first draft for our ceremony. I've gone through the archives on stuff related to the ceremony, but here are some more links that I've been saving up.

Logistics

Getting there: Angie and Josh planned to walk in together, hand-in-hand, just following their celebrant to the designated open area near the pavilion where their reception was hosted. Originally they weren't going to have an aisle, either, but then they decided to have an aisle and have their parents walk them down it instead.
Afterwards: 2000 Dollar Wedding had a post on post-ceremony transition instructions they had their officiants announce, to explain to people what would happen next. This makes so much sense to me, in order to set everyone's expectations, since I don't think we'll be having programs but I think people like to know what's next.

Guides to writing ceremonies

Meg of A Practical Wedding's post on how she and David wrote their modern Jewish ceremony, with always helpful self-reflection. She says, "I think that the fundamental question to ask yourselves when you tackle your ceremony (and to continually ask yourself at various points during the process) is, 'what is the relationship we want to have with tradition?' What push/pull do we want to create with what is traditional for us and/or our families?"
APW post on writing a secular ceremony
More resources at APW on writing a secular ceremony: "First, figure out what you believe about marriage fundamentally. This has to be your foundation, and then when you wade through the insane amount of books/suggestions/google results, you will at least know what to use when/if you see it."
I think I've seen recommendations for Judith Johnsons' The Wedding Ceremony Planner: The Essential Guide to the Most Important Part of Your Wedding Day in a few different places, but the first place was probably this wedding graduate post by Wendy and Darin

Rituals

I need to talk to Dan about this because I think he's probably pretty skeptical on the general idea of rituals that involve audience participation, like a ring warming or a group declaration of support (officiant asks the audience to respond with "we do!" in response to a question about having the community support the marriage), but I think I would really like to have some of that. We'd have to hammer out what wouldn't feel too New Age-y or intrusive to him, but still give me the sense of community involvement that I'd like.

Wedding for Two posted about a friend of hers that had a moment in the ceremony where people were encouraged to introduce themselves to people around them. I've only been to a few church services, so I can't remember if this happens at every one, but I remember some where you shake hands with people around you that you don't know, which I always thought was a really nice thing to have especially for an introvert like me that doesn't generally go around introducing myself to people I don't know. However, she mentions it made the attendants feel awkward and they just did group hugs all around instead. Also, with ~100 at our wedding, with most people attending as part of a larger group of friends or family, people probably will mostly be sitting with people that they know and this would only happen at the fringes where different groups are touching.
I feel pretty strongly that I want to have an acknowledgement of our gratitude and respect for our parents in the ceremony itself, beyond the having them walk us down an aisle possibility. Sharon's inclusion of bowing to their parents in the ceremony feels to me like something we could do that wouldn't feel silly or too awkward like I think a flower ceremony might. Actually, just looking at the photos of this moment in their ceremonies makes me tear up a bit.
An Ask Team Practical post on having bilingual weddings. I think the Chinese contingent will be fine without bilingual signs, but I feel like it might be nice to have a Chinese poem or something read by...someone? Maybe my dad?

People have asked me about what Chinese traditions I'd like to incorporate, but actually, somewhat like Chinese swear words, this was not a part of my Chinese cultural education at all. My parents don't have much to offer here either, as they got married in the U.S. It's a bit strange, as with the long history of Chinese culture, you'd think they would have developed a tradition or two related to marriage, but I've only really seen "traditional" Chinese weddings as portrayed on TV dramas set in the days of the emperors. Probably not too authentic. I'll ask our officiant to do some research here, I suppose.

Readings

Not having been to any weddings as an adult, I'm finding it helpful to read through other people's ceremony texts, like Lyn of Another Damn Wedding's beautiful ceremony.
Posts on APW with suggestions for readings: "Olives, Leaves" and "Water, Wine"
Jessie of Eclectic Unions' blog post on her wedding readings repository, my favorites of which I've grabbed and posted below.

From "Union" by Robert Fulghum, which is apparently out of his book, From Beginning to to End - The Rituals of Our Live. He's also the author of All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.

You have known each other from the first glance of acquaintance to this point of commitment. At some point, you decided to marry. From that moment of yes, to this moment of yes, indeed, you have been making commitments in an informal way. All of those conversations that were held in a car, or over a meal, or during long walks – all those conversations that began with, “When we’re married”, and continued with “I will” and “you will” and “we will” – all those late night talks that included “someday” and “somehow” and “maybe” – and all those promises that are unspoken matters of the heart. All these common things, and more, are the real process of a wedding. The symbolic vows that you are about to make are a way of saying to one another, “You know all those things that we’ve promised, and hoped, and dreamed – well, I meant it all, every word.”

Look at one another and remember this moment in time. Before this moment you have been many things to one another – acquaintance, friend, companion, lover, dancing partner, even teacher, for you have learned much from one another these past few years. Shortly you shall say a few words that will take you across a threshold of life, and things between you will never quite be the same.

For after today you shall say to the world –
This is my husband. This is my wife.

From The Irrational Season by Madeleine L’Engle [edit: I checked out a copy of this book from the library, as Dan wanted to learn the context, but then we found out that this isn't actually one straight passage in the book, so I'm correcting this to show the parts that were taken out. It's from pages 46-48]

But ultimately there comes a moment when a decision must be made. Ultimately two people who love each other must ask themselves how much they hope for as their love grows and deepens, and how much risk they are willing to take. . . . It is indeed a fearful gamble. . . . Because it is the nature of love to create, a marriage itself is something which has to be created, so that, together we become a new creature. . . . To marry is the biggest risk in human relations that a person can take. . . . If we commit ourselves to one person for life this is not, as many people think, a rejection of freedom; rather it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent; into that love which is not possession, but participation. . . . It takes a lifetime to learn another person. . . . When love is not possession, but participation, then it is part of that co-creation which is our human calling, and which implies such risk that it is often rejected.

A few paper goods projects

2011-05-06T00:02:00.000-04:00

From Maia, I learned about this concept of a "wedding tree."

Basically it's a poster with an image of a tree on it that you set up at the reception with an ink pad, a test notepad of paper, and perhaps some wipes for people to clean their hands, and they put their thumbprint along the tree branches as the "leaves" and sign their names around it. Etsy has a good number of different printable designs. I think this is a pretty neat idea, because you then end up with basically a poster that you can hang in your home.

I will not be doing this as I don't think there will be that many kids at the reception, but if you were having many younger guests and wanted to set up activities for them, this DIY coloring book using photos project would be pretty fun, I think.

And also, we got our first wedding present the other day (thank you again to the Lius, many-generational family friends on my mom's side)! Which got me to thinking about getting some nice thank you cards. Dan doesn't really get why I want non-everyday thank you cards, but I'm pushing for them anyway. I came up with a photo-based idea to be printed at Overnight Prints that's waiting on the wedding bands arriving, but I also found these letterpressed thank you cards on Etsy with that double happiness character in the background:

$3.50 per individual card, plus shipping

It's quite an elegant design, I think. I contacted the seller about making up an order of 50 cards with design but the Chinese character for thanks in the background instead of the double happiness, and she was really open to the idea, offered to customize the border colors, and also threw in a bulk order discount.

An excellent reaction to the invitation

2011-05-04T22:45:00.001-04:00

Subject: Just thought I'd mention

that I like your invitations so much, with the double happiness symbol tied to the front, that I'm trying my hardest not to disturb the original design. This means, effectively, that I can't open it all the way. I have to sort of move the thread around when I want to read the text. I am perhaps doomed never to see the directional maps you included on the inside; can I call if I get lost?

I've been loving the positive responses we've been getting in response to the invitations (the negative ones I haven't heard directly and so can't form an opinion on those, of course) and just wanted to share this recent one. It's from one of our high school friends who I didn't even really think of as one to notice wedding-related aesthetic details. Yay!

More hanging decorations

2011-05-03T22:20:00.000-04:00

I'm trying to clean up my draft posts and saved links as I work on fleshing out my wedding project plan spreadsheet (it's a bit intense). I have quite a list of other things I want to post about, like our invitations, and the wedding website my friend Amy helped me build with Google Sites, but it's crunch time until the wedding now and I should probably put off writing those posts for later.

I love the texture and simplicity of these string chandeliers! I think I actually once got a yarn ball like this as a favor from a birthday party in middle school. That one had multiple yarn colors mixed in, but I quite like these solid colors. Only thing is that it's a rather messy project and takes up a good amount of space.

Tutorial at Ruffled, though I can't remember where I got this link from.

I also really quite like this pom pom garland. I haven't always like previous photos of pom pom garlands that I've come across before, I think, but these appeal to me, plus they'd be really easy to store. Also, I think I do actually have the Clover pom-pom making kit mentioned in the instructions.

Tutorial at Honestly...WTF

There's a really cute shop in Hoboken that I walk by every day on my way to and from the PATH station, and they always have really awesome window displays. I spoke to the owner once, she told me it's her sister-in-law who does them, and they're always really creative and cool but in an accessible way, as opposed to Anthropologie window displays, where lately I walk by and my jaw will drop but I will also think that they're a little crazy while envying their job a little. Anyway, right now this shop has some really pretty tulle pom poms hanging, which led me to look for some tutorials. Martha's got a write-up, of course, but I also found a couple others. Same concept as a regular yarn pom pom, pretty much.

This photo from the Once Wed tutorial.

Invitation development and wording

2011-03-21T18:00:00.010-04:00

Just a couple more images:

A simple way to get some colorful artwork onto a card: grid filled in with different mixed colors of acrylic paint (mer mag)

"Los Angeles" invitation suite by KenzieKate (via Oh So Beautiful Paper, of course)

I love this design, enough to even actually try to look what the cost would be to just pick this and get the invitations done. It's the colors, the graphic chevron stripes (I'm not sure whether this trend is just starting up or if it's already fading away, but I don't care), the handwriting font, and the clever placement of red text for emphasis. I appreciate that this business' website gives you a price calculator, but $1250 (about 50% of our venue cost) for invitations that I hope will at least be recycled just isn't going to happen here.

I came across this in my email the other day and realized I'd forgotten to share this poster Amy (she of the save-the-date design) one day when she was "goofing off." I don't know about you, but when I goof off, I generally don't end up with anything out of it, much less an adorable design of some sort:

Does the state of NJ look like a seahorse shape to anyone else?

Lately to try to make my weekday evenings a bit more productive, I try to set myself just one goal for the night, with my laptop down at 10pm to help me get to bed earlier. A couple weeks ago, I set myself the goal of going through my archives of invitation designs I've really liked to try to categorize the different aspects of what I'd like to have. They include:

Stitching details: fabric overlay with words printed onto fabric, stitch into paper directly, stitch two layers of paper together, broken line border, fabric envelope
Type as graphic design: modern and bold plus handwriting detail
Typewriter: as font, on vellum paper
Circles
Kraft paper: contrasting the rougher brown texture with something dainty, like a lace doily
Illustrations/line drawings
Papercuts
Other little details: rounded corners, colors in general, fabric tape, pennant stamp, letterpressed text
Envelopes: templates, Google Maps

Which is a lot to be going on with (I won't do everything all at once), but I'm hoping to get more traction here by giving myself clear next steps for what to research and test. I want to have the invitation ready to be mailed out in mid-April, which gives me about a month to get them all done.

I also need to figure out the wording on the invitation, of course. Robin's post on trying to do so is very funny. I think we're going to go with the suggestions we've received about just saying something like "Join us for hors d'oeuvres, drinks, and pies galore" rather than including the full menu and then posting the full menu to the wedding website.

The trickier item item of invitation wording is going to be designating the dress code, I think. Amid Privilege posted her mother's advice for wedding invitation dress codes, which includes not saying what's not allowed and recommends using standard dress code wording if possible (Cocktail, not Semi-Formal), leaving it up to guests to figure out the rest given the style of the invitation, what they know of the couple, and the time and location of the wedding. I probably might give more examples in the FAQ of the wedding website for those that want more guidance. Handwringing over what's appropriate to wear to a certain event and fears about being over- or under-dressed waste enough of everyone's energy everywhere else already.

The Beer: Results

2011-03-18T23:30:00.000-04:00

The results are in for our preference poll; it's been up for over 36 hours now, so I figure that's enough time to get a sample of something, at least.

The votes:

Sam Adams Summer Ale - 7
Kronenbourg 1664 - 5

Smithwicks - 8
Bass Ale - 4

I think this implies that I should stick with Sam Summer Ale and thus stick it to the French; because Kronenbourg was such a late entry into the fold, the only way it would have received serious consideration was with a loud outcry of support from the masses. That did not materialize. It, unfortunately, ran a rather disorganized campaign and did not develop a very good ground game. (It should have emphasized its German roots rather than its French reality, I suppose.)

As for Smithwicks/Bass Ale: prior to the poll idea, I was going to do a blind taste test between the two and decide from there. But the Summer Ale/Smithwicks combo really does seem quite elegant, particularly because Smithwicks is a little darker than Bass. I think I'll still do the blind taste test if only for my own edification. (Plus blind taste tests are fun. Who doesn't like blind taste tests?)

The Beer

2011-03-17T06:00:00.001-04:00

While I am dispositionally non-confrontational, I am also something of a natural critic/analyst, finding myself compelled to comment on the positives and negatives of different things.* Unfortunately, it is often difficult for me to verbalize exactly why I like something and dislike something.** To describe something effectively, you must be an expert on it, probably down to the mechanics of how that something is actually made or done. So, as much as I like to comment on various things, the only things I am really qualified to comment on intelligently are in some fairly narrow history fields where I have done primary source research. Everything else requires a degree of finessing reality a bit, or at least papering over some of its intricacies. (See: my discussion of different Bruce Springsteen songs. And I know a LOT about the Boss' catalogue.)

*I usually manage to keep my mouth shut in public, and then bombard Katherine with why I think something was stupid. Lord knows why she puts up with it. This makes most people think that I am a quiet, unassuming guy, which is my preferred self-presentation.

**I get the feeling that this is a common problem for just about everyone. Read reviews of wine and you'll know exactly what I mean.

Katherine and I set out a few weeks back to meet with our caterer and to check out our venue for the second time, and she asked how many varieties of beer we would want to provide. As someone who likes to encourage variety and choice, I suggested "seven or eight." Our contact Samantha gently noted, "You may want to stick to something a little lower..." and added that four choices usually works well. Seven or eight would be difficult to manage.***

***I would swear by Samantha, who is among the most competent people I have ever dealt with.

This brings me to our beer choices. Unfortunately, I am not a trained beer expert, so there will be a bit of finessing reality here. I also don't have the words to describe the taste, so I have appropriated the words of more confident reviewers from the interwebs. I hope they don't mind.

So, here's where I stand on the Four Beers:

Coors Light: While I am no beer snob, I don't drink crappy American macros. Still, Coors Light is the least offensive of the Big Three, to me. It has basically no taste but is refreshing. Bud Light tastes like lightly-carbonated rice water. Miller Lite tastes like I imagine that urine would taste. I decided that some people actually prefer drinking bad tasting or weak beer to the alternative, and I can sympathize, at least. I have been in situations where the only food options are gourmet and elaborate (where everything has truffle oil) and I found myself desperate for some chicken pot pie or a burger.
Yuengling Lager: This was an easy choice. I find Yuengling to be an excellent value beer with a very deep, beery taste. I am not a huge fan of Yuengling, and I rarely, if ever, buy it in 6 packs. But it is certainly drinkable, and it is very popular in our generation.

Those two are in, and, barring some severe beer shortages or accidents at their breweries, they should be available at the wedding. The other two, though, are more challenging.

First and foremost, there should be a contrast between the two remaining beers. It wouldn't make sense to have Miller Lite and Bud Light, even if they didn't suck; they would be too similar to Coors Light. We want variety in our choices here.

So I came up with a couple of options. Here's what we have, modeled after a student council style election.

Running for "Lighter Beer at the 2011 Jersey Hootenanny Wedding":

Samuel Adams Summer Ale

Beer style: American Pale Wheat Ale
How it got the nomination: Sam's Summer Ale is my third favorite Sam specialty beer, behind the Old Fezziwig Ale and the Chocolate Bock. Those are both winter only, so the summer ale is a worthy consolation prize. Plus, the wedding is quite close to the start of summer.
Praise for the beer from a random person who felt strongly enough to write about it on the internet: "This is the quintessential summer beer. The ale has a very smooth ale feeling to it, and does not leave your mouth dry. The flavor has a nice fruit taste without over powering you with too much sweetness. Some places garnish this one with fruit, but I like it as it is. Cheers." - chiccabeer, BeerAdvocate.com
Criticism for the beer from a random person who felt strongly enough to write about it on the internet: "The taste is dominated by lemon and spice. Standard wheat beer flavors are not noticeable. There is a sharp flavor apparently from spices rather than hop bitterness. The aftertaste is strange and 'soapy' ... I would not call this refreshing or drinkable. I give the brewer credit for trying something different than a standard American Wheat style, but I don't care for the heavy-handed, strange combination of spices." - Radome, BeerAdvocate.com
Interesting way I can use the beer to be annoying: Periodically adopting a horrible Boston accent.

Kronenbourg 1664

Beer style: Euro Pale Lager
How it got the nomination: I first had this beer about a year ago at a tavern in New York, and was quite impressed. I had halfheartedly been looking for the beer for a while to try it again, to the point where I asked about it at a bar and they said that they were all out (even though it was on a menu). The next day, I was at a gathering of friends when one of them brought it. I took it as a sign (and had a very satisfying bottle right then and there).
Praise for the beer from a random person who felt strongly enough to write about it on the internet: "very nice lager and example of the style, nice balance of malt and very crisp hop bitterness and dryness on the back end, very nice and super enjoyable flavor... drinkable to the extreme with a very lot of flavor for the style, definitely worth trying and so much better then most lagers out there today." - Stunner97, BeerAdvocate.com
Criticism for the beer from a random person who felt strongly enough to write about it on the internet: "... The carbonation seems quite low for the best-by date not even being near. Mouth feel is that of cold, lightly carbonated water and is therefore easy to drink, but flavors are not prominent enough to enjoy. I had a lot of trouble separating the ingredients on my tongue to analyze the taste at all. Stick to wine, France. Stick to wine." - BFrost, BeerAdvocate.com
Interesting way I can use the beer to be annoying: Detailed discussions of sad history of Alsace-Lorraine, where this beer hails from, along with international relations theory, because Alsace is the textbook case of irredentism.

And, running for "Heavier Beer at the 2011 Jersey Hootenanny Wedding":

Smithwick's

Beer style: Irish Red Ale
How it got the nomination: I asked my sister's long-term boyfriend for some recommendations for a fourth beer, after having told him that Sam Summer, Coors Light, and Yuengling would be the other three. He has good taste in beer.
Praise for the beer from a random person who felt strongly enough to write about it on the internet: "The beer possesses a near perfect mouth feel. Nice and light with lots of carbonation, yet really creamy. It feels very velvety on the tongue. There is a slight metallic taste, and then lots of roasted/toasted nuts and malts. Also some smoky/woody flavour and a sort of port wine taste. It finishes with a nice light bitter sweet after taste. A great beer that is tried and true. It's no wonder it's so popular - delicious!" - spinrsx, BeerAdvocate.com
Criticism for the beer from a random person who felt strongly enough to write about it on the internet: "Mouthfeel is thin and watery with no character or appeal. Feels like a light coffee flavored water in your mouth. Flavors follow. Light, weak and watered. Like a weak cup of coffee to which one added light carbonation and some water. No reason to drink this one, unless one needs to hydrate and there no water in sight." - GRG1313, BeerAdvocate.com
Interesting way I can use the beer to be annoying: Deliberate mispronunciation. The beer is technically pronounced "SMITH-iks" but I could easily go with "smith-WICKS."

Bass Pale Ale

Beer style: English Pale Ale
How it got the nomination: See above.
Praise for the beer from a random person who felt strongly enough to write about it on the internet: "In my opinion Bass is a wonderful Ale. Upfront you get blasted by the bitterness of the hops and then the malt kicks in with the swallow. Carbonation is light, not heavy. Fits very well with the beer. I also get a bit of a fruity/nutty taste with it... Seeing as I drank down a whole 12 pack of bottles that evening, I believe it's safe to say that it is very drinkable." - PapillonJohn, BeerAdvocate.com
Criticism for the beer from a random person who felt strongly enough to write about it on the internet: "Appearance is copper color, topped with light foamy head that produced little lacing. Aroma consists of musty yeast and bruised apples. Yuk! Initial taste contains a minute amount of bitter hops and malt, those danged apples again, followed by fruit and brown sugar. This under-carbonated beer leaves a nasty taste in your mouth, and DO NOT drink it warm. Hard to believe this beer is selling well." - palliko, BeerAdvocate.com
Interesting way I can use the beer to be annoying: Did you know that Bass Ale's famous "red triangle" logo was the first-ever trademarked logo in British history? This could quickly devolve into an uninformed discussion on intellectual property.

So, now it's your turn. (Note: this is a non-binding preference poll. So I might ignore the results.)

First first dance dance lesson

2011-03-13T22:32:00.001-04:00

Dan and I just came back from our first "first dance" lesson! One of my aunts is a ballroom dancing instructor and my mom's been taking lessons with her for awhile, so we went over to my aunt's place tonight with my mom for our first hour-long lesson. We're practicing to the acoustic version of "Ever the Same" and learning a series of foxtrot steps (slow, slow, quick quick):

Two basic steps
One quarter turn
One promenade
One spin
One diagonal weight shift thing
Two quarter turns
Two karaoke step things
One arm swaying thing across two sets of four beats
One quarter turn
Repeat from beginning.

It was really fun! I've always liked taking dance lessons and had Chinese folk dance as my cultural class in Chinese school for years and years, with a few years of ballet when I was very little. Dan is not as much into the dancing but wants to learn to do this for the wedding and is trying really hard. Sometimes (in life) he'll get frustrated enough to lose his temper (rare) when he's not learning something quickly enough for his own standards, but we kept it light enough tonight to laugh about our various mistakes.

We'll have to practice a bit, but since it's not a particularly long or complicated sequence, it shouldn't take too long to make it smooth. I also like that it doesn't look too fancy, but still pretty and graceful. My aunt says that since we want to learn this for just one dance, it'll probably end up being around five lessons altogether.

My overall plan is to go with what Miss Manners said about the first dance more being about the couple opening the dancing, with the couple breaking off about halfway through to start collecting more people onto the dance floor. Look, it's even in the Wikipedia article on the first dance: "The 'first dance' of a bride and groom is a popular element at many post-wedding celebrations in modern European and American traditions. Exactly like an old-fashioned ball, the idea is that the bride and groom, as the guests of honor at a dance, open the dancing, not that they perform a choreographed duet for spectators."

I figure this helps us avoid the wedding-as-a-stage syndrome, gives us less to have to learn in order to fill up the time, and will also allow us to dance for a bit with our respective sets of parents without needing to do separate things like a father-daughter dance. And, this'll be one clear way to get people to start dancing. Some more ideas from 2000 Dollar Wedding on how to get people to dance:

pick a very high energy first song and ask everyone in the wedding party to dance their hearts out to get the party started. Bridesmaid Cara has already volunteered her efforts for something along these lines (thank you).
also ask a few trusted friends and family members to commit to dancing right away too (Emily N, Caitlin...I'm looking at you)
start telling people way ahead of time to "make sure to bring their dancing shoes" and continually emphasize that you want the reception to be about the dancing so that when it comes to it, everyone already knows that's what was important to the couple and will hopefully partake
if you want people to dance at your wedding, you should be out there dancing yourself
get the kids involved: "About 20% of our crowd was kids, and I tried to dance with all of them. Kids usually love to dance, especially at a big party, and they really loosen up a crowd!"

In other bits of wedding planning news, I put up a big old countdown gadget on the right sidebar of the blog. Less than 100 days. Um, eek.

So I did cut out the muslin that weekend and even thread-traced the seam lines, but haven't yet sewn it up and fitted it (trip to visit college roommates in Boston, then recovering from that, then APW book club #2, then many social events this past week, blah blah excuses). That'll be my goal for this upcoming week. I should also really narrow down my ideas for the invitation designs and flowers and set up a few test runs.

We started pre-marital counseling last week, from a therapist I found through work. One of our benefits is to have five counseling sessions of any kind, for free, and evidently pre-martial counseling qualifies as falling under relationship counseling. It was a little awkward at first, but I thought the therapist was very good about just asking us questions to direct the conversation. We started with very general things, like why we want to get married, and then started moving into heavier topics like our ideas about what might make married life difficult. Nothing particularly new was unearthed for us, but it seemed useful enough to keep trying, at any rate. We have another session this week.

One thing I'm really looking forward to and crossing my fingers that it works out is a girls' weekend being planned jointly by Emily N and Abby. This is to be sort of like a bachelorette party, but minus any craziness and plus a lot more sitting around in our pajamas, watching sci-fi, crafting, and cooking. I read The Conscious Bride a couple months ago and while some of it was a little too New Age-y for me, the author did go on for some time about the importance of finding time to connect with the important women in your life before making the transition into married status.

I actually don't understand right now why getting married should change my relationships with my girlfriends in any way, but I don't want to miss out on time with them beforehand should I be wrong about things staying mostly the same. However, lots of these girls are grad students of one kind or another and would have to travel to get to the NYC area, so we'll see. I don't want to put pressure on people to have to fit in two trips to this area into their budgets and busy schedules, so if it doesn't work out for whatever reason, so it goes, but it would be a lot of fun to basically recreate the way I spent most Friday nights in college :)

Dress accessories: top & bottom

2011-02-18T10:53:00.000-05:00

I will cut the muslin for the Crepe dress this long weekend. I WILL I WILL I WILL!!!

I've written already about my ideas so far for The Dress' construction, stuff to go on the surface, and stuff to go underneath. The last batch of ideas I've been holding onto are for items to go on top and on the bottom.

TOP

I haven't decided yet if I want some sort of jacket or shawl or something to cover my shoulders and arm a bit more as part of my outfit. Originally I thought, if I make a separate piece to go along with the dress, then I can have each item contain some more formal looking elements that when put together elevate the overall look, but then could be worn separately afterwards and dressed down easily. I also generally don't like to be sleeveless when being photographed (ah, for the days when I played at least 2 hours of tennis every day...high school arms, I miss you!), and setting in sleeves while sewing garments is a pain, so I thought maybe handmade sleeveless dress + purchased jacket would solve those issues.

It's going to be hot in June, though, as hard as that is to imagine right now. Dan will be wearing his suit jacket during the ceremony and take it off afterwards, so I could probably also get through the ceremony with more clothing on, but decreasing sweatiness potential is a good goal to keep in mind. Also, I usually have difficulty finding jackets that fit well in the shoulders, aren't tight in the arms, have enough give to be able to move my arms backwards and forwards, and close up without gaping.

The bridal brigade and I went on an accessories trip to the mall on New Year's Day and while we were in H&M, I spotted this orangey-red lace cropped jacket that was surprisingly close to what I had been thinking of in my head previously:

Credit to my sister for sneakily snapping this cell phone photo. Though the H&M workers at our local Jersey mall probably wouldn't have actually cared all that much...

Pros: cheap, red, eyelet fabric, vertical lines are elongating

Cons: more of an orangey-red than a cherry red, sleeves are probably a tad too long, and no size available then that I could remotely squeeze into.

Tasia had posted this 50s bolero pattern previously in her own quest for a coverup for summer dresses that I thought was pretty cool-looking and figured would help increase the vintage vibe:

Vogue 7411

But she ended up not being too happy with how it turned out, and looking at it again, I don't know if the strong horizontal line made by the bottom of the bolero is a good idea with the waistline probably also making another horizontal line across the body.

I've looked at knitted shawl collar patterns too, like this one designed by Amanda Berke:

Knitted items are a lot more forgiving to fit, and this one looks like it has a pretty cool construction. The photos make it look like it ends up have cap sleeves, though, and with the way it's constructed, it could take me awhile to figure out how to make longer sleeves. Also, I'm a pretty slow knitter.

Etsy, as always, provides a gateway to really gorgeous items, like these wraps and boleros by the seller bonzie:

The Corsaged Silk Wrap, inspired by Victorian styles, made in dupioni raw silk ($79)

See, it really is a wrap, just ties in the back. No fitting worries!

The look I like best currently, though, is this vintage bolero sewn by Veronica Darling:

Apparently the pattern (Simplicity 3546, a 50s pattern) has just 2 pattern pieces and only took her an hour to sew up!

I'll be pondering this for awhile longer, what with the muslin cutting I will be doing this weekend.

BOTTOM

For my shoes, I want to wear sturdy heels in the vicinity of 2-2.5", that I'll be able to keep on for at least most of the day, that are less than $200, and that I'll wear again, and often. Heels just looked much better in the photos, I think, with that extra lift (I'm 5'2" and Dan's 5'11"). Lately when I get bored, I just comb Zappos and Endless and Scarpasa and any other online shoe store with free shipping and returns and extensive search filters. The colors I'm looking at include bright red, yellow, light blue, and gold, but I haven't really found much so far. People at work make fun of how many pairs of shoes I order, get delivered, and return shortly thereafter.

A friend at work introduced me to this site, Shoes of Prey, which allows you to design your own shoe! They cost $230 for 2" heels made in leather and can be returned for a full refund if you're not fully satisfied (as stated in their FAQ). $230 seems like a pretty amazing deal for custom shoes, but a bit high considering I don't want anything that's actually that fancy in design, just well-constructed, comfortable, and an acceptable color.

If I find the perfect shoe in terms of color, fit, and heel height, but the heel is on the skinny side, meaning in danger of sinking into the grass if the weather's good enough to still have the ceremony outside but the ground is soft or muddy, this SoleMate product that Cara suggested could be quite helpful:

It basically widens the base of the shoe's heel to prevent sinking.

I'm not sure I'd be comfortable walking in shoes with heels that narrow, though. I wear Converse or other flat shoes most days.

If everything about the shoe is perfect except for the color, BurdaStyle has a tutorial on covering shoes with fabric:

Before

After

I think they look surprisingly good, don't you?

That's all I've got for now. If you have any other ideas for me, please do share! I'd very much appreciate it, as instead of aimlessly browsing shoe stores, I will, of course, be cutting out my muslin.

Dress accessories: petticoats

2011-02-12T09:00:00.002-05:00

Depending on whether the horsehair braid hem method gives sufficient poof to the skirt portion of the dress, I may need to wear a petticoat of some kind. From a particularly fluffy one I tried on at Re/Dress a few weeks ago, I know that it should at least have more fluff around the hips, to look more like a bell, rather than a triangle.

Sock Dreams sells a few different styles ranging in price from $16-$35, and they have free shipping. Many of their styles even come in red. The annoying thing is that for many of these, the product photos are arty but not that helpful to getting a straight on view of the petticoat's shape.

BurdaStyle has a tutorial for making a simple three-tiered petticoat:

I'm pretty certain this is the tutorial used in the Petticoat Sewing Class offered by M Avery Designs (the same sewing studio right in Hoboken that I mentioned has open lab hours). The class goes for 2 hours and costs $25 on top of the materials (including 9.5 yard of tulle. 9.5 yards!).

I've been spending a good amount of time lately updating my Ravelry account (social networking/project management site for knitters/crocheters, basically) because I've been on this whole organizing/labeling kick, and this knitted bloomer pattern is in my queue:

Hmm, they look a little ridiculous in that photo. Well, they probably are rather ridiculous in real life too, but! I have loads of red Tahki Cotton Classic yarn sitting around anyway, and it seems like a relatively easy knit, and if you're like me and have round thighs that rub (and therefore chafe) when it's really hot like, like it was all last summer, bloomers/pettipants are a godsend. Srsly.

Chinese wedding portraits

2011-02-10T09:00:00.002-05:00

Awhile back, I was sent this Jezebel post on Foreign Policy photo essay "Beautiful Me!", about the business of wedding portraits in China.

Chinese wedding photography is a parade of excess and ambition, an elaborate and expensive rite of passage, and often more prized than the ceremony itself.
...
The whole production can cost from $450 to more than $15,000, a huge expense in a country where the average per capita income is roughly $3,000 (about $10,000 in Beijing). But it's increasingly seen as a must-have for China's image-conscious middle class, now some 430-million strong.
...
For those who can afford them, these tokens are a constant reminder that they've made it in modern China, and an affirmation of who they aspire to be.

"At popular wedding photo locations, such as this beach on Hainan Island, couples line up every several yards to pose for their romantic photographic keepsakes."

It's an interesting piece, but as with many controversial items on the internet (WSJ's "Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior" essay, anyone?), the comments start getting repetitive pretty quickly. People going back and forth judging the couples who do this, judging the author for judging these couples, making accusations of the pot calling the kettle black given the state of the American wedding industry as a whole (not just limited to photography), etc.

On the one hand, if you've ever opened an American wedding magazine at all, then yes, the following statements are a bit rich:

In China, unlike in the West, wedding photographs are often as important as the ceremony itself…Both bride and groom are caked with make-up; for any accidental blemishes, there's always Photoshop. The aspiration is not to document a real event, but to look perfect.

As Robin's Brides magazine by the numbers posts show, the American WIC begs to differ. You also have to keep in mind that most modern Chinese wedding celebrations consist of just throwing a big banquet dinner, no elaborate dinner/dancing/decorated venue kind of reception.

But, I do think there's slightly more to this than than just "WIC-induced fever spreads wherever there's an increase in the middle class." I think there's an element of modern Chinese culture that just cares about having a perfect image of things, rather than substance. My parents live in a town where the Asian population is pretty high, and sometimes they'll talk about how they've been to some of the other houses that look magnificent and enormous from the outside but only have plastic furniture inside. Or are empty.

Or, my mom will tell me after her trips back about how Shanghai has been developing so rapidly, where there is now a whole block of skyscrapers used to be just a field when she went to school there, but everything looks surprisingly old and worn for being so new. She says the Chinese can build and develop, sure, but they don't really bother with upkeep of existing structures, and she predicts that all the shiny new arenas they put together for the 2008 Olympics in Beijing will get gross unbelievably quickly.

Shrug. I don't really have a conclusion here. When I first saw that photo-essay, I indulged in a bit "oh man that's crazy!" but ultimately, just as with American wedding excess, my position is that if this what people really think they want, so it goes. Just don't expect me to help bail anyone out if they go into debt pursuing it.

Dress embellishment

2011-02-08T09:00:00.001-05:00

In the category of, "probably only if May rolls around and I somehow find myself with oodles and oodles of free time," here are a couple interesting ideas for embellishing the dress:

As brought up by Gertie, the hand embellishment techniques used by Alabama Chanin have the potential to be adapted for different aesthetics.

I checked out a copy of Alabama Stitch Book to flip through and I don't think I would've paid much attention if it weren't for Gertie's post. In its Alabama Chanin form, it would be a little too...homespun-y for my taste, but check out what Gertie's done for one of her dresses:

Gorgeous.

Another method that may be slightly less time-consuming (but probably not by much) is this vintage-style surface cording tutorial from Colette Patterns:

Again, gorgeous.

One of the benefits to cording versus beading is that I might be more comfortable with machine washing it. I think that's a goal I want to have, for this dress to be machine washable, so that I'll wear it often afterwards as a summer dress. Any fancy bits will either have to be detachable or part of a separate piece.

Chinese family naming system

2011-02-06T18:58:00.001-05:00

So, I just addressed the last of the save-the-date postcards this weekend. I went to my parents' place for Chinese New Year dinner and tried to pry a few more relatives' addresses out of them. I think about wedding guests in a very relational way, with associated responsibilities. For example, if it's through my dad's side that I am related to this person and are therefore inviting them, I expect my dad to help with procuring the necessary information.

We did the same thing in the first round with getting addresses for Dan's side of the guest list, but my parents have been less forthcoming. I think they're a bit of the attitude, "if you can't reach someone via email, why bother with mailing addresses, just use the phone." They played it off as giving me an opportunity to reach out to my cousins for their parents' addresses. Luckily, these cousins came through for me, and very quickly at that, too, so I looked up the last few kinship terms on this helpful chart and wrote them out in my likely worse than a Chinese kindergardener's writing. It's the thought that counts, yeah?

I'd mentioned briefly in the last post about the save-the-date postcards about how I had to look up then which were the right terms to use for different family members, based on how I'm related to them. This chart I found this time around, though, better visually describes the precision to which you can name a relationship in the Confucian system.

Really gives you a sense for a non-Western culture in which your relationship to other people and your relative ages are more important than your individuality, since at family gatherings, you wouldn't really address anyone outside of your own generation with their given names. Instead, you'd use the appropriate kinship term (after a hushed conference with your parents, generally) and respectfully greet everyone. "Hello, 3rd uncle older than my father, 3rd uncle's wife. Hello, 2nd aunt older than my father, 2nd aunt's husband."

It's a complicated system, but it mostly makes sense since it's all based around the principles of increasing respect with increasing age (and a bit of, more important to distinguish males than females, which sometimes sets my mom off on how Confusion culture is patriarchal, which I'm really amused by because she mostly lives a feminist life but doesn't usually go off on feminist rants). It makes more sense to me than the Western system with all the "once removed" or first/second/etc. business. I can mostly remember the Chinese kinship terms now, though it's nice to be to easily look them up now too (yay Internet!) but I can never remember the right designations in the Western system.

Anyway, just wanted to share a bit of Chinese culture there, since in general people seem to find it interesting that I often have no idea what my relatives' real full names are (in English or in Chinese), because I only know them by their numbered designation.

Dress construction

2011-02-01T09:00:00.001-05:00

I keep meaning to start on the muslin for the Crepe dress sew-along, which is an easy-to-fit wrap dress from Colette Patterns with a sweetheart neckline:

I bought a bright green leaf print cotton to use for the sew-along, and then I realized that this might work for The Dress as well. So, my plan is to make and fit the bodice in musin, then make the whole dress out of the green fabric, and then if all goes well, make it one more time in a dressier red fabric.

I do also have this New Look pattern I ordered of eBay ages ago, that also has a sweetheart neckline but with princess seams and a zipper, as well as the dress sloper I made in the Perfect Dress class at Sew Fast Sew Easy, so I have a few backups for patterns.

The issue to getting started is that I still want to finish the skirts I made even before the dress class, and I just haven't gotten around to doing that. Also, I hate cutting out fabric at home, I clear off the kitchen table or the coffee table but it always takes ages because I can't lay everything out at once, the heights are uncomfortable, and I worry that things might slip and the cutting will be inaccurate.

I've discovered that there's a sewing studio right in Hoboken that hosts open lab hours for $10/hour. It might be worth that just to have sufficient space to cut everything out on, I could do all the sewing at home. I meant to go check it out this past weekend but decided that staying in my PJs and finishing up the chilling book Let the Right One In, and later finishing up my spice jar/soap dispensers reorganization with the newly arrived labeler I bought from Amazon was more appealing. I have pretty simple needs.

Anyway, a few more construction details/ideas I've been saving up:

Gertie's post of examples of vintage red dresses with lace overlay made me swoon, but I don't think I'd be up for making a whole dress with a lace layer. Maybe just a skirt overlay wouldn't be too bad, though? Also, here's Gertie's own finished red lace dress, which is lovely.

I really want to do everything right on the dress, even if it's simple. Putting a lace trim on the lining would be such a fun detail. Perhaps my something blue?

If I don't go with the wrap dress pattern, a waist stay seems to be in order if you want to do a proper full skirted dress ("hooks up around the waistline and helps to support this wonderfully full skirt...also reduces strain on the zipper, which is great on any fitted dress").

Finally, in my last skirt class, the teacher introduced us to the marvel of hem-marking tools, to be used while you're wearing all the right shoes and such to measure and mark consistent distances from the groun. She used this Dritz chalk hem marker in class and said it could be used by yourself, but I'm doubtful of my ability to do so and it seemed to required too much careful inching along and around to rope Dan into helping me with it. So this vintage hem marker tool from Singer seemed a lot more usable:

The method of placing the pins at the right height seems a little more foolproof on this one.

Standing at 5'2" since 8th grade, I do a lot of hand hemming on jeans, pants, and vintage cotton dresses (and send over to the tailor the knits, polyester, silk, and other slippery fabrics). For the most part, I just (try to) measure an equal distance from the bottom all the way around, iron, pin up, and hem by hand. The problem with this is that the dresses often end up being shorter than ideal in the back because how it falls over my rear end. On the denim skirt I need to finish, I dropped the back hem by about 0.5" which seems to have helped with that sufficiently.

However, I've also messed up the measuring/pinning before and ended up taking the dress to the tailor to get it fixed, because fixing the curve on a full circle skirt seemed to be just asking for more trouble to me. With a handmade dress, measuring up from the bottom will also demand more accuracy from the piece cutting out phase. We'll see how it goes, it's usually a bit easier when you need to chop off less than my usual 6" all around. I may get my sewing-inclined friends to help with the pinning, or I might just throw it the tailor if that's the last thing that needs to be done.

The final, tangible save-the-date postcards

2011-01-31T19:10:00.001-05:00

Ta da! After all those different designs, here's what we ended up going with.

It's a combination of my two favorites from the last round of designs, plus my remembering the Chinese double happiness character. The 618 in the corner is supposed to reference Scrabble tile numbers...not sure if that will be apparent to everyone, but I like it.

Here's what an order of 66 postcards looks like in real life:

I really like the rounded corners because of how they echo the rounded squares in the design, definitely worth the extra $1.

Yup, I'd ordered 50 postcards, but they sent us 66 instead. The extra 16 on the left, 50 on the right.

66 postcards take up less space than I thought it would, the whole thing came in one of those slightly larger UPS envelopes. I was very pleased with Overnight Prints overall, I think you could discern the slightly lower quality of digital printing if you stared at it a bit, but it's not immediately apparent, as Robin said. The paper was nice and thick and the surfaces were shiny and smooth. The order was guaranteed to be delivered by Friday but they made the first attempt on Thursday, so the shipping was pretty quick as well.

I did have to test out a couple pens to find one that wouldn't smear and ended up using my green space pen that I got a Christmas present from my college roommate Emily in '09 (love that thing). It took me about...2 hours? To address my half of the guest list, but this included calling my mom to harass her about getting a couple more relatives' address (still waiting on this) and to check which names were the right ones to use, as well as looking up Chinese characters online (the word for an uncle who's older than my dad is different than for an uncle that's younger than my dad, for instance) and practicing them a bit so they wouldn't look entirely like a kindergartener's scrawl. I also wrote quick personal messages on each of them.

Dan, on the other hand, took 30 minutes to fill in the addresses and note that people could invite a guest if they liked.

It balances out, though, because he took all the ones that needed to be mailed out (40) and got them stamped. The postage came to $11.20 (28 cents to mail a postcard, currently) so the whole save-the-date postcard endeavor came to just about $31. Thanks again to Amy for designing them and putting up with all my requests through the whole process!

Kate's Lazy Meadow suites and airstream trailers

2011-01-30T18:00:00.000-05:00

A couple weeks ago, Dan buckled down and started booking hotel nights for us with his Marriott rewards points, and I've started to bookmark blog posts that mention Seattle or Vancouver (like this one for Seattle by Nothing But Bonfire readers or this recent visit to Vancouver). Maybe if we wanted to do a weekend summer getaway next year, though, these suites/airstream trailers in the Catskills (an area northwest of NYC and southwest of Albany, evidently) sound awesome. Via the haystack needle, several months ago :P

Airstream trailer

Airstream trailer, interior

Cabins have funky and fun decorations.

I suppose they probably do a check in as you check out to make sure you haven't squirreled away any of the furniture.

Ribbon wands

2011-01-28T18:00:00.000-05:00

For a quick hit of pretty, these ribbon wands seem easy to make and a nice way to inject color into the ceremony setup:

Contenders for the ring

2011-01-25T18:00:00.000-05:00

In the category of things that I probably don't need to worry about for another couple months but I'm researching anyway because it's fun, my current frontrunner for my wedding band is this Mobius Loop ring from greenKarat:

(I'd get it without the diamonds)

As I've posted previously, I seem to like rings that are mostly unfussy but with some kind of twist that symbolizes something about marriage. This Mobius loop ring fits in well with that, with its one surface, and it's the first ring that I think fulfills both the "interesting enough to wear on its own" and "goes well with the engagement ring" (I haven't decided if I'll want to wear both after the wedding). I don't think I've posted a photo of my engagement ring before? It's also from greenKarat, with all lab-created sapphires (yup, even the white one in the center):

There's a funny part to our "engagement story" in that it took ages for greenKarat to make and ship the ring, and then when Dan went to pick it up, it was in a recycled cardboard box with recycled paper stuffing. He spent some time that afternoon running around trying to find a jewelry store that would sell him just a regular ring box, but was unsuccessful.

Here's another ring from Etsy that I'd favorited awhile back:

"I Promise, 14k Palladium White Gold Infinity Ring" from seababejewelry

I really appreciate when you can see the ring on an actual finger/hand, because here this makes me think it wouldn't go all that well with the engagement ring...it's not sturdy looking enough?

I've also been in contact with the folks at bario-neal, because I'd like to support an APW vendor whenever I can. They had a nice survey to fill out if you were interested in a custom design, and I sent them a link to my engagement ring and they suggested the following designs:

Stackable Diamond Band

I still like the Mobius loop ring better than these options, but the Milla Shoulder Band might work as Dan's band. He lost the engagement ring I got him, helped in part by the fact that its rough edges irritated his skin, so I think for his wedding band, we should stick to something simple and comfortable. I think it'd be nice to have it engraved or have some minimal design etched in it, to echo the loop, perhaps?

Incidentally, one of my favorite fashion bloggers put up a post recently about how she's changed her designated wedding band throughout the years, which isn't something I'd considered at all, but it's interesting.

We're so trendy we don't even know it.

2011-01-25T00:42:00.000-05:00

Did you know that last Sunday, January 23rd, was National Pie Day? Here are some theories as to its origins:

National Pie Day was created by the American Pie Council*. The American Pie Celebration began in 1986 to commemorate Crisco's 75th anniversary of "serving foods to families everywhere."

We have inquired to the American Pie Council to see if this is truly a "National" day, which requires an act of congress. Stay tuned for their response.

Charlie Papazian of the examiner.com also claims to have started this day in 1975. He says he selected this date because it is his birthdate.

I find it shocking that the people who were into pie enough to create a National Pie Day didn't insist on it be March 14th (3/14, like the digits of pi, 3.1415926...), but ok. Anyway, because it was National Pie Day recently, I got sent a couple different articles about how pies are the new wedding trend to replace cupcakes, like this NPR article: Cupcakes Are Dead. Long Live The Pie! I'm more of the "good food never goes out of style" school of thought, but it's cool to see that maybe our wedding will be frontrunners in this new trend. First and last time in our lives we'll be trendy, I'm sure.

*How awesome would it be to say that your job was to work for the American Pie Council?

Gorgeous (but tiny) vintage red party dress

2011-01-19T19:53:00.000-05:00

In the Sally Jane Vintage shop, currently listed at $66:

Isn't it beautiful? This is so close to what I have in mind: classic silhouette, mostly plain red but with some texture/subtle pattern, princess seams down the front bodice...the only thing is I probably want a deeper neckline and shorter sleeves for the hot summer weather, but I'd scoop up this dress if I could. However, I could only have fit into this dress if I were the size I was...in middle school, maybe. 24" waist, 32" bust. Damn you, beautiful tiny vintage dresses, always with the breaking my heart!

I have a long list of dress-related bits that I need to post, but no, I haven't gotten started on making the actual (or muslin for the) dress just yet. Soon!

The Music: We Get Two Requests

2011-01-17T10:42:00.007-05:00

As our four or five readers know, we selected BD Lenz as our wedding band. But what they may not know is that the band graciously allows us two request songs: we give them a month before the gig, and they'll learn two songs of our choice.

This was a difficult pair of choices, believe it or not. There were two separate things that had to be done:

Come up with the "wedding song"--must be romantic, preferably danceable/slow.
Come up with a second song, preferably one that will get people dancing.

Two separate challenges. Katherine and I had periodically talked about the wedding song for a couple of years prior to getting engaged; such is the advantage of the long relationship pre-engagement period. (If you recall, I am the guy who takes expectations seriously. Time does a good job in balancing expectations.)

So, here are some of the "wedding songs" that Katherine and I periodically discussed:

The Beatles - I Will
Celine Dion - Here, There, and Everywhere (cover of Beatles' song)
matchbox twenty - If You're Gone
Rob Thomas - Ever the Same
Bruce Springsteen - The Way

(The emergence of YouTube has made this sort of thing a far more enjoyable experience; instead of hoping that interested readers recognize the songs, I have, instead, been able to provide links.)

This one was actually a fairly straightforward decision: Katherine liked "Ever the Same" a lot. The subtext of the song, at least to me, is how effortless it feels. I honestly don't know what kind of a challenge it was to write, but the final product seems, to me, like it was very easy and natural. (I think back to F. Scott Fitzgerald, who was notoriously rough on his early drafts en route to the near-perfection of his final drafts, as possible evidence that Thomas really worked hard on the song.) I know that relationships (and marriages) take work, but I like the idea that at times, on autopilot, it can work really well.

Additionally, the song is very nice with Rob Thomas on an acoustic guitar. I think I even like the acoustic version better, and the fact that the song is so effective in these two very different styles implies, to me, that BD Lenz will be able to do good work with it.

The second song, though: this was the challenge.

As a New Jersey resident with misplaced pride in his own state, I felt that we had to have at least one Bruce Springsteen song in the program, and BD Lenz's catalog doesn't contain any Springsteen, as far as I know. I even broadened out my horizons to "songs that Springsteen used to cover in his 1970s-era shows," thinking that some of the early soul and Motown that Springsteen enjoyed so much would fit right in the wheelhouse of BD Lenz's style. (They played songs like "Signed, Sealed, Delivered, Oh Yeah," and a lot of Marvin Gaye when we last saw them.)

So, here's the list of songs I considered, including some suggestions from family/friends. I'll offer up some thoughts on each one.

Bruce Springsteen - Fire: This one had an early lead because of its appearance in Glee, Season 1. (Roller rink, Kristin Chenowith and the sad lead character, who has my respect b/c he's a Met fan in real life). It's a fairly... erotic song, though, more so than I was comfortable with at the wedding. Moreover, good versions of the song really require that driving rhythm piano in the background, but BD Lenz will not be bringing a keyboardist, as per the arrangement that we picked. (This piano thing is a common Boss theme.)
Bruce Springsteen - Paradise by the C: Awesome instrumental from the 1978 tour. I suspect that BD Lenz could do some excellent work with this song. A few problems, though: the prominent Hammond organ solo would have to be replaced by either an extra guitar solo or more sax work, which would detract from the nice contrast thing that this song has going. Plus we're paying for two vocalists.
Bruce Springsteen - From Small Things (Big Things One Day Come): This song is a lot of fun. Springsteen farmed this out to Dave Edmunds, a British rockabilly guy, way back in the 80s. It's very upbeat, and it's about as close as the Boss got to writing country music, which harkens back to my childhood a little bit. (This song is often covered by country artists.) Like a lot of country music, though, it's a bit sad. The early love song devolves into a pastiche of sarcasm and sadness. Note the lyrics: "Well, she shot him dead on a sunny Florida road. When they caught her all she said was 'she couldn't stand the way he drove.'" Springsteen sings the lyrics so exuberantly that you almost miss the message. But considering that I do all the driving, this one was out.
Bruce Springsteen - The Fever: Before there was "Fire," there was "The Fever," which is a song of pure desperation. We liked this one a lot, actually. It was stricken, though, because it's a little slow, and again, I don't really like the erotic undertones at the wedding. Desperation translates into music really well, but it's not quite what I'm looking for in this instance.
Bruce Springsteen - Rosalita: My sister suggested this one, and it's definitely a classic. My only issue with this is the sheer number of lyrics that it has; I feel like someone who isn't fully-schooled in Springsteen would probably struggle to handle the song. I also don't think it has quite enough room for improvisation/embellishment; for a 7-minute marathon, the structure is fairly tight.
Bruce Springsteen - So Young and in Love: A great, upbeat song. It's also one of few Springsteen songs that does not rely on a prominent piano, organ, or synthesizer. If I have any objections on this one for the wedding, the lyrics tend to be a tad unintelligible at times, particularly on the studio version, which uses a good bit of scat-type singing in place of lyrics. I thought it might be difficult for our vocalists to sing. This one, at least on my list, came in at second place.
Bruce Springsteen - If I Should Fall Behind: This one was proposed by one of Katherine's friends with a strong Springsteen background. (She's also not from NJ, so bonus points there.) From such a wise source, I considered her suggestion very carefully. It's a very beautiful song, but it's just a little slower than what I was looking for.
Bruce Springsteen - Mountain of Love (cover of Johnny Rivers): I probably would have picked this one if not for the prominence of the piano solo. Compare this to Rivers' version of the song, and you'll learn everything you need to know about Springsteen. I like Johnny Rivers, but Springsteen simply has much more energy and life than any comparable performer. (This show, for what it's worth, is what got NY Times' columnist David Brooks into Springsteen.)
Bruce Springsteen - Raise Your Hand (cover of Eddie Floyd): Strongly considered, but the critical call-and-answer component of the song might not work in a venue with 50-60 viewers, assuming half the guests aren't watching the band.
Bruce Springsteen - Give the Girl a Kiss: This isn't the greatest recording of the song; we've got all sorts of crowd noise (and people missing the lyrics, which I find humorous). And astute readers who have been following my convoluted logic so far will recognize the prominence of Danny Federici's organ solo. In this case, though, the organ solo doesn't seem essential to the flow of the song, and could be pretty easily replaced by a nice sax solo. The guitar solos, as well, lend themselves to extended improvisation/embellishment. In short, this is what I'm looking for: it's Springsteen, it's exuberant, it's upbeat, it doesn't end with the male being shot, and it's not dripping with desperation.

So, we're going to go with "Ever the Same" and "Give the Girl a Kiss." We still need to figure out the music for the ceremony (this is all reception stuff), but it's nice to keep checking off these theoretical boxes.

Pretend shopping is so much fun

2011-01-16T13:44:00.000-05:00

Look away if you're of the "registries are unseemly" school of thought, like Miss Manners. Dan leans more that way than I do ("it's presumptuous to register for wedding gifts"), but I am:

Practical
Picky
Pretty fond of making prioritized lists

I guess my position on registries is a bit like my position on signing a prenup agreement. I'm not registering us for stuff because I am expecting gifts (Miss Manners had quite a few sizzlers against people who treat weddings as a "time to pay up!"), just like I don't think prenups are about expecting to get divorced. It's just more like, well, if it happens, good to have a plan.

Incidentally, Dan and I had talked about going through the process of signing a prenup, but we decided against it because we're pretty open with each other about our finances already and the brief research we did into them suggested they are rather expensive given our lack of large assets--even the online DIY kind, since you have to get a lawyer involved at some point to make them legally binding. There is such a thing as postnup agreements, though, so if somehow one of us wins the lottery or comes into a huge inheritance from a stranger, we can always figure it out later.

Anyway, since we're the first among our peers to get hitched, we haven't gone to any weddings as adults responsible for considering and selecting a gift. I've heard enough complaints and horror stories secondhand about the costs associated with just being a guest to a wedding, though, so it's a big goal for us to minimize that as much as possible.

You should know that if you've been invited, it's because we would like you to be there. We're grateful for your having even just made the effort to get there, and I promise I won't care about what, if any, gift you bring, as long as you do the same for choices we've made that you may disagree with (i.e. no sit-down dinner, or whatever else). That was kind of the whole point of planning an affordable wedding, not a blowout fundraiser.

Plus, we've been living together for over a year now (!) and clearly anything we really need, we've already procured (though shoutouts are in order to my parents' basement and Dan's relatives for providing so much seed furniture and Bed Bath & Beyond goods to get us going).

If I were designing the whole system, I'd have an algorithm that takes into account considerably more than just a per person estimate (single, single+guest, family, etc.), which is my current understanding of how people usually figure out what to give. It'd be a sliding scale that would consider your travel costs, your current status in life (grad student vs. top executive at a company...though I don't think anyone we're inviting is a top executive, actually), how long you've known us, how close we are, and the thought you've put in. But as Dan often has to remind me, I can't make the world be more practical and logical in the way that I want it to be.

Well, hopefully that preamble's long enough to convince people that I really am being sincere (really, I am, I just think I have to talk a lot to convince people of that, especially when it comes to something that can be as fraught with unspoken resentment like gifts). Now, onto the actual registries themselves.

I decided to register us on Amazon and at Bed Bath & Beyond (hereafter referred to as BBB), instead of something like Wishpot. I didn't really look into other online registry systems very much and I just figured Amazon is convenient for everyone, especially with its universal registry feature. The universal registry allows you to add items from other websites to your Amazon list and it does this nice thing of pulling a photo from the page as well. People can then look at your Amazon list and mark off certain items as "reserved", meaning they'll purchase it from the other store or any place they can get a better price for it. This saves you from the trouble of creating registry accounts at a ton of other stores (I've been working on an audit of all my various online accounts, and good god I have so many! ugh).

Mama G had recommended also registering at a store that would be easy for people to get to in-person if they didn't want to buy stuff online, and Dan agreed (still with the "registries are presumptuous stance"). I'd considered Nordstrom because that's my favorite department store, but their home goods section online isn't very extensive and you can't manage a wedding registry there online either. Then I considered Macy's but I gave up quickly because I find their site too busy and annoying to look at.

After that, Dan suggested good ole BBB. Most of the kitchen things I'd added to the Amazon list (from my existing extensive and ranked personal Amazon wishlist for cooking stuff, ahem) were also available at BBB. BBB tends to be slightly more expensive, but people can use the 20% coupons (I try never to buy anything at BBB without a coupon of some kind, even if it's like $5) and that's the tradeoff for the convenience for people who don't want to buy stuff online, I guess. Also, I liked that while they asked me whether I wanted to be contacted by a "registry consultant," I could choose to just ignore that and do everything online. I'm not quite sure about the flatware and tableware I picked out--BBB's site has some reviews but not very many--but it should be fine since BBB has a forgiving return policy.

Still, Amazon's list has better features even outside of the universal registry thing, which I guess isn't too surprising. Amazon will let you group by category or by price range ($0-25, $25-$50, etc...they recommend getting in stuff mostly in the $50-$100 range, but evidently I'm a $0-$50 or ~$200 kind of shopper :P). You can also leave comments, so I've put in some comments for certain items on where else they might be purchased for cheaper

Best of all, you can set priorities of "Love to have," "Like to have," and "Nice to have." I've left most of them as just "Nice to have" (small kitchen gadgets, stuff from the Moma and CB2 stores) but the "Love to have" items for me are like a food processor, a West Elm carpet, a Roomba, and anything from Heath Ceramics. Once my mom gets back to me on her preferred brand of vacuum, that's definitely going on as a "Love to have" too because our current vacuum is terrible.

True story: Amazon was playing around with redesigning their personal wishlist design and took away the prioritization feature for a bit, and I sent them not just one, but two panicked emails asking for it to be reinstated because it messed with my rankings, and I got a response from them assuring me that they'd put it back, and thanks for my feedback. Like whoa.

Most of the other kitchen stuff I would really love to have (I know I'm not the only one who didn't grow up not dreaming much about my wedding day except for getting a brightly colored KitchenAid stand mixer) is on the BBB list, but ultimately everything is really just a nice to have anyway, like wine glasses. I'm still close enough to college only to be slightly ashamed by drinking (and serving) wine in mugs, but I haven't been able to justify buying any real glasses since Dan's allergic to sulfites and therefore I usually only buy wine when people come over, which isn't that often either. I picked out a couple of the stemless ones from the Riedel O series, the reviews seem to be pretty good.

I am pleased with myself for thinking of a vermicomposter to add to the Amazon list, though, as it's definitely in the category of "probably too expensive and unnecessary for me to purchase one myself, but would love to try it." Dan is not as pleased.

Putting together the registries was more fun than I had expected. I mean, shopping for yourself usually is pretty fun, this just exceeded my expectations still. I had been saving it for after I got some more actually necessary wedding planning done, but since the save-the-dates have been ordered and I've made a rough project timeline for the remaining 150+ days until the wedding, I let myself indulge and got quite into it last night.

For background: I have spent quite a few evenings adding to and arranging and rearranging to put on my various personal wishlists, just for the pleasure of organizing and researching reviews and having A Plan for what things I want to spend money on. I find it therapeutic even when I stop short of actually spending any money, so imagine the fun for a wedding registry when the likelihood of getting stuff is non-zero! I highly recommend it.

Well, this is probably enough indulging in materialism. If you need help figuring out what to put on your own registry, this is what I used:

stuff that I had on my personal lists from Alton Brown's recommendations
this build your own smitten kitchen guide (can't wait for her book to come out!)
Cook's Illustrated equipment reviews: I have been an online member for about 3 years now, mostly to get to their equipment reviews.
I looked at this Apartment Therapy post on Best Everyday China 2010, but didn't actually add anything from there
Souris Marriage's registry MVP list. Souris Marriage also had a couple guest posts from LPC of Privilege, whose blog I've just added to my Google Reader because I enjoyed these posts and her About page so much:

The native fun of registering for wedding presents can swiftly devolve into confusion, or even distress. This is largely because people are apt to Have Opinions. Which they will want to tell you...I can help with opinions like, "You MUST have formal china," or, "But dear, that is not the Done Thing," or, "Everyone always registers for crystal." Because High WASPs (my culture of origin) invented the Done Thing, and, although disappearing from earth in alarming numbers, we stand on our authority in the world of china, glass, and silver.
...
That said, I recommend you furnish the life you will lead. Rather than collect goods. Life is short. We have to eat, and over the years you will be putting a lot of food into your mouth. With any luck people you love will be eating with you. Maybe around a table, maybe at a kitchen counter. Buy plates for those moments. Imagine where those plates will be kept, where they will be used, how on earth they will get cleaned. Same goes for glasses, forks and knives, table mats.* Household good have lives. The lives you give them.

You are not registering for objects. You are registering for use. Not stuff, but the backdrop to memories you will look back on down the decades. I know. Time. Your family. The values you will work so hard to establish and pass down to children, if you have them. It happens while we eat.

I probably need to stop collecting invitation ideas soon

2011-01-15T12:14:00.000-05:00

Brilliant handkerchief invites by printing custom fabric with a square map design at Spoonflower and then cutting up the fabric to make handkerchiefs.

I've always really liked clean line drawings, like Danny Gregory's. Every so often I try to get into sketchbook journaling because I'd like to be able to document surroundings like this (Oh So Beautiful Paper)

Amazing laser cut gatefold, closed with a wax seal by Paisley Quill, via Oh So Beautiful Paper. I think this could be translated to a really cool design with red Chinese papercuts. Which I've totally posted about before, heh.

Simple but clever printable mailer template from Lisa Rupp for Gifted Magazine, pg. 129.

Envelope template from Melissa of IS•LY

Also not a specific design but something that may be useful: design*sponge's favorite fonts roundup.

Quick note on ordering custom postcards online

2011-01-12T22:57:00.000-05:00

I just ordered our save-the-date postcards from Overnight Prints to arrive by next Friday for just under $20. I went with them over VistaPrint because OP's interface is friendlier and gives you more space for your design on a 4x6" postcard. They have about equivalent review ratings. VP was a bit less hassle to figure out the cheapest price I could get 50-100 postcards printed with them, as they have just a free postcards offer going on, but their shipping is pretty outrageous.

OP, on the other hand, had quite a few different promo codes/links that I could enter in, which changed the final amount by a few dollars here and there. So, word of advice: mess around with the promo codes if you're going to buy from one of these online companies. Note down any that you see in the AdWords ads on Google search results too, because I could've sworn I saw one that said 100 free postcards, but then I couldn't find that code again.

I will report back with my thoughts on the quality of their printing (I chose the "value" digital press since we could get a run of just 50 instead of 100 that way) and the final final design once they arrive and get sent out.

More save-the-date designs

2011-01-10T15:05:00.000-05:00

No worries, you don't have to vote again, I just wanted to share these because I'm so impressed by Amy's work and want to showcase it. I also find it interesting to see the evolution of designs, but you should probably ignore this post if you're anywhere near being a bit like, "omg it doesn't matter, just make a decision already," though.

#7 & #8

Dan likes #2 best ("keep it simple") and I like #3-#8 all a lot, particularly the ones that get cleverer with the Scrabble tile thing, but there are minor pros/cons to each. I keep asking people around me for their opinion and it varies a lot, mostly depending on how important they think it is to have our engagement photo be in a prominent position.

Anyway, thank you, Amy, for all the help you've given me so far, as well postponing your plans for the summer until another year in order to be able to make it to our wedding (!). I feel so loved, especially after a visit this weekend from Emily who has enthusiastically volunteered to take up researching hotel blocks and potential post-reception destinations in Princeton, as well as organizing some kind of bachelorette party weekend (by which I mean, gather all my female friends into one place for a weekend prior to the weekend of the wedding so we can hang out and chat and craft while watching sci-fi, or something along those lines). Thank you.

Help me pick a save-the-date design

2010-12-28T22:37:00.004-05:00

Why hello there. Since the last post on this blog a month and a half ago, we:

booked an officiant (Celia Milton)
met with our day-of coordinator (Carina of Luxe Events--she's really lovely)
went to see our band (B.D. Lenz) at a "gastropub", which made us feel really good about our band choice again, and finalized the composition of said band: guitar, bass, drums, saxophone, male vocalist, female vocalist
scheduled a visit to the rental company (Brillman's Rental Barn) with our caterer for January

That last one I just did today and it's not like we've actually gone yet and had to actually pick out the colors of our linens and such. The idea of having to make those kinds of decisions fills me with a vague anxiety (what if the linens don't truly express the core color of our personalities?!????) but it's probably good to get it over with. Oh, I did also finish my dressmaking class at Sew Fast Sew Easy which is sooort of wedding-related, and I've bought a serger with some Christmas present money...those of kind of wedding task related too! Are too!

My next actual concrete goal is to get out save-the-dates in January, and after that, put together a project plan and timeline for craftiness to get done in the remaining...less than 6 months. Eek. Somehow now that the big decisions of booking vendors have mostly been made, I find myself dragging my feet on making decisions about all the smaller stuff that I'd been looking forward to as the fun part. I think it's because each decision closes off potential.

So, I need help figuring out the save-the-dates. My friend Amy very kindly put together some mocks for me, and I'd like you to vote/comment on them to help me decide what will be the least annoying when put on someone's fridge for 5 months:

In the postcards to be printed at Vistaprint category:

Option 1, by Amy (would have to be tweaked to fit in an address/stamp area somewhere)

Option 2, by Amy (would have to be tweaked to fit in an address/stamp area somewhere). Also Dan would want to remove the "OMG" bit.

Option 3, thrown together by me. The back would be your typical postcard split. Photo subject to change.

In the "other" category, these Polaroid postcards from Photojojo, the idea of which I'm kind of in love with:

which would look something like this, if I had the Scrabble photo printed up at CVS and round circle stickers made at Zazzle:

Option 4, by Amy (Option 5, the same thing but switch out Scrabble photo for something else)

We have about 40 households that we need to send these save-the-dates to, so with that as the estimate, getting postcards printed up at Vistaprint will have an end result of around $2.77/card, while the Polaroid postcards would be around $1.62. That doesn't seem like much of a difference but it amounts to around $50, with many fewer spares of the Polaroid postcards and much more assembly required. The difference is around $25 without the Zazzle circle stickers. And I don't know if I or the people receiving these will even like the Polaroid postcards more.

Ok, so, time to vote! Likely actual recipients should de-lurk and express their opinion as well. "I don't really care about having a photo of yours on my fridge for the next few months, no thanks" is fine to express too.

On Mismatched Expectations

2010-11-09T21:30:00.000-05:00

I am a firm believer in the importance of expectations. Take a simple example. Let's say you're a parent, and you are driving your child to get blood drawn for the first time. The child senses that something is going to happen but is not sure what. He asks, "Mommy/Daddy, what's 'getting blood drawn?'"

I see three courses of action here:

Downplay it: "Oh, it's nothing! It'll feel like a little pinch."
Exaggerate it: "It's going to feel like you left your arm on a hot stove for several minutes."
Level with the child: "It will sting a little and will feel a little strange for about a minute, but you'll be OK."

Now, I would bet that it's about an even split between parents who choose Option A and Option C, with a small minority of sadists and humourists selecting Option B. As someone who believes firmly in establishing expectations, I would skew towards C.

Why? Well, it's mainly a process of elimination choice. If I go with A, and my child is particularly sensitive to pain (something that is hard to gauge when dealing with someone else's nerve endings), the child will be (rightfully) annoyed with me for misleading them. If I go with B, the child will likely panic for the remainder of the drive; their relief when the blood is actually drawn (if the blood ever gets drawn) will be nice, but likely small satisfaction. A prolonged reliance on B-like strategies will also presumably cause psychological traumatization (from here).

B, on the other hand, offers fair expectations to the child. They will be nervous, and I may be forced to offer additional reassurance, but they now know what to expect.

People act on expectations all the time. If they expect that new flat screen TV to drop in price for the holidays, they may postpone their purchase for another month. If they expect to get a raise, they may start spending a bit more money in advance. If they expect to have to skip lunch, they may eat a larger breakfast, or may pack a Nutri-Grain bar for the road.

Like most things, weddings are about expectations. Everyone who heard that Katherine and I got engaged had some expectations about what the wedding will actually look like. Likewise, everyone who gets an invitation will, for at least a moment or two, create a picture--or, rather, a mental model--of how the wedding will look.

(This is another one of those principles for me. Back when I was in an educational psychology class, we talked a bit about mental models in learning. One of the jobs of a teacher is to help students draw accurate, understandable mental models of reality; the mental model of the solar system for a third grader will inevitably be less sophisticated than the mental model for an astronomer, but both models need to depict the abstract concept in a concrete way in order to be effective. I see the wedding the same way.)

Mismatched expectations lead to conflict, fights, divorce, miscommunication, wars, and all manners of other problems. Take weddings. If John likes to drink, and assumes that weddings will have alcohol, but sees no alcohol when he arrives, John will be angry. If, however, John has been informed in advance of the dryness of the wedding, John will adjust his expectations accordingly (or wisely send a small gift and skip the affair altogether).

I anticipate that the most controversial aspect of the wedding will be the choice of food. We have made two potentially-unpopular decisions:

We will not be serving a full meal; the menu calls for a variety of hors d'oeuvres and other light fare.
We will not be serving a traditional wedding cake, having decided that pies are better, and more interesting, than cake.

Thus, going forward, we have two places for potential disappointment or, worse, outward anger (particularly when combined with freely-available social lubricant). My goal here is to determine how best to enhance the mental models of our guests, and head off any potential problems before the wedding day.

I see a few different ways to do this:

Strategic leaking: We can leak to select potential (chatty) wedding guests that the menu will be mostly hors d'oeuvres, and that we are serving pies, rather than cake.
Publicly-available website: We can direct people on the invitations to this blog or our wedding website, which will have the full menu available to readers, well-wishers, and guests.
Invitation enclosures: We can include a copy of the menu in the wedding invitation.
Caveat emptor: We can do nothing, and conduct a small social experiment.

Option A gives me the enjoyment of categorizing our guests according to their interconnectedness (and loquaciousness), which might be perversely fun. Sadly, I think it is ultimately too difficult to verify that the information has been passed.

Going with only Option B requires a good bit of additional work from the guests. Most people will not visit a website that they receive on a piece of snail mail. People are busy, and have far more important things to worry about than our wedding. (As my mother would say, it's probably not in "their top two.") By the time they start thinking about the wedding, it is quite possible that the invitation was lost, or that the information was written elsewhere.

I personally am leaning towards Option C, likely in combination with B. It is the most direct and transparent way to circulate the information that I want to circulate. It also, I think, gives people a chance to look inside the process a bit, and to feel involved.

In another context, Option D could be fun. But I would like to get the marriage off on the right foot. There are thousands of potential flashpoints in this sort of social interaction; as the logistics guy here, my goal is to minimize them.

So, as of now, I am in favor of including the full menu along with our invitations, preferably on some sort of ceremonial stationery, along with posting it on the website. Katherine agrees, but we're still trying to figure out a way to word it and make it look classy. Any ideas?

Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding

2010-11-08T22:31:00.002-05:00

I'm running out of chances to renew this book again, so I wanted to try to get in the notes I wanted to take down about Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding. As Robin commented the last time I mentioned Miss Manners' book, as you're reading it, you do feel a little bit under attack as the bride. Fortunately, Miss Manners at least ends the book with a letter from a beleaguered bride listing the many occasions in which rudeness from guests comes up and then acknowledges that she's been a bit "snappish" after being overexposed to brides with the "After All It's MY Day" credo.

In general my attitude to these kinds of guides to etiquette is that it's at least good to know what other people might be expecting. I bought a copy of Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior after I behaved entirely gauchely towards a college roommate who was going through a rough time with the deaths of several relatives. Western culture etiquette has been something that I feel like I've needed to try to teach myself. [edit, in response to Lisa's comment] Regardless, I think generally if you honestly try to be considerate and thoughtful of others, that's the whole point of etiquette anyway, so it doesn't matter if you didn't follow an advice columnist's directives exactly.

The helpful thing to remember is that Miss Manners isn't trying to sell you anything here, unlike etiquette givers in wedding magazines might be. My favorite line in the whole book is, "the theme of a wedding is marriage." Also, I've always rather enjoyed Miss Manners' arch tone, but I can see how that's not for everyone. In conclusion, worth checking out from the library but probably not worth buying.

Miss Manners says:

[edit, forgot to include this part initially because I didn't have a post-it note marking it] Determining your guest list: when starting to plan a wedding, first sit down and figure out who your A+ list is (that clearly isn't Miss Manners' terminology, I just made that up), meaning who has to has to be there, for the couple in consultation with both sets of parents. I'll admit, we didn't really do the parental consultation part too much before deciding on our estimate of 100 guests and looking for venues to fit that number of people. Miss Manners shakes her finger at not including your parents just because you're paying for everything on your own, which, yeah, fair point. I hope Dan and I managed to strike a sufficient compromise, though.
Maid of honor (p124): you don't have to have a maid of honor, you can just have all bridesmaids. I have to say, I'm not entirely clear on what really distinguishes a maid of honor from bridesmaids, unless the position is basically saying, here is my very best friend of all the girls I've asked to be my bridesmaids. I think someone's told me at some point that the maid of honor serves as one of the witnesses when you do the legal bit, but I'm not sure if that has to be the case.
On dealing with people trying to invite themselves (p147): "Here is a phrase that every prospective bride and bridegroom and everyone in both families should memorize: 'Oh, dear, it's just going to be a small family wedding, with maybe a few old, intimate friends. You are so nice to take an interest.' ...Let us say that the word [small] is used out of modesty, rather than crowd estimation."
On the plus one issue (p152): for established couples, both members should be invited. The hosts can ask their unattached guests individually if there is anyone they would to bring, get the name, and issue another invitation in this person's name, so guests don't feel pressured to bring a date (I really want to make sure people don't feel pressured to bring a date simply for the sake of having a date). Miss Manners frowns upon just issuing an invitation "plus one," though this is what we're going to do for everyone over 18 (one of the points that Dan feels more strongly about). If you've been invited to a wedding as the guest of a guest, you should check to make sure you've really been invited with a note to the bride that's something like "____ has asked me to accompany him to your wedding. I would consider it a great honor to attend, but I would also understand if his enthusiasm has overrun any boundaries. In any case, I send you my very best wishes for your happiness."
Timing of invitations (p192): send out 4-6 weeks prior to the wedding date
On invitation design (p179): engraving is meant to imitate handwriting for making it more convenient to send out a greater number of formal invitations, so hand-printed invitations (calligraphy) are perfectly acceptable to getting professionally engraved invitations.
Invitation wording (p213): "a couple giving its own wedding modestly goes into the passive tense when issuing formal invitations," something like "The pleasure of your company is requested at the marriage of ____ to ____ on Saturday, the eighteenth of June at one thirty, Mountain Lakes House, Princeton and afterwards at a reception."
On reply cards in invitations (p185): unnecessary to include stamped response cards.
Thank you cards (p246): for gifts of money, write your thank you message referencing what you bought or plan to buy with that money, so that the "rest of your thanks can apply to that present, as if the giver had selected it."
Thank you card response time (p244): should be written and sent out as soon as the gift is received in order to acknowledge it. It's actually wedding presents that can be sent up to year into the marriage.
Miss Manners is against both registries and favors (p270 "Etiquette has never thought of weddings as comparable to children's birthday parties, where the guests might need consolation for not being the center of attention.")
No programs (p90): "the only excuse for a program is to give the order of the service, which is not necessary at a wedding." (Miss Manners is pretty strongly against all things that make the wedding a bit of a show, which I am down with)
Receiving line (p120, 261): charming and necessary for making sure you talk to all the guests at some point during the wedding. Guests are received at the beginning of the reception. The traditional order tries to mix the families of the bride and groom with bride's mother, groom's father, groom's mother, bride's father.
First dance (p272): the bridal couple opens the dancing, not gives "a private dance featuring their relatives." Halfway through the bridal couple's dance, the bride's father cuts in to dance with his daughter, the groom brings in his mother (can also be done with respective in-laws first), and then followed by the bridesmaids and groomsmen to encourage the rest o the guests to follow.
Toasts (p270): "At the wedding reception, the best man offers the first toast, and others may follow, including the bridegroom, to offer toasts to his bride and to her parents."
Tipping the bartender (p268): you don't tip the bartender at a private function
Reception timing (p261): the married couple should leave the reception before the guests.
Announcing your decision on changing or keeping your last name with an at home card (p216): either "Mr. and Mrs. James Scott will be at home after the Fourth of July" or "Ms. Heather McGee / Mr. Daniel Scott" with the adress in the bottom right o the card (my question is though, how do you actually send these at home cards out? Tucked into thank you cards?)

More on thank you notes from Souris Marriage:

However, you have to toe the line between deep appreciation and unmasked materialism. It's fine to be excited about your new Dutch Oven, for instance, but you should always be MORE excited that whoever gave it to you came to the wedding. Specifics are very important in both cases. Extra points for referencing some future event or experience unrelated to the thing you're thanking them for--this emphasizes lasting friendships rather than stuff.

APW Book Club: Elizabeth Gilbert’s Committed

2010-11-07T22:11:00.002-05:00

I read Elizabeth Gilbert's Committed: a Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage a few weeks ago, after Meg first posted about it as the selection for the next book club meeting. I'd enjoyed Dan Savage's The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage, and My Family but that APW book club meetup happened the same day as our engagement shoot so I missed the book club in favor of getting fake eyelashes, pretty much. I was rather skeptical of Elizabeth Gilbert and the whole Eat, Pray, Love thing, but realized that I was unfortunately pretty much playing into exactly what Meg was talking about in the "if women like it, it must be stupid" assumption. Very disappointing, and to make up for it, I decided to trust Meg and give it a shot.

And actually, I quite enjoyed it! And then went ahead and read Eat, Pray, Love afterwards, too. The thing that won me over was when I realized, sure, Gilbert can seem rather self-absorbed and privileged at times, but she is entirely self-aware of this and even makes fun of herself sometimes for it. And then I found myself just enjoying how she uses words and her sense of humor. Even though she and I have very little in common, there were still many passages when I felt myself nodding along.

I went to the NYC meetup tonight at Entwine and had a really lovely time with the five other women who came. Everyone had pretty different backgrounds and prior expectations when it came to marriage, but they all had insightful and interesting things to say. I think meeting people off the internet is one of the best ways to meet people, since it's generally related to some already stated shared interest and so when it happens, there isn't that painful awkwardness of trying to find some topic to discuss and you know when you do start talking about that shared interest, it's probably a self-selecting enough group that the conversation flows far more easily than it would at a party or happy hour or whatnot.

I figured while I still had the book around, I'd try jotting down my quick answers to the questions posed for the book club:

Gilbert talks about how pragmatic marriages caused alliances and saved kingdoms and ran farms. Now marriage is mostly touted as a very individual, or a ‘for the kids.’ Do you think there is something that marriages, generally or individually, can offer to the larger community? Economically? Socially? Emotionally? For our neighborhood, our nation, our friend group, our families, or another group? Discuss.

I think there marriages are a stabilizing force in societies. People like to know where other people stand, and while of course you'd never know what truly happens behinds closed doors, there's a strong enough cultural assumption of what a marriage means that to know that someone's partner is a "husband" as opposed to "boyfriend" can be rather comforting (boyfriend = on and off partner, just met 2 weeks ago, or have been living together for 10 years?). Marriages are certainly not the only stabilizing force, however, and in many instances the stability is not worth the costs paid in an unhappy marriage.

Has the evolution of men’s and women’s roles in our social network negatively or positively affected our marriages in the Western world? (see page 31)

I think the evolution of gender-based roles in our society may have only negatively affect marriages if you define a positive effect to consist solely of most people getting married, and married for life. I see what Gilbert's saying about the evolution towards the idea of your spouse being your end-all-be-all of your social network, instead of one part of a larger community as she says it is among the Hmong people, setting unrealistic expectations for many people, but I think she's mixing up two different things here. Not needing an entire community's mutual support to survive and being self-sufficient is different from taking up the idea of finding your soul mate.

Gilbert asks on page 185 “how might we work together as a society to construct a world where healthy children can be raised with out women having to scrape bare the walls of their own souls to do it?” Discuss.

Much like not demanding that your partner match your every need, I think we as a society need to not expect mothers to have all the answers and ultimate responsibility for children that are borne. I also think we definitely need to have greater acceptance of the concept of paternity leave and that stay-at-home dads shouldn't face social stigma.

Early in the book, Elizabeth Gilbert says that “every intimacy carries the ever-coiled makings of complete catastrophe.” Do you think that’s true of your relationship? Does it make you feel doomed, or hopeful?

Yes, I think that's true of all truly intimate relationships. When someone really loves you, and I mean you, not the facade of you, they know all your deepest secrets and fears and nastiness--and the wonder of it is, they love you anyway. I think you can't have real intimacy without exposing yourself and becoming vulnerable to this person you've decided to trust not to hurt you. And unfortunately, sometimes that part doesn't work out, but you can't let that possibility stop you from opening yourself up to hurt, because you'll miss out on love, too.

On page 35 Liz states “… the person whom you choose to marry is perhaps the single most vivid representation of your own personality. Your spouse becomes the most gleaming possible mirror through which your emotional individualism is reflected back to the world.” Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

DISAGREE. I mean, yes, who you choose to marry says a lot about the kind of person you are, but I utterly recoil from these kinds of absolute statements. I just reread that section and you should note that Gilbert is actually discussing her theory of how western cultures perceive marriage, and how especially for women, their marriage is "at the center of their own emotional biography." I agree with her characterization, and I also think that it's part of the culture of holding up marriage on such a lofty pedestal that contributes to a lot of disillusionment when people realize that "and happily ever after" doesn't exist magically.

How has/have your own parents’ marriage(s) influenced your view of marriage? Have you learned anything surprising about their marriage as an adult?

I'm skipping this, because I'm not comfortable discussing this in a public arena (generally when I think about what to blog, I imagine how I'd feel if the last person in the world I wanted to read it actually did read it, and then I decide), but I'll just say that I do think it's very important to examine the models that you may be unconsciously looking to, for both yourself and your partner, so that you can try to emulate or avoid aspects of these models consciously.

How did Gilbert’s list of demographics’ effect on marriage make you feel about the prospects of your own marriage?

I thought this part of the book was so funny. I was fond of her at this point, as someone who dove into books and research and general obsessiveness when trying to deal with a conundrum (my modus operandi when I feel like I don't know something is to go out and get a book on it...hence this rather long list now of wedding/marriage books I've read in the right sidebar). Anyway, you can't apply generalized statistics like that to yourself directly in that way at all. That's not how it works. It is interesting for the noting what may be your "risk factors" and try to plan for how to lessen their potential effect.

It's a bridesmaids party

2010-11-04T23:30:00.000-04:00

I've already written about definitely having my sister as a bridesmaid but about a month ago I decided to also ask Dan's three sisters to be bridesmaids. I'd been waffling on this for an even longer (I just checked and I wrote an email to Mama G about this very issue in...July. Yeah.) but I finally made up my mind to ask them because Dan's family has been extraordinarily gracious and welcoming and just so nice to me all along. Not a hint at all of any future-in-law drama or trying to impose their opinions or anything at all!

I think I'm very lucky because Dan's extended family really respects his judgment so I assume a lot of it is that they're confident that things would never get too crazy because Dan wouldn't stand for that, which is true. But, that alone isn't enough to explain the other nice things that have happened, like his aunt digging out a red dress with a full skirt that she wore to her graduation from her attic to give to me, just with the thought that it might be useful as I work on making my own red dress. This was the same aunt that took charge of pumping me for wedding planning info at the Easter family gathering this year because Dan had not been sufficiently forthcoming, and then all the (women in the) family reacted with exactly the kind of support that you'd want.

The main reasons I was hesitant for so long were that I didn't want them to feel like they had to be bridesmaids at their brother's wedding, I wanted them to be able to just be family and guests since that might be easier on them, and I also just assumed that more people involved = more potential for drama. With just my sister, I know that I would be able to boss her around and it'd be fine (isn't it fun how younger siblings always stay younger?) but I wasn't as sure about it with Dan's sisters. We've always been on friendly terms and I figured they've just seen me hanging around their house for so long that I just kind of fade into the scenery but we'd never really hung out outside of when I'm with Dan.

Plus, I kept asking Dan whether he thought they would care one way or another and he kept insisting it wouldn't really matter to them, that the only thing they would care about is that there's enough food that they can eat and that there isn't anything too weird at the wedding overall. Mama G said to definitely include them, it would be a really good bonding experience.

So, what did I end up doing? When Dan's older sister Cara and her boyfriend came over to our apartment in August for dinner, I cornered her and asked her to please, please be honest with me and tell me if they really wanted to be bridesmaids or if they really didn't want to be bridesmaids so I could make sure I didn't impose on them in either direction. Her answer really surprised me, something along the lines of, "whatever you want to do, we're totally cool with!" Is there anything sweeter to hear when you're trying to make everyone happy?

And then, when I asked his two younger sisters, Katie and Emmy, to accompany me to the mall to get my makeup done before the fauxgagement shoot, they were so sweet and complimentary and supportive the whole time that I was like, this is awesome! Having these girls around me on the day of the wedding would be great!

So after checking with my sister that she was ok with the bridal party getting quadrupled (she was totally fine with it, of course, and I wonder how much was due to this meaning an automatic promotion for her from the one bridesmaid to maid of honor instead, haha), I kept trying to get them all in one place to ask them in person but it kept not working out. I ended up just sending them a group email that included the following:

All that you need to do to be my bridesmaids is: 1, not roll your eyes if I'm going on for too long about the wedding plans (check), 2, accompany me on wedding errands if you're free and I'd like some company (check), and 3, stand up with me when we say our vows (TBD).

There is no: bridal shower or bachelorette party planning (Miss Manners says bridal showers can't be given by family anyway), no required matching dresses, and no other tasks other than the ones outlined above. You can wear whatever you want, really. Something cute and comfortable, which I imagine you were planning on doing already anyway.

If you don't want to be involved either, that's totally fine as well. No reason needed.

And they all responded with excitement and their mom was thrilled as well. TOLD YOU DAN, that girls really do care about being bridesmaids. TOLD YOU. He admits now that when he said they wouldn't care, what he really meant was that he didn't care.

Last week, we all got together to go bridesmaids dress shopping, including his mom and grandma who'd been driven down by his aunt especially for this dress shopping event. I brought over my sister's dress for them to check out the color and try it on for size, as Katie came up with the great idea of potentially getting summer dresses in different styles from J.Crew but in the same color. We still went to the mall just to see what was out there (answer: nothing appropriate for summer weddings anymore) and go to the J.Crew store there to try on what dresses they might have for size. They only had sack-like dresses in the store, so that was disappointing, but we got an approximate idea (I asked if I could use their names in my blog and they said that was fine but I didn't ask about sharing sizes, so suffice it to say: they are tiny).

After all the mall-ing, Dan's mom treated us to lunch at a local diner where the food was pretty good but the room smelled of spray paint fumes and the service was atrocious. We had a good time making fun of how much our waitress obviously didn't care about her job at all. When we wanted to get the check, Dan's mom had to wave back and forth for some time, like she was trying to hail a cab or something, until a manager noticed her and brought it to our waitress' attention. I put it all into the "so bad it's funny" category, though of couse that may have just been my impaired judgment after brain cells were killed dead by the paint fumes.

When we got back to their house, we browsed through the entire J.Crew website looking for what was available in that "fresh mint" color that's like a light green-y Tiffany blue and it ended up that the only style that was still available in all their sizes was this cotton cady Madeleine dress that Katie had been eyeing from the start.

The plan is for all the girls, including my sister, to find red accessories that'll inject their own personal style onto these dresses as canvases.

At the start of the day, when they were asking me what my vision was and what I wanted for bridesmaids dresses, I told them that this was what I wanted:

That they would under no circumstances agree to a dress that they didn't like the style or felt was unflattering on them, just because I said I liked it.
That they would solemnly swear to wear these dresses again.

I thought about having them put their right hand across their heart and repeat after me, but then I decided that was going into the creating my own cult territory.

But here's the best part of the story: we got these dresses for $40 each. $40! Where the original price on this style was $195! And we found a code for free shipping! They were final sale, so they can't be returned, but they just got delivered today and seem to fit just a little big but nothing that a tailor can't tackle. I figure, though, I've had dresses I've bought for more than $40 that I only wore once and so even if KWu's two rules for bridesmaids dresses are broken, at least it didn't cost them too much. I am so far winning at my own "being a cool bride" contest.

We won a day-of coordination giveaway!

2010-11-04T10:41:00.000-04:00

No burying of the lead here, no sirree. One of our potential officiants sent over a newsletter from one of her colleagues, Carina of Luxe Events, who had her birthday earlier in October and wanted to celebrate by holding a giveaway for free day-of coordination service by herself! I thought about it for awhile but then got busy with life. Luckily, I managed to put together an entry just a couple hours before the midnight deadline.

And we won! This is so cool!!! Here's part of what I wrote in my entry:

I entered a few wedding-related giveaways in the beginning when I was looking at various wedding blogs and such, but stopped after awhile when I realized that many of what they were giving away wasn't entirely what I was looking for anyway. This giveaway, though, would be really appreciated by us because our current day-of coordinator is actually a dear friend of mine, the mother of a friend from work whom we affectionately call "Mama G" (her last name begins with G). She's supported me throughout the whole planning process as an impartial, sane voice I can always turn to who I know always wants the best for me. She even sent me an engagement present of the Martha Stewart Weddings book and has spent time talking about my wedding when she's visiting her daughter in NYC.

If we were able to have the help of a professional coordinator, then Mama G would be able to organize and plan the parts that she really enjoys without having to deal with anything that she's not as interested in, which would be a great gift for me to be able to give her in gratitude for all that she's already helped me with.

I think Carina and I are going to get along really well. She has a background in organizational psychology and describes her strengths as an organizational nature--nature, mind you, not just skills, which is how I feel about my own personality as well--and her attention to detail. One of the stories I like to tell people when asked to describe myself is that when I tell colleagues that I used to be an editor on a research journal in college and did a lot of copyediting for them as a result, they invariably go, "Ohhhhhhh...yeah that explains a lot/makes a lot of sense."

Carina's sending us her contract in the mail, but basically our part to the giveaway will involve writing a testimonial for her and giving our consent for her to use the photos by Kelly within the stipulations that Kelly sets out. From what I found on her website, Carina's been running her wedding planning/coordination business since 2009 and has some great testimonials already but no reviews on Wedding Wire yet (I've decided that of the many, many vendor review sites out there, I like Wedding Wire best because they have a pretty easy-to-use design and most of the vendors I've researched for our NJ wedding have had a good amount of information on there). We'll get that fixed up.

Hooray for putting ourselves out there and getting offers of help from the universe in return!

Tentative schedule

2010-10-22T09:00:00.004-04:00

I've had this sitting in a draft for awhile because pinning down a timeline seems to have something...final about it, like I'm closing off options to optimize the whole day even more. I'd like people's feedback on whether this seems like it might work, though:

9-12: morning setup, flowers (makeup/hair?)
12-12:30: lunch
12:30-1:30: caterer sets up, immediate family arrives for the posed family group shots
1:30: ask guests to start arriving by then, drinks are available (lemonade, iced tea, hot tea, coffee, alcohols)
2-2:30 ceremony (probably shorter than 30 minutes though)
2:30 onwards: guests enjoy food, drinks, dancing, games...
2:30-2:40: Dan and I hang out in the sitting room to take a moment and savor being newlyweds on our own
2:40-2:50: photographer comes in to take a few photos of us
2:50: we make our 'entrance' (we'll probably just walk in and join the crowd, I don't think I want a formal announcement here or anything)
Reception until 6:30, Dan and I will head out to have a private dinner. We need to figure out transportation so that Dan can drink as his own wedding.
I'll probably take a nap back at our apartment.
If I feel up to it, we may head into Manhattan for an after party/bar-hopping of sorts with all the young folk who are in town.

The whole thing with the timing is balancing it so that people don't need to rush over after lunch and so that it goes on long enough so I don't feel like we spent so much time planning for something that passes in the blink of an eye, but then also ends early enough that people can get home or go out to dinner (but, sustained by the finger food at the reception, not need to get dinner immediately).

I've also toyed with the idea of a welcome picnic of sorts on Friday evening (though most people probably wouldn't arrive in time unless they take time off from work, and I don't want to make people do that), and then some kind of group brunch on Sunday, because there are a lot of people who will be around that I don't get to see very often that I want to spend more time with, but it seems unlikely that that would happen without planning ahead and planning just the one day is already a bit of a project (potentially helpful link: 2000 Dollar Budget Wedding on pay-your-own-way events beyond the wedding day itself). Also, I know that even the wedding itself will tire me out quite a bit and I'll need some time to recharge, so I probably shouldn't be too ambitious with the amount of social activities planned in here.

Princeton Township officiant info

2010-10-20T22:47:00.015-04:00

Figuring out the officiant situation has been on my list of next big things to do in wedding planning for awhile now, but I finally got to it last week. I'm recording what I found there just for posterity's sake, since I don't think we'll end up going with this government official route after all.

I talked to Linda McDermott, the Princeton Township clerk (the Mountain Lakes House is in Princeton Township, which surrounds the smaller Princeton Borough--that's basically the downtown area of Princeton, as far as I can tell), and she sent over this document about what the deal is with getting married by the mayor of Princeton. I admired that she was very straightforward with me, though she said this information was available on their website and I couldn't find it, so I've uploaded it into my Google Docs if other people are interested in taking a look. I also thought it was rather funny that she caveated all her statements with the fact that there may be a new mayor of Princeton by the time our wedding rolls around. I couldn't quite judge what her feelings on this potential state of affairs was.

Anyway, basically, New Jersey doesn't have justices of the peace, and if you don't want to be married by a religious figure, your options in terms of government figures are the mayor of any town or municipal judges. The current mayor of Princeton evidently will do weddings on weekends, but doesn't like to book civil ceremonies more than 2 weeks in advance. These ceremonies generally just follow the standard format outline in the document she sent over and don't last more than 10 minutes. Most mayors will also only marry residents of their township, which makes sense to me but isn't particularly helpful in our situation.

The Princeton municipal court judge is Judge Goldman, who also requires that the couple be Princeton Township residents. She only performs weddings on Tuesdays or Mondays (her court day), but there isn't a fee on top of the marriage license ($28 in NJ, I think) so that's basically like a city hall/courthouse wedding.

Marriage licenses are issued by the Department of Health (609 497 7608 for Princeton Township).

So basically, what Dan and I concluded is that since we don't have any connections through family or friends to local judges or mayors, we'll probably end up going with the hiring a celebrant method instead. We'd thrown around the idea of having a friend do one of those being ordained for a day thing, but decided that we wanted someone who pretty much knows us equally well, rather than trying to do something of one friend from each side and then also be able to have someone a bit older, rather than a peer. We're in the midst of talking to a few different officiants, and I'll report back when a decision has been made on that front as well. Choosing an officiant is pretty much the last Big Decision, I think.

Qualities of an ideal vendor

2010-10-18T09:00:00.067-04:00

As far as dealing with unpleasant vendors has gone, I think I've been pretty fortunate in that the worst case has been a potential caterer saying, "...really. Are you sure about that? Really?" when I told him about our light finger foods afternoon wedding plan and then he never even bothered getting back to me with a quote. Other people have been really lovely, like Cheryl from Ana Beall's Tea Room, even if we didn't end up going with them.

I was slightly frustrated in contacting another potential vendor lately. I think it's mostly because he's rather new to catering weddings in general, but he just wouldn't give me a straight answer in terms of estimating the cost, which is just so irritating. So with that in mind, here's what I look for when judging potential vendors:

Have a website with current contact information, with email address for initial inquiry. As Becca recently wrote, there's something about needing to call someone to get a vital piece of information that makes the task seem really difficult. Welcome to a generation of people who would do everything over the internet if they could, I suppose. I'm slightly wary of how well I'd mesh with a vendor that isn't online.
Respond quickly (a couple business days or so) to inquiries. Some people have gotten back to me within 60 minutes, but some dig up my email from their spam filter after we've already decided to go with someone else. Some people (as mentioned above) never even got back to me when they said they would.
Being upfront about your range of rates, if not the exact package costs, results in lots of extra bonus points. Even if not on your website directly, at least when directly asked over email. It just boggles my mind why any business person would insist on meeting in person first and wasting everyone's time if it's never going to happen within our budget. I know some people are great salespeople but I don't want to be sold something I can't afford and it frustrates me when some vendors try to corner you into that position.
Avoid using the word 'invest' to put an overly positive spin on cost. In my research I came across a lot of photographers in particular who would do this and it just kind of irritates me.
More bonus points for actively seeking feedback. LeahAndMark.com actually sent out this survey to the clients that did not hire them to find out more about why that was the case, which I thought was really quite admirable.
If they advertise on A Practical Wedding, that's also many additional bonus points. This is one of the best examples of targeted advertising around, in my opinion. The audience of APW does want to find these kinds of practical-minded, budget-friendly, non-WIC vendors, and Meg, bless her, helps us find them. I bet a lot of WIC-type vendors do reach out to her but she knows to turn them away, I'm sure.

Indochino's custom-made suits

2010-10-16T09:47:00.001-04:00

In my ongoing efforts to teach Dan about style and clothes (see: talking him into getting an existing suit tailored for our engagement photos, talking him into buying a $25 Groupon to Gap and then picking out the blue western-style shirt we also used in the fauxgagement photos and mending the back of his jeans as well), I've been trying to find accessible men's style blogs for both him and me to subscribe to. Two of these are Honor Thy Tailor and The Effortless Gent, the latter of which just shared a code for $100 off any suit from Indochino with a base price of more than $349 (promotion only until 10/23).

I'd read about Indochina before at Primer Magazine, where they'd had a different promotion around August for 10% off and a free dress shirt and free shipping (I was planning on trying that code since there doesn't seem to be an expiration listed on that post, but it's probably no longer valid). Basically, their deal is that they teach you how to take a guy's measurements properly with different videos and then sends the suit to be made in China (with good labor practices to their employees), meaning you can get a bespoke suit (bespoke means made-to-order; I just looked it up) for less than $500. They'll even cover you for up to $75 in additional tailoring that might be needed, or if it's just not doable, you can get a refund on the whole suit.

I think that this is kind of a brilliant business model, using the power of the internet and globalizaton to bring products to customers who wouldn't otherwise have access at all, and I like to support smart businesses who know how to use the internet when I can. I've had this idea for awhile that if I ever run a start-up, it would be to build a body scanning system where you would have these traveling booths where people could step in with undergarments on and have their body scanned from head-to-toe in their usual posture.

Then, armed with a digital model of their body, they could shop online and test out how different clothes would look on them. There'd be some cost for the scan itself to start with, but then the real revenue would come from getting different online retailers subscribed to the system overall to accept these customers' measurements and setting up a shopping system where you can then recommend different styles that suit someone's body type or also purchased by other people with similar measurements. The problem of not really knowing whether something will look good on you is something that I really believe technology could go a long way towards solving, because so much of it is just math and physics, in my opinion.

Anyway, I think we might go for a suit for Dan with this latest promotion. Second after registering for a KitchenAid mixer has always been getting a really nice suit for Dan as something I've looked forward to about getting married. His fit issues are that he was extremely thin for his height, with pretty broad shoulders relative to his waist and long limbs. When I dragged him to Uniqlo to buy shirts because I'd heard they might have styles that suit him better, given that his is also somewhat the body type of your average hipster dude (except that Dan's probably taller), Dan tried on a pair of jeans that were the right length, and for the first time in his life, did not need to be worn with a belt to stay on his waist. It's hard to emphasize how revolutionary that was.

Your opinions are needed. I think of the suit styles available, I like either this light gray 3-piece suit (Roger Sterling what what):

Dan could take the jacket off after the ceremony and just wear the vest.

Or, this khaki ("La Habana") suit:

Normally I really don't like khaki, mostly because how gross enormous baggy khakis are considered dressier and more acceptable than a nice pair of jeans, but this suit makes me reconsider. And they write in their description that it's a good summer wedding suit, and since it's cotton, it should be less overheating, hopefully. However, I'm concerned about its long-term usefulness for Dan wearing to work since it's made of cotton instead of wool (or wool blend or all synthetic, as I think Dan's other suits are).

What do you guys think? Feel free to put your vote in for an entirely different option, though I will probably veto anything shiny.

Body image issues

2010-10-12T23:38:00.001-04:00

Thank you, everyone, for your very kind comments on the engagement photos! I love getting comments in general but those were particularly sweet, I think.

Before I get into writing a bit more about how I was feeling bad about my body last week, I did just want to first share that I ran my first (but definitely not last) 5K this past Saturday! It was the Hoboken University Medical Center 5K and my friend Amy and I signed up way back at the beginning of August. We had bibs number 11 and 12, we were that early.

What's funny to me now is that back then, it was a pretty substantial goal to set for myself, signing up for this 5K. Amy told me about how she'd run her first 5K not too long ago and how it was a lot of fun to be part of the large group of people all cheering each other on, and I wanted to get in on that too but wasn't entirely confident in my ability to get there. Thank you, Amy, for inspiring me. I was chugging along on the Couch-to-5K program but my strategy was to run slowly enough that I always felt comfortable, and at that pace I wouldn't reach 5K in 30 minutes.

And yet, when I ran a practice 5K on my own the previous weekend, and then on the actual day of, it wasn't too much of a physical hardship. With Amy's encouragement and the cheering of the NJIT student that got roped into volunteering, I went faster than I'd ever had before, finishing in about 40 minutes (around a 13 minute mile...or a 8 minute kilometer, I suppose!). It was a beautiful day, just perfect weather. Sunny, but not hot until we'd be running for awhile. Clear, crisp air. And, my mom drove all the way up to spectate and was pretty great during the event and right afterwards in treating it like the accomplishment it was for me.

I'm going to hang up the French memo board by my sewing machine soon, mainly for the purpose of sticking inspiration images on it, but in addition to those and the color wheel, I'm also going to put up my Number 11 bib from this 5K. Back in middle school, I worked for 2 years to train and get onto our high school's tennis team and when I succeeded in doing so and then later on achieve a starting singles position, that was a big deal for me. I am not an athlete, not at all, but I can set physical goals and achieve them nonetheless.

I needed to be reminded of that, as well as learn that physical exercise doesn't always have to be a total chore, thanks to the strategy of going slow, free podcasts with engaging content (particularly The Moth), and being consistent about getting myself out there by telling myself that I would feel better afterwards, which helped create a positive cycle of feeling good about what I'd accomplished and seeking to feel that positive feeling again.

So yeah, that was pretty cool! The thing that rather marred the rest of the day was that my mom kept commenting on how I should exercise further and really lose the weight I put on since I stopped playing tennis in high school. She means well, and it comes from a place of love (my family and I generally subscribe to the "we wouldn't bother with you if we didn't care" philosophy of relationships), but it's grating nonetheless and it's another one of those things that I can only help make better by trying to adjust my attitude to it.

But it's hard, and I do very much crave my parents' good opinion. They're smart people, and right about a lot of things, and they do have my best interests at heart. I just wish that I were stronger in letting comments about my weight roll of my back, you know?

I was talking to Dan about how I was upset afterwards and coincidentally reading from articles about how activity level is much more closely correlated with health than thinness, etc. (like this one, for a good primer), and he reminded me that such an argument is not very convincing to a person like my mom when coming from me because it would just sound like rationalization. He set forth my options as either telling her about these kinds of articles, which wouldn't be effective, or exercising more myself and losing weight and then telling her, so that I don't sound like I'm just looking for justifications for my own current behavior, but I told him that I didn't want either and instead, what I wanted this:

To feel good about my body and its level of fitness
To not be so easily affected by others' judgments that I can't change.

Seems like both not too much to ask and a pretty big mountain to climb, at the same time.

Once I got that out, I felt a lot better about life in general and mostly ended the funk I went into after I first saw the engagement photos. I looked at them quickly between meetings while I was at work and on the first viewing, all I could think of was, oh god, I look fat! Am I Fat? Well I look fat! Oh god I can't believe that's all I can think of right now! And...I'm actually feeling bad about myself now! What the hell, self?! What good are all those positive body image blogs you've been reading for now, if you're just going to let stupid stuff like this get to you?!

And so on, and so forth. And I was being so good about sticking to my 'if you're exactly the same shape and weight at the end of the C25K program it's totally ok, it's just about your cardiovascular health!' attitude, for the most part.

As a result, Robin's post on Diet Creep was pretty perfectly timed for the mood that I was in:

I hate our culture’s fear/hatred of fat and its mandate to be perpetually dissatisfied with our bodies to begin with. And body negativity is yet another thing I find generally objectionable that is magnified by a factor of UGH in the context of weddings.

And I hate that it is GETTING TO ME. Me! A believer in fat acceptance!

...

And that kind of thinking has got to stop. I can’t let my self-worth rest on how I look or how much I weigh. I shouldn’t hold myself to standards that I find abhorrent when applied to other women. It’s hypocritical, disingenuous, and lame.

And it’s a miserable way to live life, and I’m not looking for new ways to feel bad. I don’t want to think about fitting into a dress when I exercise; I want to think about being stronger and more flexible and not getting winded when I run to catch a bus. I don’t want to eat more veggies to save on calories; I want to eat more veggies to get more vitamins. Eff that, I want to eat more veggies because veggies are yummy. And then I want some ice cream. And beer. Possibly in the same mug.

And I don’t want to see women buying dresses that don’t fit in hopes of forcing weight loss. I don’t want there to be hours of cable television programming devoted to shaming women for having visible back fat when wearing a strapless gown. I don’t want people to refuse to let me take their photograph. I don’t want people to feel bad about themselves every time they step on a scale or try to buy new jeans or look in a mirror. I don’t want people to tell me that I need to eat a sandwich, or that I need to drop my fucking sandwich, or that I need to do anything with sandwiches!

This war has to start at home.

YES. And yes.

Throughout the rest of the week, it also definitely helped that positive comments from my friends started coming in, unbidden by me.

"Oh, KWu, I LOVE the slideshow. LOVE it. You look stunning" - Lindsay

"KWu, your engagement/wedding pics with Dan are absolutely gorgeous! I love the ones with you in a blue dress, you look so pretty." - Emily

"Girlie, you look absolutely wonderful in your engagement photos. You are a beautiful girl." - Amy

Because it helped remind me to dig my head out of the warped self-image hole it was in, and it also reminded me of how it breaks my heart when my girl friends get down on themselves or avoid photographs, and when my sister gets frustrated with shopping because she can't find any clothes that fit but she talks about it as though it's her fault for having a 'weird' body shape and not the fact that it's just hard to find clothes that fit right in general. Her, the athlete! Really, it makes me so sad, and also rather angry that so many women everywhere struggle with this for all their lives.

And I'm really pleased to say, now that I look at our engagement photos over and over again, I'm able to see past my so-called 'flaws' and see how we look happy, how the composition and light and lines are so crisp and clear thanks to Kelly's skill, and how we're very lucky to be where we are.

Ok, just a few more quick hits before I go to bed:

Via Sally at Already Pretty, a really great, positive fashion and body image blog, this article about Body Image & The Diet Mentality: Letting Go of Shame:

“The truth is we live in a shame-based culture that says that if your body differs from the coveted thin physique, something is intrinsically wrong with you and in need of fixing.” They also write, “You feel ashamed that you have not changed your body in the way you feel you must in order to be happy and successful.”

But the thing about shame is that it stomps on your body image, on self-care and on your health and well-being. It squashes your spirit. And, most important of all, you deserve better.

Also recommended: Sally on "What is flattering?" and "There is no one way to look great" (basically, you do not have to only go for 'thin, tall, hourglass' which took this post from Sara at Orchids in Buttonholes to jolt me into realizing I bought into that one ideal without questioning)

And lastly, this post from Eat the Damn Cake on the damaging effects of talking about "tweaking":

Everyone could always stand to look a little better. Even Angelina Jolie doesn’t like her cheeks sometimes. Or her thighs. Which, the magazines tell us emphatically, is endearing. It makes her a little more human. Because we’re all like that. We all know we really could stand to look a little better. Even when we don’t actively hate the way we look. Even when we’re having a good day. I’ve seen it so many times. I’ve done it so many more times. And because it’s so ubiquitous, I don’t have to think about what it is, or what it means. Or if I think about it, I can just say, “Human nature! We’re all striving to be better. That’s why we built the pyramids! Or, um, had a bunch of slaves build them…That’s why we enslaved those people in the first place! That’s why there’s civilization! Because we’re always tweaking. Always improving.”

…

But it doesn’t matter. We want to tweak. We see the details, not the whole. We sometimes admit that we look pretty good from a reasonable distance. And then, upon coming closer, all is revealed! All of the problems are right there, literally, on the surface.

It’s disrespectful, really. What are our poor faces and bodies supposed to do? They don’t change easily, or at all, except to keep aging. Or without a lot of painful surgery. They aren’t doing anything wrong. They’re functioning—allowing us to communicate, move around, have sex, look surprised, smile, mime, dance, whatever. And we can’t stop criticizing them.

We need to recognize tweaking for what it is: a vicious, insidious, constant attack. It doesn’t sound vicious, because it’s directed at little things. You aren’t saying, “I’m hideous!” You’re saying, “I’d be a little bit more attractive if…” It’s deceptive. It’s like a parent telling their child, “You’ll never be quite as smart as your brother, but if you get a little better at math, maybe you have a shot.”

...

So the next time you find yourself in front of a mirror, and you automatically begin the familiar list in your head, “If only your chin was a little less pronounced…” Maybe you should stop. Maybe you should un-roast instead. Maybe you should pick a tiny detail that is really cool, special, weird in a good way, or just interesting. Maybe you should pick the same detail, and figure out what makes it interesting. Maybe you should remember a person who remarked on that exact feature, except to say, “I love your chin! It’s so distinctive. That is a chin so proud and noble and brave that it could’ve inspired civilization. It could’ve, you know, motivated the building of the pyramids.”

I'll go first.

Un-Roast: I have great hair. It's shiny, thick, and with a good haircut, I can always just air-dry and go. Even when I smush it under a bike helmet while it's still wet, it retaliates with a cute flippy effect that I couldn't achieve on purpose if I tried.

Oh and you should also check out Becca's "I F*cking Rule" series of posts.

[edit] And APW for the win, as always: "On Owning Inspiration"

So, my challenge to us today is to think about the ways we take what should inspire us, and turn it into something we can’t hope to aspire to… because it’s so much less scary that way. What do we tune out as ‘not an option for me’? Is it a stylish wedding dress (notice I didn’t say an expensive wedding dress)? Is it a stylish wardrobe? Is it attacking items on our life list? Is it trying for a great job? Living in a great city? Doing something a little more ambitious with your personal blog? Writing more? Having a braver marriage? What is it? Because my hunch is, the things we tell ourselves can’t be done are the things we most need to give ourselves permission to do. Because why not us? Why not now? Really. Why not?

Engagement photos!!

2010-10-10T21:05:00.003-04:00

Thank you everyone who commented and clamored for the engagement photos in the last post. I'm really touched that people I know only through the internet caring. I've delayed on this a bit because I had some emotions to work through, which I decided to just put into another post about body image and self-esteem entirely. So here are my top picks, with a slideshow of the full set available here.

We started out in our 'formal' outfits, which for me was a mod acid yellow and gray 60s shift from Empire Vintage Clothing and for Dan was his light gray suit that I talked him into getting tailored. Man, the amount of excess fabric they took out!

This is the Hoboken train terminal waiting room, which is gorgeous and looks a bit like Grand Central Station but with fewer people. Sadly an NJTransit cop shooed us away pretty quickly (Kelly was awesomely quick on her feet and told the guy she was Dan's sister) because apparently you need a permit? But I searched and searched afterwards and didn't find anything on their website about applying for one, so in my mind that means it can't be true. I'm still a little peeved that we missed out on the grand shots of the big staircase, but you get a bit of the idea from here.

Kelly was so great about constantly directing us to move closer to each other and to show some affection, just like Amy had told us we should try to do more of.

Mmm vintage-y post-processing effect.

Fie on ugly but necessary signs marring the frame.

I like this one a lot because because I think I look like I feel a bit sassy here. Hellz yeah bright blue dress that's also from Empire Vintage Clothing. Can you guess what that is behind us?

It's the outside of a parking garage in Hoboken! We were walking from the train station to the park at 4th and Hudson and chatting as we went along and then Kelly stops in the middle of a sentence and just says something along the lines of, "Oh my god what is that I love it we are going there to take photos now." Ok!

There was a guy sitting on a bench towards that right that kept telling Kelly she was doing it wrong because the sun was behind us. She showed admirable restraint there, I think.

This is the same park, we just ducked into a small clump of trees and Kelly managed to make it seem like we were in a forest, which was one of the settings that I wanted all along but thought we couldn't make it work with the urban thing together.

Joint effort from Dan, Kelly, and myself.

I love, love the concept for a save-the-date card (which I think we are going to end up doing after all) but may want to re-do it with a vintage Scrabble board instead so that the board isn't as distractingly colorful, or maybe use some Photoshop effect so that the tiles look illustrated somehow, or do just the tiles and overlay it on another image, like a vintage map of Princeton or NJ. Dan's preference is for something like this from the battles of Princeton and Trenton. Ugh history. Anyway, that'd be on one half of a postcard and another one of these images on the other half. Gets the point across, hopefully, and people can put it on their fridge if they want.

By this point we were already running over on Kelly's time but she never said a word and got this bubble shot that I really wanted in.

So overall, Kelly is basically the most energetic and enthusiastic person I've ever met. She really was wonderful about directing us into poses and making us laugh. I think you can tell that we definitely relaxed into it as the shoot went on, which is the whole point of doing an engagement shoot after all.

Given that, I kind of overprepared for the shoot in terms of props and such. I made a list, checked it twice, and packed everything into my granny cart which was useful for hauling things around but I really didn't need 3 different belts options and more earrings/necklaces/shoes/books etc. As Kelly pointed out when we talked over the phone a few weeks beforehand, the shots of her other couples that I liked the best were the ones where the couples were doing some activity together and yet I clung to having many prop options as a safety line, I suppose. Ah well, so it goes.

For makeup this time around, I scheduled a makeup trial with Jennifer Kang at Mona's in Englewood Cliffs. She was really nice and in a happy coincidence, she happened to be doing these trials for free on the day of our shoot anyway. I regret that I didn't leave her a small tip of some kind just for her time. She applied some fantastically long false lashes that felt pretty weird at first but that I got used to eventually. They weren't too hard to remove at the end of the day, though I needn't have worried at all about them falling out. I'm surprise that they didn't show up more in the photos because they looked enormous to me in the mirror. I also learned from her that you can apparently buy these stickers at Asian grocery stores to put on single-fold eyelids at night to have a double fold in the morning. Weird! And yet, intriguing!

Dan, again, thought there was too much makeup on but I think you can't really tell that there's very much in the photos. I almost want a bit more eye makeup and a stronger lip color, and definitely for my eyebrows to be filled in a bit more, I think. Still, I remain undecided as to whether the minimalistic makeup look I want is worth paying a professional to do. I can buy the makeup and practice myself...but I probably won't do the practicing part of it. I think my sister also wants to the use the occasion to really go for all the beautifying things, since she never went to prom.

So it may be a small thing that ends up being worth throwing money at, but I'm still not quite sure. Plus, a hair person would be separate, and yet there's not much I want done except for it to be blown out nicely. Mama G suggested finding a salon in the Princeton area that I would go to on the morning of to get the blowout and a makeup application but I want to minimize the amount of running around needed that morning. Maybe a place like this La Jolie Hair Salon which has full face regular makeup starting at $45 and a shampoo and blow-dry at $36. The fine print says wedding day work starts at $100 but I'm not too fussed about going in there and not telling them that it's for a wedding.

In conclusion:

I heart Kelly.
I remain unsure about the makeup thing.
I have body image and self-esteem issues to work on that I didn't know I had. More to come on this.

Tissue paper pom poms

2010-10-06T22:10:00.002-04:00

Just got the engagement photos from Kelly today (whee!), which were taken over 3 weeks ago, so I thought I'd best get my butt back on this blogging wagon. Traveled, painted furniture, worked, end of quarter craziness, blah blah fishcakes. I did read Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding and even went through it a second time to mark up all the things I wanted to blog about. Oh, and I also started the intermediate skirt sewing at Sew Fast Sew Easy so that I can take their advanced dressmaking class.

The traveling was to Michigan, to visit Mama G!! I'm pretty sure this was my first time to the Midwest ever, though my knowledge of geography is so hazy that that might be wrong. I had such a fun and relaxing time; Mama G is the best hostess ever, she had this adorable welcome basket all ready for me, which include an ornament in the shape of Michigan among other lovely smelling soaps and lotions. We went through two watermelons, visited Zingerman's and found foodie heaven, found an awesome curated and cheap vintage shop and...made the test wedding crafty project!

These were made based on the instructions from Martha Stewart. Here's what we learned:

The rectangle of tissue paper you fold up should be proportionally longer than it is wide. This is because you'll fit in more folds for the same width, which will result in a thicker cluster of paper.
Cutting the edges to be sharper triangles rather than rounded scallops looked better, in our opinion. Not too sharp, though, otherwise the points will flop too much.
Again, fluffiness and thickness were important to the point where we thought it looked better to tie together two halves rather try to one big pom pom sphere from the same sheets of paper.
Having a gradient of colors really gives the whole thing more depth.
Without cutting down the tissue paper, the pom pom ends up looking huge but once you're outside, the big ones look better hanging in the tree.

This was our favorite one. There are 3-4 different colors here and see how the shape is a bit oval because it's 2 halves stuck together?

I need to scope out how these pom poms will be hung at the venue. I know there's at least one big tree in the yard that's close to the house...but I can't remember others. I also don't know whether we can hang things inside the house itself. As for colors, I think we'll stick to the red-orange-yellow colors. The blue is a bit too hard to find and as Mama G said, I have to be a bit careful that the colors don't veer too much into primary color mode. If I can find tablecloths that are the right blue, that would pull it all together.

More table decorations

2010-09-15T09:00:00.000-04:00

"Coral" table decor out of drinking straws at design*sponge.

Individual cupcake stands at hello hanna, via not martha.

I think putting together a template for these shouldn't be too difficult, it's the cutting them out with the curves that would take awhile.

My sister the bridesmaid

2010-09-13T09:00:00.080-04:00

My sister is now a junior (like whoa!) at a Division 1 school on a tennis scholarship. We used to fight all the time when we were little, from my end because I was always jealous of the attention she got from everyone else for being the younger, cuter one and resentful that I always had to be the bigger person because I was her older sister. Ah, Confucian culture.

I remember very clearly when I was around 11 and just had another fight with her that my dad took me aside and told me, "Look, I know she's annoying. But she's 7. She can't help it. It's going to be like this for another 4 years but it will get better after that, just you wait and see." (implied subtext: please try to make it easier on your mother in the meantime) My mother always hated that we fought so much, she would try to impress upon us that someday she and our dad won't be here anymore and we would only have each other to truly rely on.

My dad was right (as my mom will be, too), as so often happens. Ergh, that part of growing up where you realize that your parents are far smarter and wiser than your smug teenage self ever considered giving them credit for! Anyway, my relationship with my sister really improved vastly once I left for college. I'd come home and be surprised at the funny, creative person she was growing into.

Now that she's at school, she'll email me once in awhile to ask for advice on one thing or another (even though she ignored my advice about making sure she worked really really hard for the first semester so she wouldn't fall into the trap of spending the rest of her college years working to make up for it, ahem) and I like playing that big sister role, because I can help make her way a little easier than it was for me, figuring things out more on my own.

I also know that I can rely on her to help me when I ask; she was one of the few that helped Dan and me move in to our first apartment together, mostly by driving a second car because she's a far better and more confident driver than I am, and she also drove all the way out to Princeton from eastern Jersey at the beginning of August in order to ferry me to and from an appointment with the caterer.

This is all to basically say that she's earning her bridesmaid status plenty (though I've told her there are no expectations of planning a bridal shower or bachelorette party or any of those sort of 'extra' events). Happy birthday, sis (I am terrible with dates and birthdays but the technology of scheduling things ahead of time when you do remember and before you forget what day of the year it is, to the rescue!).

Cotton cady Erica dress from J.Crew, in "fresh mint"

This is the dress we've bought for her as a bridesmaid dress. Simple, elegant, and pretty close in color to the shade of blue I'm trying to tie things to, though this is a bit greener, I think. We bought it now because it's on sale (listed at $80 currently, I think we got it for $90? Maybe $100? Original price was $225!) and we had such trouble finding anything nearly as close when we spent almost an entire afternoon at the mall that the chances of finding something if we waited until next spring, when she won't be home for spring break due to the tennis season, would be pretty slim.

We may need to bring this to the tailor to get it fixed up a bit when her body changes a bit from all the working out during the season. Luckily no changes need to be made to the length. My mother is verrrry nervous about the whole strapless thing, so maybe we'll add some kind of strap to soothe that. I think a thin halter-style ribbon strap in red might work, so that it doesn't disturb the pretty neckline, and then metallic or red flats, and maybe a little red flower pin at the waist and/or headband. She's got a pair of cute red rose earrings that could work with that, so then maybe just a necklace or bracelet to finish of the accessorizing.

Hanging decorations roundup

2010-09-11T09:00:00.001-04:00

I really need to either post these more quickly instead of letting everything sit for a whole summer or stop collecting quite so many.

Puffy paper lanterns from not martha. I really like the texture of these, a bit like those soft fabric flower poms.

Cupcake liners as tiny little paper shades on twinkle lights at ikea hacker.

Loopy-Loo simple paper garland is IS.LY

Flower pom tutorial from Jen at Me, Myself, and Bride.

And how to store all these lovely garlands? Roll them around a toilet paper roll with slits cut at each end to catch the ends of the garland.

Photo props

2010-09-09T09:00:00.001-04:00

At the wedding showcase our caterer put on a few weeks ago, they had people from Fun Photobooth there with their full setup. They were really nice and we got a sample strip to take away with us. I think this would be a bit of an extravagance on the budget though, so I'm thinking a more ghetto setup with just a digital camera on a stand and a backdrop with props scattered. Maybe even use the webcam on a laptop.

It'd be nice to have physical photos though, especially to have guests put together in a guestbook. The Photojojo store is now carrying the Fuji Instax Wide Format Instant Camera which could work really well as a Polaroid substitute. It's a bit expensive for more or less a toy, $80 for the camera and $22 for film (20 exposures), but perhaps I can wrangle it as a birthday/Christmas gift of some kind. Though, I think I'm going on a cruise in the Caribbean with my parents for my birthday and I'd really like a new digital camera for that occasion (thinking of the Canon S90 right now, just based on not martha's recommendation).

I've posted before about the chalkboard message board that could go in the photo booth as a prop. They are now also carrying these photo paddles to add whimsy.

$10/paddle or $30 for pack of all 5

Can be held up by subjects or photographer for changes in scale.

On a more serious idea, I love, love the group panorama shots by A Beautiful Day Photography in Seattle (aka Conan O'Brien's wedding photographer), a new sponsor to A Practical Wedding.

I sent Kelly an email yesterday about this, I hope it's not offensive to ask about something that another photographer does. The thing is I think most of the wedding photos will just stay in an album or book and only be hauled out occasionally, but with a big group shot like this, I wouldn't feel self-conscious displaying it prominently on a wall.

Last quick thing: Miss C wrote a post about whether hiring a videographer would be worth it and the comments on the post all support asking a family friend to capture important moments in the ceremony and throughout the day to have a low-key video that could then be edited together. I like this idea, I think I'll ask someone(s) to be the Flip cam person and then also ask for help getting a video edited together. I have plenty of clips on my computer that I'm overwhelmed by trying to put together.

Color scheme designer tool

2010-09-07T09:00:00.034-04:00

If you're stuck on picking colors, here's a neat color scheme designer tool, via Creature Comforts.

I actually now have paint chips that I'm using as references. My sister helped me pick them out to match some fabric scraps I kept from when I interned with Mod Green Pod several summers ago. They're lovely, wonderful people. I am still hoarding the fabric and wallpaper they gifted me when I finished my internship because I love the colors and modern designs so much.

Cherry/stilton Butterfly Jubilee (photo is a bit dark)

Honey/raspberry Butterfly Jubilee (just the honey color)

The paint chips we picked out were Valspar High Noon, Valspar Caramel Honey, and Olympic Rum Runner, which look like this all together:

I imagine the actual colors that come together will be a bit brighter in effect overall, since that's what I gravitate towards, but I really like these colors all together. It's not too different from that palette Amy sent over to me. That dusky blue color is really hard to find, though.

Flower project roundup

2010-09-05T12:25:00.050-04:00

Coffee filter flower tutorial at design*sponge.

Fabric flowers roundup at Giver's log, via not martha.

Crepe paper bouquet tutorial, via Creature Comforts.

Bonus! Little roses from straw wrappers (I hope no one actually does this on a massive scale, that would be a bit sick, but cool party trick to learn, perhaps), via not martha.

Ok not projects but other flower ideas: centerpieces of flowers in water, from the Blooms By the Box blog.

I'm still all over that apothecary chic look but I like the simplicity of these.

Apparently this is just a flower wallpaper but it'd be pretty as strands of real flowers against a wall, wouldn't it? From A Cup of Jo.

Cupcake centerpieces! From This Little Journey. I don't think we're doing the cupcake thing in full but these are so cute.

Ok this is just to remind myself--we have these single serving Martinelli's apple juice jars at work and I could potentially collect them and use Goo Gone to get rid of the labels and clean them up to use as bud vases.

Fauxgagement shoot

2010-09-04T15:13:00.003-04:00

Hey look, it's us!

Last week, Dan and I drove down to central Jersey for a sort of practice engagement shoot with my friend Amy, who coined it a ''fauxgagement shoot." We've talked casually about doing a photo shoot with her for some time now, as Amy wanted to practice her people photographing skills and I've desperately wanted photos of both Dan and me together that are not from high school and don't look silly.

Since the "official" engagement shoot with Kelly is coming up next week (I swear, September seemed much farther away when we scheduled this back in April), we thought we'd do this one with Amy first in order to get some practice feeling comfortable in front of a camera in and test out some outfit possibilities.

I also went and got my makeup done by a hilarious woman at the Shiseido counter in Nordstrom, accompanied by Dan's two younger sisters. We had a great time, I'm so glad they came along with me because we don't really hang out without Dan around and they were really helpful in advising on colors and such. Also just boosting my self-confidence all around. Normally I wear no makeup at all because even with quick 5 minute routines, I would rather choose 5 minutes more sleep, but it was fun to be a bit pampered here.

There wasn't any charge for the application of the makeup, though I got her card for potential doing the wedding makeup as well (she was slightly cagey about her rates so that makes me nervous, but she did do a good job, so we'll see). I ended up getting the foundation (Shiseido 'The Makeup' Dual Balancing Foundation SPF 17 in natural light ivory) and the eyeshadow set (Shiseido Luminizing Satin Eye Trio in Strata), which were not cheap, but the foundation felt so light on my skin when others I've tried before always feel a bit like a mask and I loved how she did my eyeshadow. She also threw in a couple samples of the pink lipstick.

Here's a straight-on shot of the makeup:

The blank expression is because I hate it when before/after photos have differences in them other than the clothes or makeup, like in What Not To Wear where the befores all have terribly posture and are pouty/"sad." For the makeup skills challenged like myself, it's so hard for me to tell the difference when there are so many confounding factors, agh!

Dan thought it was too much makeup, per usual, but the women in his family disagreed. I liked it, it would be too much for a regular day of mine but I liked it for the photos. On Kelly's recommendation I've also bought some blotting paper for the engagement shoot as it's still rather warm in our area. I also have this thing of sweating on my nose (inherited from my maternal grandmother, apparently) and I imagine it'll be quite helpful for dealing with that.

I've got a free makeup trial session scheduled for early that afternoon with Jennifer Kang, also known as 'Mrs. Snail' in the WeddingBee forums. Most other places I asked about charge something like $80 just for a trial! Anyway we'll see how it goes with her, she doesn't have an online portfolio but I did find one example of a wedding she did here which looks a little too showy and shiny for me but we'll see. I think I do very much want false lashes for the wedding, though, I've tried to apply them myself before but have always failed. The makeup style I've most liked so far is Lois Lam's but of course she up and left NJ last year and now lives in Cleveland.

Well, back to the fauxgagement shoot. We went to a small park near Amy's house first for the swings and then picked up the balloons from Party Fair and headed over to Monmouth Battlefield State Park for all the ones in this post. Here are my favorites of the 30 digital and 6 film shots that Amy sent over:

okay, just being silly.

Getting to those railroad tracks was a bit of an ordeal, as Amy last scouted out this area in the winter when all the plants were dead and not liable to give one poison ivy. I'm glad we climbed up though, what nice lines from the tracks.

This shot is my favorite of all, I think, mostly because it shows off my angled haircut and enough of my chin so I don't have the usual "my head is so round and my neck so short" concern. Please tell me you also basically judge whether photos are good or not by how much you like how you look in them?

These were fun! Though what is not shown is when Dan took a running leap and basically knocked me over on my own way up. Beware of leaps made by uncoordinated people, my friends.

For some reason I think this one looks like we're in Iowa. We considered using it for a save-the-date card but I think it might not be overtly happy/cheerful enough.

So, lessons learned:

Amy says we're not as awkward in front of the camera as I've been telling her. She says we should just relax, make each other laugh, talk to each other about funny things.
She also says, "Don't be shy about showing affection. It's cute, and it serves well for capturing little fleeting moments." (I'd told her that I didn't want to come off as sickly sweet pretentious with that gazing longingly into each others' eyes kind of photo, but she's probably right that we can be, you know, like, a couple)
It was worth the hassle of convincing Dan to buy this western-style blue shirt from the Gap with his $25 for $50 Groupon. It was also worth repairing the back of one of the legs on this pair of jeans. I think he should wear a brighter t-shirt though.
The flat cap he's wearing looks great, it's the best $3 he's ever spent on an accessory by far.
Kelly is totally, totally right about wearing bright colors and big patterns and bold jewelry. I really like this dress, it's a 50s cotton daydress that I just finished shortening, but it'd be better in the photos if the color were more intense.
I should also suck it up and wear higher heels. The shoes I'm wearing here are Dansko platform sandals which are super comfortable but look more chunky than I want in the pictures. Not that I own any stilettos, but I should break out the shoes that I don't ever wear to walk anywhere and bring flipflops with me.

Now, I'm still a bit undecided on the glasses versus contacts thing. I really love my current glasses for their bold retro-ness, but I'm not sure whether contacts will help with the minimizing round headedness goal a bit more? Or I could switch them out? We're going to have one outfit change next week so I could do it then. Thoughts?

Giveaways and contests galore

2010-09-04T00:24:00.001-04:00

I recently learned that a colleague of mine actually won a wedding in a radio contest. She doesn't use that nearly often enough as her fun fact when introducing herself to people, but maybe it does get a bit tiring to talk about it after awhile.

Anyway, a few different contests and giveaways popped up on my Reader lately that I wanted to share here:

Lizzie and Isaiah have launched their own printable invites design shop! They're giving away one invitation suite for comments left on this post by next Tuesday evening.
Becca of A Los Angeles Love is hosting a $150 giveaway from Williams-Sonoma if you create or add to your Williams-Sonoma registry. Enter by next Wednesday.
Online wholesaler of flowers Blooms by the Box is teaming up with Budget Savvy Bride in a contest for a $500 gift certificate for the best essay on the DIY and budget-saving aspects of your wedding plans. Essay needs to be submitted by 9/19. I think I might write about the plan to make the dress so that the money that might've been spent on just one dress is being spent on developing skills I'll be able to use after the wedding, to try to highlight something that might be a bit different. We'll see.

Go forth and enter, my friends!

Picking the Music, Part 1

2010-08-25T20:34:00.012-04:00

Hello! I figure I'll start with a brief introduction: my name is Dan. I am the lucky guy that Katherine has decided to marry; for whatever reason, she hasn't quite yet realized the scope of her mistake, so we're still going through with this wedding thing. As it is, I tend to get referenced here quite often, usually while Katherine is emphasizing my uncommon skill in rejecting things.

I'll be writing here occasionally, though this is pretty clearly Katherine's ship. I am, however, attempting to overcome my aversion to hassle, and am doing my best to participate in this process. One of the components of the wedding that I am spearheading is the music. Katherine's tastes in music are not particularly well-defined, but she knows that I do take music somewhat seriously.

Our initial plan was to rent some sound equipment and set up a laptop with a playlist. We would then enlist the help of one of our many technologically-savvy friends to monitor the set-up during the reception (I expected to have a few volunteers for this eminently-enjoyable role).

I'll offer a snippet of the wedding playlist I had begun to prepare:

Sing, Sing Sing - Benny Goodman
Keep the Customer Satisfied - Simon & Garfunkel
Cell Block Tango - Catherine Zeta-Jones, Susan Misner, Deidre Goodwin, Denise Faye, Ekaterina Chtchelkanova, Myá Harrison, & "Chicago" Cast
Give the Girl a Kiss - Bruce Springsteen
All My Loving - The Beatles
You and I - Wilco
Ever the Same - Rob Thomas
Quarter to Three (live) - Bruce Springsteen
The Sweet Escape - Gwen Stefani
Daydream - The Lovin' Spoonful
Summertime - Marcheeba & Hubert Laws
Build Me Up Buttercup - The Foundations
I'll Be Your Mirror - The Velvet Underground
Hung Up On You - Fountains of Wayne

This is a pretty eclectic mix, I would say, of some upbeat rockers, some older songs, and some romantic, slower pieces. I would also point your attention to the hints of jazz and R&B in some of the music.

The situation changed, though, so now, we need to find a live music act for the wedding. The fun of preparing an interesting playlist that Katherine would approve has been replaced by the fun of finding a live music act that fulfills various requirements, some of which seem to contradict each other. There probably is no fully-rational way to make this work, so intuition and feel will have to do. I'll start with a few bands/musicians that I like a lot:

- Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Band: As far as I can tell, Springsteen is the best live performer of his generation, and probably the generation after his. I love his earlier albums; "The Wild, The Innocent, and the E-Street Shuffle" is probably my all-time favorite album, and I revere both "Born to Run" and "Darkness on the Edge of Town" as well. During the mid-70s, Springsteen's career trajectory was still largely unsettled. He didn't become a full-on "rocker" until the late-70s, mainly with Darkness. His music prior to that was a mix of folk, jazz, and R&B, with his shows moving around those themes (listen to Kitty's Back from 1978 and you'll see what I mean). I am also from New Jersey, and we are contractually obligated to like at least one of Bon Jovi or Springsteen.
- The Band: "Music from Big Pink" taught me the value of musicians who know how to play their instruments. The Band played behind Bob Dylan when he moved from acoustic to electric, and that move would NOT have worked without a band as good as "The Band." Their sound has significant folk undertones, and they were good performers on a variety of different instruments. (How can you not love the mandolins floating around that album? Just wonderful.)
- Wilco: Wilco is one of the only modern bands I listen to consistently. They have a good mix of keyboards, guitars, subdued percussion, etc. Impossible Germany is one of my favorites that they do. It showcases some great guitar work towards the end, and also has a bit of an improvisational feel.
- Pink Floyd: Extended themes, slow pacing, prominent guitars. All good things.

I am looking for a band that incorporates components of these sounds: the long musical interludes, the improvisational feel, the intra-band chemistry that allows musicians to play off of each other. I also want something largely accessible--I don't want the septuagenarians at the wedding completely alienated by the sound.

Katherine wants something that, in her words, "her mother will judge impressive enough for her guests." She is also looking for dancing, and I think she would prefer a female vocalist. (Her stipulations are rather minimal, which is good for me here, but they are also somewhat prohibitive. Perhaps it is better this way; I get some additional guidance.)

Generally, these lowest-common denominator decisions, like airline food, lead to horrifyingly bad things--in other words, people can hate them together. I am determined to avoid this fate, though.

Enter the Brooklyn Boogaloo Blowout. This is a band that Katherine and I saw live at 55 Bar down on Christopher Street in Manhattan. They were joined by an exceptional female vocalist--Leah Siegel--who really added something. The band had a lead guitarist, a bass guitar, a keyboardist (who played what sounded more like a Hammond organ than a piano, but both sounds are good), drums, and a saxophone. The interplay was excellent, and the music was quite good. We like this instrument combination.

They don't, however, seem to do weddings. They were also a tad too loud for my "don't alienate the septuagenarians" requirement.

I spent a good deal of time surfing through websites trying to find a similar sound, and I have at least one lead. The band is called BD Lenz (the band name is eponymous with the lead guitarist's name, I believe), and they are playing at the Salt Creek Grille in Princeton, NJ on Friday, September 3 (apparently as a fully instrumental group). They are also playing at a place called Yo y Papa in Morristown, NJ on Friday, September 18, and claim to have a female vocalist lined up for that one. (Katherine will be out of town for that event, unfortunately.)

Katherine and I will probably be going down to Princeton to see them on the 3rd, and I may go out to Morristown to see them on the 17th with a FlipCam, depending on how the first viewing goes. (We may just pick them on the spot then, or we may eliminate them from consideration.)

Here's an excellent cover of "Superstition" by BD Lenz:

Highlights from conversations with my parents tonight

2010-08-07T22:58:00.001-04:00

Me: So, do you want to invite any of your friends?
Mom: No. Too much hassle*.

Me: So, do you want to invite any of your friends?
Dad: No. Too much hassle*.
Me: What about your friend _____ that Mom mentioned?
Dad: Give me the date and I'll call her and see if she and her husband can come. If they can't then there's no point in inviting them.
Me: That doesn't make any sense, that's what RSVPing is for!
Dad: By the way, I can't guarantee anyone except for myself, your uncles like to make last minute changes often.

later
Mom: Oh yeah, that's the Chinese way of doing things. The invitation itself is just a formality.

*Just to be clear, I think the desire to avoid hassle bit of these conversations is more our family's general introverted/anti-social tendency rather than general Chinese culture.

Another invitations round-up

2010-08-07T11:09:00.001-04:00

Free templates at download & print by Anna Skye, via 2000 Dollar Wedding.

Loved the color scheme and font usage/placement in my girl Angie's invites, as designed by her husband-in-7-days (!) Josh:

I really like how the broken line border looks like stitches in Delphine Press' Hibiscus design, via Oh So Beautiful Paper.

Also a fan of the fun and bright yellow and blue color scheme

One way to incorporate the fabric/stitching/DIY feel to the paper goods might be sewing an outline around something, using bright embroidery thread. Once we get our engagement photos back, I'll take a look at them and see if we could convert one into a suitable save-the-date postcard, jazzed up a little.

I just like the look of this vintage airmail inspired set, even though it wouldn't really fit for us:

My mother used to get letters from her friends/relatives in China with that airmail border. Not so much anymore, though.

Map-lined envelopes! Too much work (if I'm going to spend that kind of effort, I'd go all out with the map envelopes, but I know that I'd at least appreciate this detail if I were to ever receive one myself.

Again with the graphic design using type, via the haystack needle.

It is a nice contrast to have the hand-lettered portion.

They included the menu with their invitations, which is something Dan wants to do, to make clear what the food will be like upfront.

Speaking of the food, our caterer came up with a delicious sounding prosecco bar! It'll include: sliced strawberries, mango puree, fresh orange juice, herbed simple syrup, and lemon twists, bitters and sugar cubes for the prosecco version of this champagne cocktail. I'm pretty excited, though I do still have to taste prosecco first, heh.

Back to invitations: this set came in a sweet little seersucker pocket (via Oh So Beautiful Paper).

I think the pocket then also fit inside the envelope. Probably too fussy for utility gained overall (I guess the idea is that envelopes are easily torn up and this would help keeps all the little bits of paper together better?).

And for the last item, I could see this tutorial on making your own fabric tape (costs $8 for the sticker machine to get started, then about $0.25/ft thereafter) coming in handy because the color blue I'm looking at has been hard to find, so it might be easier to find fabric that's the right color and then make things using that.

Boy clothes

2010-08-06T20:14:00.001-04:00

Dan usually gets items from the following categories as gifts from his relatives: B&N gift card, DVDs, B&N gift card, books, electronic equipment, B&N gift card, more books...you get the idea. Once in awhile there are some Gap gift cards thrown in there too and clearly that's what I get the most excited about. All his best pieces of casual wear have come from those gift cards (and were then stolen by his sisters...I haven't forgotten that grey zip-up hoodie with elbow patches, nor the BC hoodie I bought him, no sirree).

Sadly, with the apartment move around last holiday season, that kind of gift card wasn't in the mix, but my friend Amy's suggested that we go on a trip to Uniqlo to get some good, cheap basics for him. The problem is that he's just so tall and skinny and angular. So far my experimentation has determined that he looks best when basically dressed like an old man. This isn't just because of how I like vintage, but because it expresses his true inner self of a crabby old man (Dennis the Menace's neighbor, but with very strong social filters). For example, he's got a great "flat cap" from Old Navy that was the best style for price deal ever ($3!).

So that's what I'm kind of looking for for his wedding attire. Isn't it a bit weird that it's far easier to get him something that he would wear again? And in fact, I've been pressuring him for a really long time to get a properly tailored suit for the wedding so he'll have a well-fitting suit to wear for a change (see "tall and skinny and angular"). He's got a light gray one that's pretty nice, actually, though still just way too much fabric in the abdominal area.

Here are some ideas I've come across that I quite like:

I love how slimly fitting this suit is, and I like the pinstripes. He's also got nice old man shoes. (A Cup of Jo)

Suspenders make my heart go aflutter. I think I also like the higher waist of the pants.

Jazz Age dance party at Governors Island (The Sartorialist)

Suspenders and Chucks! Maybe red Chucks, to match my dress. (Brooklyn Bride)

I do also like vests over nice shirts (academichic)

Engagement photo inspiration

2010-08-05T21:59:00.001-04:00

Summer seems be slipping by, spent mostly hiding indoors from the heat and humidity, but I've gotten a chance to slow down a bit and spend some time just staring off into the distance with this vacation of volunteering at an organic farm in Princeton. I met with our caterer today and feel re-energized about getting on with all this planning business. Things are feeling good.

A destination wedding in Iceland, via Cup of Jo.

Lesson being, it'll still be awesome even if it's rainy and cloudy out.

I have some homework from our photographer, since our engagement photo shoot is coming up relatively soon (Saturday 9/11, the one weekend day she isn't booked this fall) and she's on top of her stuff. She's asked me for 5 inspiration images to convey the look and feel of what we want, since some people like more prop heavy and themed photos, versus arty and fashiony, or romantic, etc.

I need to talk to Dan about what he might have in mind, of course, but so far I'm just thinking along the lines of "fun, with a sense of humor, not taking ourselves too seriously." No sappy photos of us looking longingly into each others' eyes. No couches in fields, or things that are weird and contrived.

In terms of images, I've already posted this set of engagement photos that I love to pieces. One prop idea is to use Scrabble tiles to spell out the date and location, kind of like in this set from Brooklyn Bride and to underline the nerd thing. I think this idea of drawing out your own chalk backdrop is adorable:

But this falls into contrived since we are not artists and also, would just be too much hassle (Dan's heart rate just slowed down without him knowing why). Kelly's engagement shoots last 1.5 hours and she says that usually means enough time for 1 outfit change and maybe 2 locations. I want greenery and the NYC skyline, so I'd like to hit Frank Sinatra Park in Hoboken and then I also wanted to get a bit of feel of Hoboken, so perhaps the old waiting terminal in the train station and some of the streets? As an aside, did you know that Cake Boss is in Hoboken? I know when the shop is open because there's an inevitable long line of people waiting outside. Sometimes they have to go all the way down the block and wrap around, or go across the street past the CVS.

Anyway, from Kelly's own portfolio, I like the following sets:

Meridian Hill Park: THAT BUBBLES PHOTO. Sigh. Anyway, just also overall a joyful feeling.
Capitol Hill and Eastern Market: her excited smile in the first one, and then the one with The Onion with an article titled "Jilted Hasbro CEO Laughs Coldly As Scrabble Destroys Another Relationship." Brilliant of them.
Georgetown DC with Vespa: vintagey feel on a Vespa and a.. tandem bike? without feeling like we're trying too hard. We don't have either a vintage bike (well, mine's from the 80s so I guess it's vintage, but it's not cute vintage) nor a Vespa, though.
National Zoo: playful feeling
Union Station DC and U Street: for the mix of picnic/park and urban area settings

I was going to write, "how does one pick just 5?!?" but I'm sure Dan will be able to whittle it down quite a bit.

Any other sets that people love?

Rilke and Rumi quotes

2010-07-27T23:24:00.000-04:00

I just finished reading This Is Not The Story You Think It Is: A Season of Unlikely Happiness and found it pretty thought provoking. Sure, I spent of lot of thinking what the author was keeping inside her own head ("you're being such a pushover!" etc.) but it was interesting for it. It is a rather powerful idea that you can choose to responsible for your own happiness by not making it dependent on things that are outside your control.

And it's almost inspiring, in a way, that she valued her relationship with her husband (or at least, who he was truly when he wasn't depressed about his lack of career success) and their children to work in the way she chose to hold it together. She's not some passive woman who just couldn't bear the thought of being alone or anything. You can read her initial essay, "Those Aren't Fighting Words, Dear" for a primer.

Anyway, she mentions some quotes from Rilke and Rumi that they included in their ceremony, that resonated with me:

Rilke, translated from the German by Stephen Mitchell

The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.

Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

To love is good, too: love being difficult. For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of all out tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation. For this reason young people, who are beginners in everything, cannot yet know love: they have to learn it. With their whole being, with all their forces, gathered close about their lonely, timid, upward-beating heart, they must learn to love. But learning time is always a long, secluded time, and so loving, for a long while ahead and far into life, is solitude, intensified and deepened loneness for him who loves.

Love is at first not anything that means merging, giving over and uniting with another (for what would a union be of something unclarified and unfinished, still subordinate?), it is a high inducement to the individual to ripen, to become world, to become world for himself for another's sake. It is a great exacting claim upon him, something that chooses him out and calls him to vast things. Only in this sense, as the task of working at themselves ("to hearken and to hammer day and night"), might young people use the love that is given them. Merging and surrendering and every kind of communion is not for them (who must save and gather for along, long time still), is the ultimate, is perhaps that for which human lives as yet scarcely suffice.

From Essential Rumi, translated by Coleman Barks

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I'll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase each other
doesn't make any sense.

Honeymoon ideas

2010-07-20T20:18:00.001-04:00

I'll be taking the first week of August off from work to go volunteer on an organic farm in Princeton through World-Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms-US (http://www.wwoofusa.org/) with my friend Amy. The deal is you pay for a membership to access a directory of organic farms that you can then contact and sort out the times to visit them and work for around 5-6 hours/day in return for food and lodging. Here's the description of the farm we'll be visiting in Princeton:

Farm consists of 61 acres total, vegetable and fruit production in raised beds on approximately 5 acres (biointensive planting) woods, streams and pasture lands. We have three flocks of chickens which move over land in "mobile homes", two goats now and cows are planned for. We have a CSA and market at the farm, deliver produce to area health food store and restaurants during growing season June through October. Our egg co-op goes through the year, as does animal care. Interns and volunteers participate in all aspects of work, sowing in greenhouse from February, transplanting, weeding, trellising, harvesting, etc. Marketing, compost making throughout year.

We did it once before on a trip to Europe the summer after sophomore year, when I was having my mid-college crisis and was determined to collect up interesting activities not for the purpose of resume-building. It was a wonderful time, it was around 5 weeks total.

The first half was at a vineyard in the south of France with the most adorable British-Canadian-Indian family ever, and the food was a revelation. I still think about them often, even though Amy's the one who's actually kept in touch with them. The kids must be all grown up by now.

Then, for the second half, we went to this poultry farm in southern England, which was more of a hobby for a doctor couple, but that was pretty great too. We worked with their recalcitrant donkeys, mucked out the chicken and turkey coops, fed the ducks/geese, collected eggs, etc. We also went on a day trip to Brighton beach (of Pride & Prejudice fame to us) with the very cute French boy who was also staying with the family at that time. I would really like to make a photobook of that whole trip from Amy's photos. Mine were mostly ruined by the X-ray machines at the airport, tear.

Anyway, I think that that would be an easy and cheap way to have an unusual honeymoon if you're both into that sort of thing. Dan would be disaster, what with basically being allergic to nature and all, so currently we've been talking about...Alaska! This started from my mom wanting to go on an Alaskan cruise but I'm undecided on whether I want our honeymoon to be a family trip. Leaning toward 'no' right now, though it could be awesome.

Then Dan mentioned that the Tuesday after the wedding is the annual Midnight Sun Baseball Game, which is around 6/21 each year in Fairbanks, Alaska, and starts at 10:30pm, through midnight and ending around 2am.

With Fairbanks a mere 160 miles south of the Arctic Circle, the sun is just beginning to set in the north as the game gets under way and, at its conclusion some three hours later, the sun begins to rise again - also in the north.

It sounds pretty awesome even to a non-sports person such as myself. So, what I'm thinking right now is flying out to Fairbanks on Monday or Tuesday (flights are cheaper in the week and we'll have Sunday to recover from the wedding festivities), catching this ball game, then renting a car and driving to or taking the train to Denali National Park & Preserve, going on the bus tours, maybe doing some biking, then proceeding on toward Anchorage and getting on a 7-day cruise that ends in Vancouver. These cruises seem to usually depart on Saturday, so then once that's over, we could spend the weekend in Vancouver and fly back on Monday or Tuesday (we'll have Monday off for July 4th).

It'd be a pretty big vacation, overall, but each component is a little cheaper than I thought it would be, so maybe I can talk Dan into it. We'll see. It's not just the money but the using of vacation days as well. I just did some calculations of how much vacation I've got now plus how much I'll accrue by mid-June of next year, minus the 5 days for the week with Amy in Princeton (where I also hope to do some scouting of local vendors for flowers and such...fingers crossed!), minus ~15 days for one week before the wedding and two weeks of honeymoon after, and I think I've got about 5 days left after all that. My mom is thinking about a Caribbean cruise in December with her and my dad, I have to think about whether I can squeeze that in as well. Vacation is the best! :)

Some other relevant links:

I'd love to go on a hot air balloon ride some time in life
renting a house seems like it'd be a great way to get homey in a new location. I'm all about the homey.
Oyster hotel reviews with real photos (meaning non-hotel hired stylist and pro photographer) from notmartha.

Funny she mentions a MetaFilter thread in that same post about sleeping in the airport, Amy and I slept in the airport on our way back to Paris and she's got at least one good photo of me sprawled out on a sleeping bag next to our luggage cart. Also, her flight in to Paris was delayed so we missed our original train and had to take an overnight one that then dropped us off at a remote bus stop at 5am where we had to wait for an hour before the next connection came by. Filed under, things it's better for my mother not to know too many details about :)